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Cohabitation Etiquette

Goldbird96 posted 6/2/2019 06:01 AM

Just found out from my 22yr old daughter that my Ex has been living with her boyfriend and my 14, 16yr old daughters. Sheís been seeing this guy for about a year. Iíve never met him. Also found out they are going to Hawaii together for two weeks in July.

We have 50/50 split but she has never said a word about cohabitation. Am I over-reacting that she is shacking with my daughters and guy Iíve never met? Should I say something?

I wonít go into why I feel this is morally wrong but I feel that there is a bit of an etiquette issue..?

shakentocore posted 6/2/2019 06:34 AM

The bottom line is that you are divorced and XW can date whoever she wants (so none of your business) and parent however she wants (inviting boyfriends to live with her). Yes, it would have been nice if she informed you (because then your girls wouldnít feel they were keeping secrets and you would know there was a reason if their behavior changed), but I think expecting to meet him is expecting too much.

StillLivin posted 6/2/2019 13:49 PM

She doesnt have to tell you. Is it morally right, no. But the bottom line is don't expect her to be any more morally or etiquette correct in the divorce than she was in the marriage.
Do a background check on new dude. If anything comes back, then determine if filing for full custody is something you want. Unfortunate, you have zero say in if she decides to shack up with someone.
I'm sorry. It definitely sucks having to continue eating shit sandwhiches.

Catwoman posted 6/2/2019 15:59 PM

Since this affects your children, I think she should tell you.

However, my ex moved in with the AP AND instructed the children not to tell me. I had no idea where my children were going for visitation for MONTHS!

Asking kids to keep secrets from the other parent is very damaging to them. I handled it very simply: if my kids knew, I assumed my ex knew (I'm not talking about major stuff--just about stuff in general). If I didn't want my ex to know (and if it wasn't any of his business, like going away with an SO for the weekend when it was his parenting time), I didn't tell my children. If it was important AND involved the kids, I told him myself.

I think asking children to keep secrets from their parents is a horrible thing to do.


Goldbird96 posted 6/3/2019 07:13 AM

Thank you Everyone! This is all great advice. Iím sorry for those who had to deal with this live-in SO situation of their APís ((I canít imagine that pain).

I think this is just another case of expecting decency from a morally bankrupt person. I guess Iíll have to eat another one.

EvenKeel posted 6/3/2019 07:26 AM

Not that it helps much; but you are not alone. My ex moved GFs in and out and not once did he consider the impact to his children (or even introduce, etc).

So all I could do was ask my children if they like the latest GF and if she was good to them? If she was, then that was all I was concerned about.

Good news is your children are older so you can tell them they can call you any time day or night if there are any issues, etc. and you will be there for them.

No you are not over-reacting. In the ideal situation, this would go much differently, but there is not much you can do. As others stated, verify the guy is seemingly sound.

Hang in there GB96 - you are on the home stretch of the teen years!

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