"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

havequestions posted 8/11/2019 15:05 PM

Just started meeting people and dating after d.
I find myself in the unenviable position of smothering the women I date. I have read on “one itus” and see many similar traits. I think I am so happy that someone thinks I’m attractive and likes me and wants to be with me, I push it.
While I have no right to be upset, I am when they don’t text back right away, have to cancel a date, or when i believe they might be out with someone else and I damn well know that it’s none of my business!!!
It should be easy NOT to text them, so why is it same damn hard?
I know neediness is a women’s biggest turn off, but I am struggling with how not to be!
They have actually been very nice and understanding of my situation, but that didn’t last. One women goes though the trouble of concocting detailed stories Of why she has to cancel a date. She truly is creative! I suspect she doesn’t want to come right and tell me that she doesn’t want to see me to spare my feelings because she went through a similar situation.
I don’t and can’t live like this.
Any suggestions on how to just stop being so smothering and needy?
Any suggestions on how I can tell this one women this really isn’t who I want to be and I’m working on it so that she doesn’t cut me off forever?
I always thought of myself as a confident person, right now in not.

[This message edited by havequestions at 3:06 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 8/11/2019 15:13 PM

How long have you been divorced? When was your D-Day?

It sounds like you haven't taken enough time to heal. You might be looking for a new woman to fill a hole in you. That's not her responsibility. You need to make yourself a whole person long before you begin dating.

What are your hobbies? Do you actively pursue those hobbies? Are you making new memories for yourself? Things that eventually you can share over dinner with a new woman, the result being that you sound interesting and busy with a full life, and not putting all the pressure on her to make you happy and (vomit!!) meet your needs . (That was WH's biggest complaint of me. He was, it turns out, a bottomless pit of need)

Any suggestions on how I can tell this one women this really isn’t who I want to be and I’m working on it

As a woman, might I suggest...do not say that. In fact don't say anything about it. Just DO. Talking about being needy is almost as bad as actually acting needy.

Distract yourself with things other than women, like work, exercise, hobbies etc. This woman, or the next will see you in a better light. Words don't mean much. Actions, friend.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 3:18 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

fareast posted 8/11/2019 16:21 PM

WhoTheBleep has given you excellent advice. Just do. Actions speak loudly. But I also want to say what you are experiencing is to be expected given how your WW treated you forever. Your exWW demeaned you and denied you sex and intimacy for at least the last seven years of your M. I am very glad to see you free of her. Hopefully you have very little contact with her. The less the better. Your exWW would also go out of her way to humiliate and embarrass you in public. It is going to take a while to regain your self esteem and self worth. Please get into IC to help you deal with the emotional abuse you suffered for years. Meanwhile, if I recall correctly, you had a recent sexual encounter that was positive. Be confident. At least fake it until you make it. Take action and trust yourself. Don’t let your ex’s abuse rain on you4 parade as you move forward. Good luck.

havequestions posted 8/11/2019 16:42 PM

I’ve been single only a few months. I know it will take time. If I know something is wrong to do, why the heck do I still do it?
I realize that I was trying to fill years of neglect in a short time and that it wasn’t fair to the woman I dated,
Now I am embarrassed at how I acted and feel helpless because I know I can’t fix this one. I’m told that if a woman sees the “needy” side, she will not forget it and will not want to be with me again. Sad.

[This message edited by havequestions at 4:45 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 8/11/2019 19:55 PM

Sending a big platonic hug your way, havequestions. Don't be hard on yourself. You've been through hell. Not that long ago, too. It's going to take time.

I second the IC suggestion. In fact, it's imperative that you go. (I'm going tomorrow morning!!) There are no words to describe how helpful it is. I might actually go forever, as I have three kids to raise with my BPD STBX.

Go slow. Shake this one off. You are not going to be perfect your first time out of the gate. Work on you. Once you are stronger and further healed, the rest will come naturally.

traicionada posted 8/11/2019 20:57 PM

First, take a deep breath. Second, give yourself permission to be human which means you’re going to make mistakes and that’s OK. Third, why do you think you are ready to date only after a few months?

BTW, some people are ready to date much quicker than others but too often we see dating as the “I am OK” milestone. Look at me, world! I am OK! Look at me, moving on with my life and stuff Are you forcing yourself to date just to prove you ain’t broken?

EvenKeel posted 8/12/2019 07:29 AM

If I know something is wrong to do, why the heck do I still do it?

The validation we get when we start dating in our NB is intoxicating. We have suffered esteem hits from our M and this new attention we get is like a drug.

Any suggestions on how I can tell this one women this really isn’t who I want to be

Actions not words. You can tell her all you want; but your actions are what matter.

and I’m working on it so that she doesn’t cut me off forever?

HOW are you working on this?

I don’t and can’t live like this.

Great news my friend. You don't have too. You know you have an issue and you have the desire to fix it. Please seek so IC to get you there. As you know...broken attracts broken. The type of folks that would respond to you in your current state are not who you would want for your NB.

You can do this!

(And as other said, you are REALLY early in your NB. You will learn lots of lessons and that is ok. I also dated way to soon. Got my heart crushed. However, it was such a life lesson on what I do and don't want going forth. Guess I had to learn the hard way instead of just giving myself that time to heal. )

Okokok posted 8/12/2019 11:11 AM

@WhoTheBleep really is on the money; listen to her!

I would second the fact that you really need to get out there and pursue your own hobbies/activities. Any form of regular exercise, for starters. This will translate into confidence and good things in your dating life. At the very least, it will fill up your plate so that you're not only thinking about women/dating.

You mentioned confidence, and yes, I think a huge part of this is a lack of confidence.

I might direct you to a little film called "The Tao of Steve"; one of the first "rules" of dating success in this context is "be desireless." Very tricky, perhaps, but it takes forethought, confidence, and willpower to inhabit that space!

Anyway...keep working on it. You are absolutely correct in your assessment that you have no right to be upset about these things, that being needy is a turn-off, and that you can't live (healthily) like this.

Remember that the women you date are individual human beings and they owe you nothing -- not even good stories for date cancellations. Have fun, be respectful, and plan ahead for when things don't go the way you hoped or expected (which will happen much of the time!). Things will get easier as you get more experienced in the middle-age dating scene :)

havequestions posted 8/12/2019 17:04 PM

Thanks to all for your feedback.
I never really made the decision that I was ready to date or not. The opportunity was there and I have been longing for someone to find me attractive and worth spending time with.
I think I would rather have had this happen and learn from it then to wait 6 mos or longer to decide I am ready and who even knows when that might be.

Phoenix1 posted 8/12/2019 18:16 PM

You might want to Google "limerence." It affects people to different degrees, but it might resonate with you as to why you feel such strong need to do things when you first start dating someone. If you can recognize it for what it is, then you can be proactive in watching for it going forward.

BobPar posted 8/13/2019 12:01 PM

It is nice to be felt attractive. So I'm not going to say stop looking to date eventhough "ideally" that may be best. Just be honest. Things may be messy and I found that a lot of people I met early on had similar hurts. Like attracts Like.

I agree with needing IC. So helpful. Learn about yourself and red flags in your relationships.
Also, work on strengthening yourself. You'll tend to react less as you heal. The Melanie Beattie books help me a lot. And when I have a rough day, I go back to read one of them if I can get in the mindset to read.

Exercise helps me a lot as well.

When they don't text back, it is a learning opportunity to work on self care and self soothing. Not easy, but use the opportunity. Learn to slow your "all in" response so you are making different relationship choices.

You will be fine havequestions. You will get to where you need to be. Do the work you need to do on you.