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Boundaries

Zomby posted 10/6/2019 16:07 PM

With my new partner, we are now discussing what are our limits, what things we would consider as cheating and how to handle these situations. We have been faithful to each other but in the past, we have both been cheated on and we have also cheated. Because of that, I think our perspective might still be tinted by the past and I would like to read other opinions or ways to handle this. I personally think is good we are having this conversation, the problem is we have 2 very different approaches:

I'm not sure if I fully understand hers, but what she expects of me is because we are together I should not be open to meeting anyone new. If I start to think that I might be better off with somebody else, then I have already taken steps to cheat. Even when somebody else doesn't have a name. Just the fact that I could consider the possibility makes me open to cheating and less invested in the relationship.

I personally think there will always be situations with other people that can lead to cheating and is about what we do to handle them. There will be people who will approach us wanting something more, and considering our past, what we need to correct is how we behave so we don't do anything. If she meets somebody else (an actual person, not a hypothetical one) and feels like having anything with that person, then I would like her to tell me or to leave me before it gets physical or when she notices herself looking to be or spend time with that person more and more (the emotional border is harder to define for me...) I would love for her not to feel attracted at all and to be completely devoted to us, but I struggle to trust her and I think that's an unrealistic expectation. If she would prefer someone else, she can go, just leave me before and don't lie to me.

Can you give your opinions about our approaches? Could you recommend something to read? Right now this has become a big fight about who is right, and I think that's stupid. I just want to know what is healthy, or how to handle this. If my approach is shit, then I want to know so I can change it.

Thanks

[This message edited by Zomby at 4:34 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

landclark posted 10/6/2019 20:48 PM

Right now this has become a big fight about who is right, and I think that's stupid.

Opinions are not really right or wrong. Theyíre just opinions.

I personally agree with her thought process, though donít consider it cheating. If youíre open to something better, then yeah, thatís a problem and I do think thatís how some cheating starts. Thinking the grass may be greener on the other side.

I also agree with you that before cheating, she should be honest and exit the relationship, or choose to work on it. If only more people did that!

I donít think either of you are wrong. You just have different opinions. Unless youíre planning to keep yourself open to something better, or sheís unwilling to be honest if she finds somebody else, I donít really see the problem

WhoTheBleep posted 10/7/2019 07:41 AM

I personally agree with her thought process, though donít consider it cheating. If youíre open to something better, then yeah, thatís a problem

This. A problem,but not cheating.

As far as behavior with the opposite sex, you should both always behave as though your SO was standing right next to you. If you wouldn't say it or do it with them standing there, you shouldn't be saying it or doing it. It's called a slippery slope, inappropriate flirty behavior, EA, or PA. All are BAD.

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