"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Ascott58 posted 6/25/2020 19:31 PM

Is it normal to go back and forth with staying or going? After me and my husband had done some talking. We both are unsure if we should stay in our marriage. Its made us think about our last 16 years together and its not been the best. We never thought about it until his affair came out. I feel like there is always one spouse that wants it more. Me and him are both in limbo. We don't know how to move forward but we don't want to go back to our old relationship. Anyone gone through this?
We are 5 weeks out. Both 33 years old, no kids. Just started therapy.

Brew3x posted 6/25/2020 19:50 PM

I would say it’s normal. Also you have to remember you’re only 5 weeks out.
I know for the first few weeks my ww was confused and thought about leaving. She felt like if she could have feelings for someone else then maybe we weren’t supposed to be together.
We’re 9 months out and I’m still waffling back and forth between R and D. Although I would like to R I’m not sure I’ll get what I want and sometimes it gets to much and I just want to leave.
My ww and I both agree we are not going back to the way things were. In some respects some things are better even though I’m still hurting.
I would take sometime and figure out what you want and what you want to give to your WS. If you feel you can get what you want and give what he wants maybe things can be better.

I would like to add that we also do not have children don’t listen to others that will tell you bail just because of this. In my mind staying or going for lack of children makes no sense. My situation could be different because we can’t have any. I’m not sure I would want to have a child with my W after the A if could though.

[This message edited by Brew3x at 7:54 PM, June 25th (Thursday)]

Ascott58 posted 6/25/2020 22:42 PM

I just cant see staying in this for 9 months and still not knowing. Does that pain still hurt as bad as the beginning?

RocketRaccoon posted 6/25/2020 23:16 PM

Ascott58,

The very fact that your WH is faffing, shows that his comittment to the M is not there.

If the WS is taking actions to repair the M, and has an attitude of '100% all in', then there is a glimmer of hope.

If the WS is apathetic or noncomittal, then there is nothing to work with. The WS is not prepared to put in the effort to repair and save the M.

So, to answer your question, yes, it is 'normal' for the BS to feel this way..... BUT, if your WS values you and the M, then he would be trying his hardest to find a way to a better M with you.

As it is, he seems to have given up, and is hoping for you to agree to end your M.

Brew3x posted 6/26/2020 07:15 AM

I just cant see staying in this for 9 months and still not knowing. Does that pain still hurt as bad as the beginning?

The pain is not as bad, it was real bad at around five months. There are times when I’ll trigger and lose all hope but I work through it and it passes.
I’ve been doing a lot of work to heal myself. I know I will be fine regardless of the outcome I’m a very capable person with a lot of great qualities and will find the life of want with or without my WW.
I sounded crazy to me in the beginning when people suggested to start eating and sleeping and exercising but it really helped. Although I exercised regularly and meditated I focused more on that and what I needed and I’m getting stronger everyday.

[This message edited by Brew3x at 7:43 AM, June 26th (Friday)]

Buffer posted 6/26/2020 07:37 AM

Just breath. In and out.
It is a shit sandwich But the hurt will slowly diminish but that will take, communication, the rebuilding of trust, his hard yards in helping you believe he is safe.
You Have a hard long road with hurdles that pop up in the most inappropriate times.
Strength to you.
Buffer

Anna123 posted 6/26/2020 08:59 AM

You say "until his affair came out" as if the affair decided to show itself on its own. The affair is HIM LYING TO YOU. Not the same as him complaining to you, being a jerk, or being angry about something. You may want to consider that the past sixteen years weren't that great at least partly because you have been married to a 'lying cheater type' to begin with. Since there are no children, this is a great time to really demand a great marriage, or no marriage at all IMHO.

nekonamida posted 6/26/2020 09:14 AM

Is he willing to do the work necessary to stay married to you such as ending the A, going NC with his AP, giving you transparency, and being open and honest about what happened? If he's not, there's no point in you sticking around for a new DDay or for him to be the one to end the marriage.

Marie2792 posted 6/27/2020 11:18 AM

It’s normal. Most therapists recommend not making a solid choice for at least 6 months. That will help you pass through some anger and shock, get yourself in a trigger position and evaluate your financial status should you leave.