SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, I have started to date an amazing man this last month. He has his PhD, has his kids 50/50, treats me sooo well. My biggest concern is that he has not been single very long. Last year he and his ex separated in January but he didn't move out of the marital home until May. He has been dating quite a bit. He is still technically married even though they filed over a year ago (the wife fights him on every single thing).

I know that even a year after my separation, I was in no place to be in a serious relationship. I needed to get tattooed, pierced, I needed to travel solo and buy myself a vintage camper. I'm afraid that this guy will also need the same things and will not be ready for a serious relationship. What do you guys think? This guy seems like such a great catch, I don't want to let my concerns get in the way of me being with a wonderful person.

Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to get involved until they are actually divorced. The divorce process is hard and can make people act in ways they wouldn't normally act. You don't know what his baseline behavior is, he is in a jam. I would not join him as a serious relationship at this time. It's really hard to say. Perhaps you can let him know your concerns and keep it casual until his divorce is finalized? I would say that I was not really in a great spot to be seeing other people seriously during my divorce, and it took over a year to get everything finished, because my XH was fighting me at every step (well sort of, he'd vacillate between acquiescing to telling me I'm being an unfair hater often). During that time I could not be fair to someone who wanted to be serious with me, even though I gladly would have accepted the attention.

Is this guy ready to be serious?

No. I do believe that HE might think he is though. I remember folks telling me the healing that takes place after the D is final versus during the process was different. I didn't half believe that because I had be moving on, etc.

But I will say the healing continued for a long time.

He has been dating quite a bit.

During this phase, many of us craved validation. Our esteem took a beating along the way and to know that we were actually still valued to a potential partner was quite the rush.

I have started to date an amazing man this last month.

You are very early in the dating process with him. Everyone seems great at a month. It isn't until 6 month to a year we get to see all those flaws and can decide if this is what we can deal with, etc.

Can you give us more insight on what you are seeing/hearing from him that is making you step back and say 'this is too serious too soon"? I would think he would be just as interested in taking it slow since he is still in process AND has kiddos to consider in his NB.

This guy seems like such a great catch, I don't want to let my concerns get in the way of me being with a wonderful person.

Trust your gut. If he is such a wonderful person and it is meant to be....it will even if you are on the slow track of this relationship with him.

What makes me think "to serious to soon"?

Humm.... I'm not sure there is anything that makes me feel uncomfortable with the way things are. We have already discussed our thoughts on getting married again, having more kids, etc... But at this point in my life I don't like to hide what I am looking for in a man.

He is very kind to me and I'm not really used to that. I think sometimes he is just trying to do something nice (like make me dinner with dessert) and it feels weird to me because men don't usually treat me like this.

He is looking at getting a house and wants me to take a look at one. While on one hand I find that odd, on the other hand I think he just wants to get another person's opinion on it. He has not said anything like "I want you to look at it because it might be your home one day."

After my divorce when I was 33, it seemed to me that, as my father had warned me, "all the good ones would be taken" so with that mentality of "scarcity," I hated to "miss my chance," you know? That got me into a lot of stupid heartbreak. We can have an internal message telling us "better grab this one! Might be your last chance." Men and women both can think this way, but I suspect more women do, maybe?

But you never want to be "the clean up woman" as an old 1950's popular song went. (I know, I'm a dinosaur!!)

His asking for your opinion on a house? Probably just slotting you in where his "STBXW" would have been. People do that, too. Doesn't "mean" much about how he feels, specific to YOU, when you see it that way. New to you, feels nice, but he has tons of old tapes to erase, yet.

C.a.r.e.f.u.l.

I don't want to let my concerns get in the way of me being with a wonderful person.

I don't think wonderful people come along every day. I think you should proceed cautiously. I've only dated one person since I separated and every time I thought "maybe it's too soon", I realize that I may never have this great a relationship again. We are SO compatible in every way. I am older than you though... I'm not looking for a future family situation.

Enjoy the relationship and talk to him honestly about your concerns. Honesty, Honesty, Honesty.

Everyone is different. I have friends who have been divorced for years and haven't dated at all! To me that's sad..but I'm not them! Be yourself.

It IS possible to slow track the relationship for a very long time. Ask me how I know!

Provided, of course, he is on board for that slow track. Explain it to him and see where it goes. That way you can still enjoy the company, let him get through is divorce, and see where your feelings are at that time. Who knows, maybe the limerence will wear off and you will decide it is not such a good match after all! Time will tell...

Just don't let him draw you into a gap filler for his STBXW because he so early into this. He may do it without realizing it, and it will be up to you to keep that boundary in place.

Your story sounds like me. I had tried R for 4 years and eventually couldnt take more lies. So I told my exW that I wanted a divorce and a month later I met someone I worked with who was also going through a divorce. We talked about our ex's and immediately enjoyed talking to one another. After a few months of that we realized we liked each other. I was trying to get out of the house with my exW, got an apartment and me and the new person spent some time together.

I eventually bought a house and I have been renovating it. I asked new person about her preferences on the renovation and I take some of her ideas and use them. Of course I look at the house as an investment and when I sell it I want it to be designed with a woman taken into consideration.

But I sound like the guy you are dating. I really wasn't single and this is the first person I met after my exW. I have been seeing this girl for a year now, and it is the best relationship I have ever been in. She is gut level honest with me because she knows my pain,

I kept thinking it was just a new relationship and it would wear off or we would hit the 6 month mark and she would change. It didn't.

Why not just wait and enjoy the relationship as it is. There is no hurry to get married again. Although it is wonderful to talk about being together forever (did it also). But dont make any decisions based on your emotions.

The weirdest part of the relationship to me is that I am not used to someone else looking out for my needs. I certainly did not get from exW.

Take ur time, you will know eventually by his behavior whether he is worth it or not.