I don't know how long it's been since I've been here... I've had a few really good things happen, all while being stuck looking in my rear view mirror.
Still so mad. So. Mad.
Xwjerk is remarried last May. Not affair partner so that complicates feelings for me. He has been dating her since before he left this house, I know that from when I was doing my crazy spying stuff. But we were done at that point so she's nothing to me. Frankly that whole thing makes me shake my head because although she has her own home, and kids - who my x has a relationship with - he continues to live /sleep at his mothers probably half the time. As in he and his new bride don't live together.
Not my business, just...smh
My house, oh man, my house! After 3 dumpsters, 4 pickups from charity, and a small storage unit - I am cleaned out -(except for his stuff in my garage, I'll get back to that)-
I pulled up carpets that covered hardwood - not in bad shape, painted horrible walls, oh, and I painted his piano. The one I bought for him and we composed songs for our boys when they were babies. The one too big and ugly ( it was black) to sell or throw away....well now it's this beautiful minty green and lives in my new dining room and it feels all mine. So much better than just trashing it.
( That happened this last week, I'm still riding that high haha )
A month before his wedding he kept asking to meet me for lunch -"I have some money for you", and honestly I had been going- I told myself it was a chance to show him I was better off without him - but that was doomed to fail because I want him to know just how much he screwed up. OF COURSE that never ever was going to happen. Well,so, I took a deep breath and texted him that I was no longer going to do that - meet him, have lunch, or drinks, he was getting married and it wan't right - furthermore it hurt me so. he answered "ok".
Aaaaaannd that was the last time he paid me anything. I really don't intend to go running to him with a check in my hand when I sell the house so....I don't know.
Honestly? Telling him no I wasn't going to lunch anymore was like (ok, almost) serving him with divorce papers all over again. The final push came when I realized I expected-wanted-hoped my sons gf-now-fiance (!!) would never ever eat lunch or anything with him alone again. So, I became the example. And it's good.
So I plan on wintering here in my home, I have a little more facelifting to do, and list it in the spring. I think I'm afraid I'm going to be debilitatingly sad after though. I'm terrified to be that sad ever again. I know I need the new start, to sleep in my very own bedroom, to finish healing (finish? Is that a thing?) So forward I go.
But I'm lonely. I'm surrounded by close families, couples, people with tangible futures. All I feel is burdened, loaded down, ripped off, strong in a bad alone way, mostly crappy really. I'm gonna be fine. I know that. But I want wonderful haha. I'm writing because this has been my safe place, my "home" where most everyone gets it. It's been 6 years since my real DDay. I've been on that bus all this time, I'm the girl in the 2nd to back seat, scrunched down, knees up on the seat in front, hair covering my eyes, reading my book. Oh, and my dogs sitting next to me so that's good.
I worry I'll be alone forever.
I just hope that I am less insecure about all of it by my sons wedding. I've a year and a half haha. It'll be hard (and stupid, juvenile) to avoid xwh wife at our son's wedding. I gotta pull that part off with grace and it wouldn't hurt to look/be fabulous
Ok, so now I'm just rambling on, I will leave you fine friends with the rest of your day :)
