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Looking for some positivity

Ascott58 posted 6/25/2020 14:11 PM

5 weeks pass D-day. Me and my husband have had multiple long talks. Screaming at each other, laughing, crying together. Its so sad that you have to go through this to feel close again. The more into it the more we understand why this happened. So if you can accept why it happened and accept you can't change the past, are you able to move forward? No one understands unless they go through this, but once you understand the reason it does help with the healing. But I still have so much pain that he could do that to me. What im asking is, are there couples out there that have been able to accept this and move on to a happier relationship. Or am I just thinking life is a fairy tale? Is there always going to be a elephant in the room?
Thank you all for all the help. I know im still in the early stages and I just started IC. Guess I'm just trying to find hope.

HardKnocks posted 6/25/2020 14:25 PM

Yes, there is hope! But successful R usually involves lots of introspection, especially on behalf of the one who decides to betray his partner. Rug-sweeping seldom works long term.

It's great that you're in IC! Is your husband? He's likely got some work to do to in order to become a safe partner.

So yes, keep hope alive, but do the work.

beenthereinco posted 6/25/2020 14:45 PM

One of the things that is hardest is the need for a lot of patience from the Wayward Spouse. You are going to have flashes of anger and sadness for years. Those things may cause you to lash out or become quiet and sad. The Wayward has to allow for those, endure those, help you through those and comfort you. Many times they will do this for a bit and then start saying things like "It is time to get over this" and Reconciliation is doomed. Years after I would get an urge to check my xWW's phone. No reason exactly just a gut feeling and she started to get angry at that and it set me back every time.

ChamomileTea posted 6/25/2020 15:30 PM

The more into it the more we understand why this happened.

Why did it happen? What conclusions have you drawn together?

Soho posted 6/25/2020 17:14 PM

Iím husband had a three months affair two years ago. I found out three weeks into it and then it went on for two more months. We are now two years out and have a stronger marriage than we did before. It took marriage counseling, individual counseling and anxiety meds for me, many talks/fights/screaming matches and also productive conversation and introspection. We basically had to choose each other all over again. He was my best friend before and is still now. What is it like now? I no longer think he is perfect and accept him the way he is. My idea of our perfect marriage is over but we are better for not having each other on a pedestal Total transparency in every electronic format. Telling each other what we want and what we donít like right away. Taking time to be apart from each other. Making new friends together and separately. We have fun together again and our sex like is significantly better. So, yes - itís possible but the relationship will never be the same. Itís just that different is not ďbadĒ - itís simply different.

This0is0Fine posted 6/25/2020 17:21 PM

5 weeks past DDay 1. No trickle truth since then?

Did you get a complete written timeline? Polygraph? NC letter? Complete electronic transparency?

Your opening post doesn't say anything about the consequences your WH had to endure in order to give you a base of trust to start building off of.

There is no moving forward if you don't know what you are moving forward from. Just wandering in the dark.

DIFM posted 6/26/2020 05:00 AM

What im asking is, are there couples out there that have been able to accept this and move on to a happier relationship. Or am I just thinking life is a fairy tale? Is there always going to be a elephant in the room?

The M is not repaired from long talks. It is repaired after the cheater has done all they need to do to rebuild trust in the BS. He has demonstrated that he is an unsafe partner. You will not trust him to be safe and honest until it has been earned. Which takes a lot of work. You cannot "move passed" it without the work, otherwise it is rugsweeping, which only delays and magnifies the pain at a later date.

Thank you all for all the help. I know im still in the early stages and I just started IC. Guess I'm just trying to find hope.

The why is not because of hardships in his life your your M. The why is related to what is broken in him that allowed him to cross the uncrossable boundaries....over and over. IC is good for you, when does he start IC to start the process of fixing himself?

There is always reason for hope, so long as you are not trying to control the outcome. The WS has a lot of work to do. Is he committed to that work?

The1stWife posted 6/26/2020 05:41 AM

One of the lucky ones who survived my husbandís mid life crisis affair. He planned to kick me ho the curb for the much younger OW and for 6 months he kept saying he wanted a D.

It takes time. Healing and reconciliation take time. You will have times where you may regress but you pick yourself up the next day and continue to move forward.

There is no quick magic fix unfortunately.

Hang in there. It does get better but you have to be willing g to address all the issues in the marriage- not just the affair.

ct528 posted 6/27/2020 07:50 AM

I donít think accepting the reasons why is enoughóI could understand my husbandís whys but that does not give me confidence that it would not happen again or help to rebuild trust and feeling safe and secure in giving my heart to him.

I second this: The M is not repaired from long talks. For the first month after DDay, we were in quarantine and had hours and hours of long talks during the days and late into the nights, and unbeknownst to me it was all wasted time and sacrificing sleep for no good reason because he was still lying and giving me bullshit stories. His story was not making sense to me, and it wasnít until I saw no other option but to separate while he worked on his own individual issues, that he finally realized we could never reconcile without honesty and gave me a full disclosure. That was 2 months ago. We are still in early stages but I see positivity in that he was and is doing IC, changed his phone number and email address, has no problem with me going thru his phone whenever I want, and has shown progress in stopping his habitual lying by voluntarily admitting that he lied and telling the truth (things unrelated to the affair). He apologizes frequently, comforts me, listens to me, doesnít get impatient or defensive when we talk about the betrayal, has stepped up on household duties but doesnít view it as trying to make it up to me, only as things he should have been doing all along. If he can keep this up and it is sincere, maybe in time we will be able to heal and move on but I have accepted that it will take the 2-5 years everyone says. There are no shortcuts unfortunately.

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