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Ex communication

Phcj123 posted 12/31/2019 12:19 PM

It has been 3 1/2 months since husband cheated and left me and we have joint custody of 16 month old. He is dating the girl he cheated with, who lives within 5 min walk from me and continuously stalks my Instagram stories. My ex and I had been getting along really well lately. Then sat night I ran in to him leaving his girlfriends place and I was with a guy and drunk eek. I was fine though and I had got a sitter.

Today he came to drop off child and then brought up that he thinks it was not ok to be drunk when I am responsible for our child and who was that guy and then saying I hadnít even spent time with our child and just went out partying. He used to go out all the time until 3am when we were together and leave me home with the baby. We got in a huge fight.

I said well I donít think itís ok that you have the new girl around my child, havenít had the decency to tell me and all I know about her is that she stalks me and clearly has no values if she did what she did. I did not bring the guy around my child and I would not until I had a serious relationship and had the respect to tell my ex first before doing that.

Every time we get in a fight and I try to defend myself he says Iím attacking him. But the way he starts every convo is attacking me. He brought this convo up in quick manner right before he was leaving for work. So now he msg that he wants to do therapy to work on our communication. Ugh Iím so fuming right now. It just sucks that his new gf lives so close and I am bound to run in to them regularly. Theyíre both awful human beings!

Phoenix1 posted 12/31/2019 12:39 PM

I know it's hard, but don't take his baiting. It only leads to arguing and gets you nowhere. If he can't be civil without attacking, then shut down communication with a simple, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Ignore GF too. She should be irrelevant to you because, in all reality, unless she is an actual danger to your child, she will be in your WH's life for as long as that relationship lasts. Can you block her on Instagram (I don't use it so don't really know) and all other social media? And if you run into her, hold your head high, walk tall and proud, and walk right past her. Irrelevant.

It's hard, but the more you practice, the easier it becomes.

LilBlackCat posted 12/31/2019 12:40 PM

Wow, I am sorry that things are right in your face like that.

Your best bet, it to not respond to his BS.

out partying... >> None of your business, and walk away.

who that guy... >> again, none of your business and walk away.

That should be your approach with it.. Do no engage beyond.. It's none of your business.

LilBlackCat posted 12/31/2019 12:41 PM

Can you block her on Instagram (I don't use it so don't really know) and all other social media?

Make your profile private.. and she can't stalk you anymore.

JadedByItAll posted 12/31/2019 14:13 PM

Yeah, he's just upset because he sees that you're moving on. Apparently, you haven't got the memo that you're supposed to still be wallowing in self-pity, and perpetually pining for your lost love to someday return to you. His ego is bruised because you refuse to keep yourself on his back-burner as his poor, pitiful 'Plan B.'

Going forward, what you need to do is stop engaging with him. All it does is just feed his fragile ego, and lets him know that you're still emotionally invested in him. Using the 'gray rock' method will be your best friend when dealing with your ex. The next time he decides to air his grievances with you, counter him with phrases like, "I'm sorry you feel that way," or, "I'll take that under consideration," then, keep it moving. Otherwise, just outright ignore him and go on about your business. The less interaction you have with him, the better off you'll be, in the long run.

WornDown posted 12/31/2019 14:51 PM

One thing that was hard for me to really learn was that I couldn't control what my ex said/did, but I could control how I responded to it.

Took me a while to accept that when the kids were with her, whatever she did, I couldn't prevent/stop/change.

But I could be there to support them and be the (better) parent that they needed.


----------------------------------------------
Aside:

When I say the title, I thought you were asking about getting kicked out of the Catholic church. I was confused when first reading your post.

EggplantGalore posted 12/31/2019 16:33 PM

(I also thought the title was about getting kicked out of the faith at first, and I had to read it again.)

Grey Rock your Ex.

devotedman posted 12/31/2019 19:02 PM

In his ego-fueled mind he sees himself as "desired by two women," you and his new GF.

You being out with someone else burst that little bubble and, like a 5-year old whose soap bubble has just burst, he's crying about it. Then, even though it is _his_ bubble, he's blameshifting popping that bubble off onto you.

Only talk about kids and finance. When he gets off subject, leave, say goodbye and hang up, don't reply to emails or texts. Your engaging with him feeds his ego, even argumentative engagements show that you're still emotionally invested.

Don't forget, now that he's got a new GF the position of OW is empty. Don't get emotionally entangled with him (via arguments, all of that sort of stuff) and inadvertently take that position (in his mind).

"I'm sorry that you feel that way."
"Feeling that way must be hard."

Those sorts of noncommital phrases followed by disengaging are your friend.

Healershaman posted 1/1/2020 20:08 PM

Ditto to what WornDown said.
we only have control over ourselves.

It takes time and practice, but you'll find the strength and courage to move past his antics, and react the way you want to react.

It's a learning process that most of wish we didn't have to learn, but we learn none the less.

Phcj123 posted 1/2/2020 10:43 AM

JadedByItAll, Healershaman, itís funny because we had been getting along super well lately. My feelings to him had subsided and we were coparenting great for our child. Then he gave me a Xmas card and photo flip book of baby which I thought was a little much but guess was trying really hard to make up for his guilt. But then this happened. So now I think I need to go back to no contact with him. Apparently had been too nice.

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