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IndependenceSoon posted 10/5/2019 15:49 PM

Married 29 years, two kids. After thanksgiving of 2016 one of my kids told me WH was cheating. I started lining up my ducks. Got a separate bank account, exercised, did alot of reading, etc. I wasnt surprised really about the cheating but i needed to confirm he was. I confirmed it and detached from him. In hindsight, i learned he used me the whole marriage, probably had alot of affairs and hid money. I was just useful to do the chores, take care of the kids, the house so after work he could sit on his butt. I worked a job but took care of everything. He moved out in january and we are in process of divorce. I walked through the pain and am trying to create a new life. One day at a time...

WhoTheBleep posted 10/5/2019 16:40 PM

Welcome. And I'm sorry you are here. But things are looking up for you, because you are surgically removing a cheater from your life.

Congratulations!!

JanaGreen posted 10/5/2019 20:21 PM

It sounds like you have been very wise in your actions. Welcome to the other side.

IndependenceSoon posted 10/6/2019 01:07 AM

Thank you very much! I know doing the financial part of the divorce will be difficult but im going to fight for my fair share. WW has only cared about himself. I just want to get the divorce done. In the meantime im keeping busy to get house projects done, pay off debt so i can save money and continue to work on myself and create my new life...

WhoTheBleep posted 10/6/2019 06:29 AM

If you think he hid money, consider hiring a forensic account. I did, recently.

I'm happy to hear you are going for your share of the assets. He may not have treated you as an equal partner, but the law certainly will. Secure your financial future.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:29 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

IndependenceSoon posted 10/6/2019 07:22 AM

I know he hid money and i tracked where it is. The kids and i lived tight for many years. Most of my paycheck went for bills and he would pay some. I thought it was about sacrifing for my family. But he was living well. He used the money for APs and the current AP, drives an expensive car and buys whatever his heart desires. He hid about 170k. We have a temporary agreement for child support/alimony until a judge receives and signs off on a msa. He will be mad when he gets the msa and we discuss financials. But i need to get what i can for my future...

Chrysalis123 posted 10/6/2019 09:16 AM

I was just useful to do the chores, take care of the kids, the house so after work he could sit on his butt. I worked a job but took care of everything

One bonus of divorcing was I had a lot less work to do. I lost a 180 pound man child.

I hope you are documenting very well. Guys like him don't play well in the sandbox when they realize wifey wised up. Hope for an easy divorce but prepare for a nasty one.

Keep your sources secret. Email only so you are developing a paper trail. Get a bulldog attorney on your side. I predict he will use everything you say against you so learn about the 180. I'm going to bump a thread called "The Simplified 180". It will have a bullseye next to it and you will see it on the "Just Found Out Forum".

You have found a great place here. Many of us have divorced people like your husband and there is so much wisdom. You cannot over post.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 9:22 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

IndependenceSoon posted 10/6/2019 13:12 PM

Thank you for the advice and support. I really appreciate it. I have bank statements, etc hidden. I collected documents after I found out about the cheating and him hiding money. I consulted three attorneys. I got a new car in my name because my old car needed 5k in repairs so i would have a safe car for my son and me. All of the divorce documents are completed but will need to be adjusted if he and i can come to an agreement. If we can the attorney will check everything over. If we cannot agree, the attorney will take over. I even have a copy of paycheck stub that shows he gets 10k in bonus money per year. I have been gray rock with him. He doesn't know that I know about the cheating. I only discuss sons visits with him and divorce. I keep my boundaries. If he doesn't ask for visit two days in advance, he is shit out of luck. He is not allowed in my house. I have one friend I confide in. My dad passed last year, 4 months later he moved out, my daughter had a heart attack and my sister is trying to cheat me out of inheritance. So I'm alone going through this.

cannotforgive posted 10/7/2019 04:16 AM

You are one strong lady, I admire you.

You have your friend and your kids, you are not alone.

I hope your daughter recovered well.

Big hugs and stay on course.

PS. After the divorce is done, inform the OBS( if there is one) and burst their fantasy land.And if you can find the other betrayed husbands/partners of the previous AP's, even better.

[This message edited by cannotforgive at 4:17 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

EvenKeel posted 10/7/2019 07:34 AM

If he doesn't ask for visit two days in advance, he is shit out of luck.
If you do not have a visitation agreement yet, please write one out. When you get to the next phase of your life; you don't want to be on a two day notice of his latest visit desire.

I worked a job but took care of everything.
The good news about this is you are already to being a single parent. I found that a little helpful in the transition.

The kids and i lived tight for many years.
I found finances were actually better after the D. Sure there was less paycheck coming in the household....BUT that mysterious LEAK of funds went dry. Money was always disappearing when I was M.

You got this. Yes, you will grieve the loss of the M. But I also felt a huge weight was lifted from me.

You still have a lot of chapters left in your book! Best is yet to come. So hang in there.

IndependenceSoon posted 10/7/2019 08:14 AM

Thank you very much. Some days are hard. I just keep trying to be strong. My daughter is good. It was from the flu, it made one of the heart valve swell and created a blockage. My son will be 18 in 5 months. Once he is 18, i can distance myself more from WH and when the divorce is completed, i wont need to deal with him at all.

MamaDragon posted 10/7/2019 10:30 AM

Good going on being gray rock, finding the hidden money and not only lining those ducks up but making them quack and march in sync!

Glad your daughter is doing better - and hooray for son almost being 18 & you being able to separate even further from him.

You sound like you might be in for a fight on the financials but you got your bitch boots on and seem ready to two step. Go for it!

You are not alone - you have us SI'ers and your friends & kids....

BTW, how is his relationship with the kids?

IndependenceSoon posted 10/7/2019 13:48 PM

Thanks for the support, I appreciate it. My daughter doesn't see him much because she feels he rejected her in teens because of tattoos. Cheater only asks for visit with son about six hours a week (on saturdays). Our son doesn't really want to spend time with him. Yes I do have my bitch shoes ready to go!

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