Ascott58 posted 6/23/2020 11:15 AM

Hey guys! So I'm a month in after D-day.
Here is a little back story:
I'm 32 and my husband is 33. We have been together since we were 16. We got married in 2010 at 22 and 23. We are from Kentucky but his work took us to PA. For the first 6 years we were good. We had some weight on us, both didnt like our jobs and we missed our family, but we had each other and thats all we needed. At the 6th year mark my husband got promoted and started traveling. It was very hard to go from him being home all the time to just some of the time. I had a rough time but eventually became okay with it. About 7 years into our marriage my husbands brother died in an accident. It destroyed him. He started saying he was going to live life to the fullest. He started working out, focusing all energy in that. I decided to start getting healthy as well. So the summer of 2018 was great! We both felt great about ourselves and us as a couple. It was like we was teenages again. But in the Fall something changed. I dont know if it was him traveling more or him losing weight more than me but something changed. I freaked out thinking our perfect summer that I thought would now be us forever, was over. I wish i knew why I was so scared when I had nothing to be scared of. So I pulled away. I was abrasive, mean, not loving. And with my husbands brother passing and having a bad childhood, he couldn't handle to rejection. In March of 2019 something changed with him. I didnt know what but I felt it. I would have a panic attack everytime he would travel. I really tried to work on our marriage but I could tell he was done. In May 2019 we had a horrible fight. I was terrified that this was it. We worked through it but later that day I caught him in our garage on the phone. He said it was his coworker. So after that I was an obsessed mess. All I could think was he is cheating. I would ask over and over. And he would just blow me off. I started seeing a therapist. But even that didn't help. So June 19 2019 my husband asked for me to look at his back to see what a spot was. He handed me his flashlight on his phone and thats when I saw the message from her. I flipped I got in my car and drove home to kentucky. I was destroyed. When I finally would listen he said it was just an emotional affair. He said nothing physical. He had meet her at a bar in Ohio and they would just talk. So I believed him. I visited with my mother. She helped me get my head back on straight and I went home to PA. Things at that point were weird. I could tell he wasn't in it but I wanted to be. He was still traveling. He had a work trip planned to VA Beach and said him and his coworker were going to go down early to enjoy the beach. I was so upset. I needed him there with me to work things out. But he still went. He didn't call that whole week. Texting was all over the place. He would be angry, then happy and then sad and apologize for what he did. So after that trip he seemed to want to work it out. We tried it was hard but we were trying. November of 2019 he finds out his job is moving to Texas. So we were both excited and ready to start this new journey. We moved here in March and then quarantine hit. But we enjoyed it. He was able to work from home and we got to spend a lot of QT together. I was really happy. Then May 19th happened. His AP reached out to me. It wasn't just and emotional affair. It was a full blown relationship. He was telling me he was going on work trips and going to see her. He saw what kind of shape I was in and was telling me he was afriad to leave me but he still went and saw her. I also found out that she went to VA Beach with him. She sent me text messages between them and snap chats of him saying what he wanted to do to her sexually. And on top of it all she is pretty, skinny, with a fake chest. I've never been a person who has had confidence. I've always been insecure when my looks and now I feel worthless and disgusting. He said he had ended it with her after VA beach because he saw her true colors. He told her we were getting a divorce so he didn't want her to say anything to make it worse on him. So he says since July he has just been taming her. She would get mad and threaten him and then he would calm her down. She kept wanting to get back together and he would tell her no it will never work. So I guess in May he told her he was done with the BS do what she needed. And then I got the messages.

So now I dont know what to do with myself. Im so mad he lied to me twice. I've now went through this twice. I feel like 16 years together is down the drain. How could he do this to me? I don't even see him the same. We are going to therapy and it has helped but I just want someone to tell me what to do. We have no kids so there is no ties. Should I leave and start a new life at 32 or stay with my best friend who made a mistake? How do you ever figure that out? How do u get the thoughts to stop?

Accidentaldiva posted 6/23/2020 11:56 AM

I replied to you on Reconciliation too, but here's a copy and paste for this thread:
Ascott58 - Hugs to you if you can use them! You are going to get some great support and advice on this website. Whatever decision you make, you will get through this and there will be others who have gone through the same things who can support you through it. Four weeks after discovery is very raw for most of us - You may not be ready to make a choice about what to do until you can process the shock and trauma you are going through.
I consider myself to be more soft hearted and forgiving than many, but your husband has lied to you and put you through the wringer multiple times. That doesn't mean that reconciliation is impossible, but I think you need some time before you can make a decision. Also, you might want to consider your own individual therapist instead of just couples counseling. An individual therapist can listen to you and be in your corner and help you make the choice about whether you want to stay in the relationship.

(Btw, 32 is very young! You definitely have a lot of options for yourself, especially with no kids yet.)

knowingmystance posted 6/23/2020 12:42 PM

Do you want kids?
Do you trust him enough to have children with him?
You have to consider that you would need to invest time (typically at least a year or two) if you meet someone new.

If your H repeats his mistakes after kids, it would be devastating

Ascott58 posted 6/23/2020 12:45 PM

We don't want children. My husband had a vasectomy.

knowingmystance posted 6/23/2020 14:15 PM

I am roughly around your age, for me it was 12 years down the drain. Good riddance.

I gather you feel rather insecure. Don't be. He made you feel that way. You deserve somebody who appreciates you. Sounds cliché, but it's so true.

It's terrible what he is doing to you.

If you don't plan on having children with him: Listen to your gut. Are you really, truly happy? Or is it just loss aversion keeping you attached? What do your friends say? Ask them to be honest. Mine were all sooll wise after the fact, but there really were aspects they didn't tell me which could have helped me.

leafields posted 6/23/2020 15:25 PM

Hi Ascott, so sorry that you've had to join us here. Infidelity sucks.

His affair (A) had nothing to do with you - it was all about him. My unfaithful husband's (UH's) affair partner (AP) weighed more than 100 pounds more than me. It had nothing to do with your looks, or your perceived lack of anything. It was all about him. It does knock you down for a while, but please practice self-love - you're worth it.

At the top of the forum is a pinned thread for new people, so please read it. It's like a primer for this crazy journey you'll be on.

The yellow box in the upper left corner has The Healing Library, another source of lots of wisdom.

But - is he really your best friend? Do best friends treat each other the way he's treated you? He didn't make a mistake - he made a deliberate, conscious decision to have at least 1 A. A mistake is forgetting to grab milk when you go to the store. It isn't like, "Oops! Sorry! My dick accidentally fell into her vagina." He lied to you, used marital assets to take a trip to VA Beach.

The way he's treated you - is that how you want to be treated? At 32, you are relatively young. Do you want to be treated the same way for another 40-50 years?

You don't have to decide what you want to do today, tomorrow, or even next week. I waited about 18 months to decide. My soon to be ex-wayward husband (STBXWH) groped somebody, and that was the deal-breaker for me. We've been married for 33 years.

The pain & the thoughts? They won't for awhile. You'll be on an emotional rollercoaster ride. If you can, find somebody who works with betrayal trauma and begin individual counseling (IC). Your wayward husband (WH) should have a separate IC for his brokenness. The IC works on you, then a (separate) marriage counselor (MC) would be to rebuild the marriage - if that's the route you wish to take.

If your WH doesn't want to do any work on himself, or doesn't want to do what it takes to make you feel safe, then you should think about what options you have.

[This message edited by leafields at 3:26 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)]

maise posted 6/24/2020 01:45 AM

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and experiencing this. I do want to mention that he has lied to you more than twice - his lies have been repetitive, daily, and it’s not a “mistake”, it was a choice he made consciously. He knew the repercussions and did it anyway, he saw you in pain and left anyway. I don’t say this to add to your pain, I just don’t want what he’s done to be minimized, affairs are horrible.

My suggestion to you is to get into individual counseling so that you have someone in your corner and your corner only that can help you work on building yourself up from here. Marriage counseling shouldn’t even be on the table right now IMO. You deserve you, like never before. Marriage counseling will focus on both and have you working toward compromises that I don’t believe you should have to worry about when you are in this much pain and shock and just...everything that being betrayed this way brings.

The goal right now isn’t to get the thoughts to stop, or to give him an answer if he’s asking anything regarding reconciliation. The goal is you, focusing on taking care of you, making sure you work through the emotional roller coaster this will continue to bring for a long time - and being kind to yourself as you go through it. I promise as you work with yourself you’ll slowly start to feel stronger and the pain will lessen. Right now it’s going to be a wild ride of grieving. Try not to fight it, try not to hurt yourself more with detrimental acts of avoidance, vengeance, or critical messages toward yourself. You are worthy, you matter, you are not beneath him or her or anyone. You are amazing just as you are, he’s the one that has to prove that he even deserves someone like you.

If you need time away from him - take that time. If you don’t know what you want yet, that’s ok. Just try to focus on yourself, and find support from IC.

((Ascott))

The1stWife posted 6/24/2020 04:15 AM

Please know that the AP could have been anyone. The AP was available and willing. If the AP or intended AP was not willing the cheater finds someone who is.

The next painful situation for you is the rose colored glasses are now off. You see him differently. You experienced a trauma you never thought your “best friend” would inflict on you. That realization is devastating.

You will survive this. We all do. But unfortunately The healing process takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. We all wish it did but it just seems like a slow agonizing timeframe.

Hang in there. It does get better.

shareonhearts posted 6/24/2020 11:45 AM

Dearest Ascott58

Im so sorry to see you here but glad you made it. I'm in agreement with the others.....PLEASE take your time to decide anything. I have been through this twice (with two different husbands)and had very two different outcomes....Reconciliation is not for the lighthearted but this is in your court now. I will tell you I wish I had taken more time to just be alone and get to know myself....Please take special care right now....indulge in what brings you joy...just you and close friends,family. I wish I had been more mindful. I was confused, angry, spinning, hurt, embarrassed, and so much more. Seriously please take your own time. I'm so sorry for all of this.