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going in circles

Stupidman01 posted 3/17/2020 15:25 PM

[Post restored]

Over a year ago I had a 3 month PA with a woman that works at the same facility as I do. I confessed to my BS what I did. I told her everything. Where it happened, when and how many times. I answered every question. I owned it, all of it. I have had no contact with the OW at all since I broke it off. Since then I have been transparent with where I am, what I am doing. I even installed an app that shows my location 24/7. I love my wife and we are working hard to repair our marriage. We have been doing really well. Then today we were having some playful banter through text and now she is mad because I can't remember the conversations that I had with the OW. I truly can't remember conversations that I had with the OW. Either from blocking it out for self protection or time or alcohol/weed, I really can't remember what was said. I have told my BS the gist of conversations several months ago, when it was still somewhat fresh.We have reconciled and are working on moving forward together. My issue is 2 things:1. I can't give her what she wants. I really can't remember the conversations. So it looks like I am hiding something. I don't want to make things up just to give her something. How do you deal with a question that you can't answer and when do you get to leave the past in the past?2. I don't want to keep reliving the worst time in my life. I know that I did this, but how many times do I have to go over it?

I am starting to lose my patience with it and I get angry quickly. Which is out of character for me. Any words of wisdom is welcomed

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:32 PM, March 18th (Wednesday)]

Zugzwang posted 3/17/2020 17:34 PM

2. I don't want to keep reliving the worst time in my life. I know that I did this, but how many times do I have to go over it?

Dday was not that long ago. You go over it till you hit full remorse and face it. If you still have the opinion that you don't want to relive the shame, then you really haven't owned it or hit full remorse. It is less remorse and more regret. Making this a selfish thing about what YOU don't want to do or face. You suck it up and learn to cope without sitting in whatever it is that people call is the shame spiral.

I am starting to lose my patience with it and I get angry quickly.
defensiveness is also a clear sign of not getting it or owning it having less remorse and more regret. If you did, you wouldn't be posting this. You wouldn't have an issue with what your wife is doing. She will ask again and again till she is done and you will understand and not let it bother you if you had reached all three of those.

JBWD posted 3/17/2020 22:22 PM

I don't want to keep reliving the worst time in my life. I know that I did this, but how many times do I have to go over it?

Guess who else doesn’t want to relive this? Your BW. She likely spends most waking moments trying to reconcile who you told you you were with what you’ve proven to be. Now you’re telling her y’all are reconciled, same way you’re telling us.

But your actions aren’t matching up- As evidenced by thinking about your hurt feelings here.

...Either from blocking it out for self protection or time or alcohol/weed

You can work through any of these ”blocks.” Or at least try to. The fact that you’re not willing to shows where you are in progressing forward from the person you were.

My suggestion? IC.
Forget the M for a few months and see if you can figure out who you are and how you were willing to so easily betray your wife, and more importantly if her progress is worth your effort. Because from the cheap seats it doesn’t look like that’s the case, at which point you owe her the option to move on.

Zugzwang posted 3/18/2020 10:09 AM

Why did you delete your post? Ask yourself. Were you looking to commiserate? Did you get bothered that you were told you were more regretful than remorseful? Keep lurking and hopefully you will see yourself in other threads with new WS that are at the same stage as you and come back when you are really willing to own it and face some harsh truths about all cheaters. You can survive this and continue to be stuck being the man you were when you cheated or you can choose to grow and really change for yourself so you can be happy and fulfilled one day.

EvolvingSoul posted 3/19/2020 01:38 AM

Hi there Stupidman01,

Welcome to SI. It was really difficult for me to fully accept the timeline for healing from an affair. At the outset, when I heard 2-5 years, I thought it was ridiculously long and that my BS and I would take much less time than that. Boy did that turn out to be wrong. It took more like 6-7 years for us. This June will be 10 years since D-day and we are reconciled. That doesn't mean the affair never comes up, or that he never gets triggered. He occasionally still does. Learning to talk about the affair from a place of non-defensiveness and learning to recognize when your BS is triggering and help them through it in a way that does not make things worse is just part of the post-infidelity landscape.

A few things.

Have you created a timeline of the affair? That is a written document with as much detail as you can remember, in chronological order. For a lot of people, writing things down in this way helps them jog their memory and you can continue to insert details as you remember them. It also gives her something she can read and process at her own pace without you having to be present. The affair blew a big hole in her subjective reality. What she thought was real, wasn't. Who she though you were, you weren't. She is trying to piece together a new reality that matches what actually happened. It's really common for BSes to ask the same questions again and again. If you haven't already you should read the post "Things Every WS needs to know" by HUFI-PUFI, pinned to the top of this forum.

A couple other things.

First, it's going to be crucial for you to understand how and why you were able to betray your wife and your own integrity. You were able to choose hurting and harming your wife in order to have the feelings you wanted in the moment. You are not going to be able to offer her safety in the relationship (or anyone safety in any relationship) until you figure out how and why you were able to do that and take steps to fix the thought processes that allowed it. Individual counseling is a great place to get started on that.

Second, it will help you a lot if you develop some tools that will help you deal with difficult feelings in a way that is non-destructive. Defensiveness is not your friend. Yes it does feel crummy to talk about the affair. It does feel crummy to be reminded that we are the villain that part of our story. Those crummy feelings are just feelings. They don't have to derail you, if you can learn to relate to them differently. A mindfulness practice with daily meditation as its foundation can help you learn how to relate to your thoughts and feelings in a wholesome way.

Recovering from infidelity takes a long time, but with the right kind of sustained effort you can survive and even thrive. I hope you stick around. Read lots, post when you have questions or need support. Some of the advice will be tough to hear. Try to keep your defenses low and your curiosity high.

Proceed with conviction and valor, and welcome to the path from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

EvolvingSoul posted 3/20/2020 11:43 AM

Also , there is a good discussion of the BSes need to keep going over the same things in the thread entitled “Upside down” started by Iamtrash on this forum. Very good insights there from both WS and BS sides of things.

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