Hi there Stupidman01,
Welcome to SI. It was really difficult for me to fully accept the timeline for healing from an affair. At the outset, when I heard 2-5 years, I thought it was ridiculously long and that my BS and I would take much less time than that. Boy did that turn out to be wrong. It took more like 6-7 years for us. This June will be 10 years since D-day and we are reconciled. That doesn't mean the affair never comes up, or that he never gets triggered. He occasionally still does. Learning to talk about the affair from a place of non-defensiveness and learning to recognize when your BS is triggering and help them through it in a way that does not make things worse is just part of the post-infidelity landscape.
A few things.
Have you created a timeline of the affair? That is a written document with as much detail as you can remember, in chronological order. For a lot of people, writing things down in this way helps them jog their memory and you can continue to insert details as you remember them. It also gives her something she can read and process at her own pace without you having to be present. The affair blew a big hole in her subjective reality. What she thought was real, wasn't. Who she though you were, you weren't. She is trying to piece together a new reality that matches what actually happened. It's really common for BSes to ask the same questions again and again. If you haven't already you should read the post "Things Every WS needs to know" by HUFI-PUFI, pinned to the top of this forum.
A couple other things.
First, it's going to be crucial for you to understand how and why you were able to betray your wife and your own integrity. You were able to choose hurting and harming your wife in order to have the feelings you wanted in the moment. You are not going to be able to offer her safety in the relationship (or anyone safety in any relationship) until you figure out how and why you were able to do that and take steps to fix the thought processes that allowed it. Individual counseling is a great place to get started on that.
Second, it will help you a lot if you develop some tools that will help you deal with difficult feelings in a way that is non-destructive. Defensiveness is not your friend. Yes it does feel crummy to talk about the affair. It does feel crummy to be reminded that we are the villain that part of our story. Those crummy feelings are just feelings. They don't have to derail you, if you can learn to relate to them differently. A mindfulness practice with daily meditation as its foundation can help you learn how to relate to your thoughts and feelings in a wholesome way.
Recovering from infidelity takes a long time, but with the right kind of sustained effort you can survive and even thrive. I hope you stick around. Read lots, post when you have questions or need support. Some of the advice will be tough to hear. Try to keep your defenses low and your curiosity high.
Proceed with conviction and valor, and welcome to the path from a fellow EvolvingSoul.
Me: WS (63)Him: Shards (58)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11
We’re going to make it.