Hi everyone, I (M22) would just like to share my story and hope to get advice on what I should do to help myself, my gf (F19) and our relationship.
We met in January this year and have been together for nearly 10 months. In the midst of it all my gf has been perfectly loving and kind and understanding, however, I took her for granted and went behind her back talking to other people through apps like Tinder and Bumble.
The first time I was caught was in June, when my gf discovered I was texting other girls. Despite this, she decided to give me a second chance and we decided to work on our communication, as I deleted the apps and went no contact with the people I was talking to. Despite this working for a brief period of time, talking and flirting with other people seemed like an addiction to me as I soon found myself wanting to do it again whenever I felt insecure and needy.
This would go on for a period of time, until I relapsed again this month and redownloaded the apps behind her back. Somehow, I compartmentalised that she was cheating on me due a perceived lack/decrease of affection, and told myself that it was okay for me to do the same. As a result, I started making plans to meetup with people from the apps. In the end, someone from the app outed me to her, as she was forced to confront me, and I broke her heart again.
With all that being said, I know my words and promises sound empty, but from the deepest corner of my heart I really wish to reconcile, because I realise I truly love her and cannot bear to be without her. I also feel like such a complete and utter failure who broke the heart of the person that mattered the most to him. I feel like a complete psychopath to have compartmentalised so many feelings and act in such an irrational manner, which until now I still cannot fully understand. I want to accept responsibility and all of the blame for cheating, but yet I fear this time even that may no longer be enough.
I really do want help and advices on how I should help my gf because seeing her heart broken again and unable to trust me any further absolutely destroys me. I wish all her pain and burden would be inflicted onto me so she does not have to spend countless night doubting my love for her or if I would do it again. I want to become a safe and loyal partner for her, and somebody who she can trust and rely on for the rest of her life.
What should I do moving on from here? How can I get rid of these addiction in seeking affirmation and pleasure from other people, and how can I help make it better for my gf, so that she does not have to suffer as is now doing currently. I’m aware that she has every right to give up on us anytime, but how can I show her that this r/s is worth keeping? Please help me and even though I’m feeling so many negative emotion, please feel free to give me any constructive advice, even if they are rough to hear. Thank you all for your help.