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Newest Member: Arooachraya

Just Found Out :
Recently found out my dad might be cheating, what do i do?

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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 10:23 AM on Tuesday, May 12th, 2020

posts: 10009   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8541473

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 11:11 AM on Tuesday, May 12th, 2020

Hey everyone, hope your all staying safe in this weird and worrying time!

Just wanted to post an update as to the current situation with my dad. Basically he has disowned me. Refers to me as my mums daughter now when talking about me. Says I threatened him and manipulated him. He has replaced me at work with other people for part of what I normally do and barks orders at me for the other things. He is still in denial that hes done anything wrong, blames me for the current situation (divorce) and blames my mum for the breakdown of the marriage.

He still hasnt even attempted to get in touch with my older sister, and says shes stopping him see his grandchildren. She has never said he cant see them, hes just not tried to. She now has another baby on the way and he has no idea :'(

My mum still cant accept what hes done, and his denial of the whole thing and blame shifting isn't helping her either.

I now need to cut ties with him as he clearly doesnt want a relationship with me anymore even though I did everything I could to try and salvage some of his life and people around him he still is using me as a scape goat as to why his business is now failing.

It's such a mess :'(

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8541479

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:05 PM on Tuesday, May 12th, 2020

I’m so sorry for you.

It’s unfortunate you have a father who is not a good man. He has lived his life under a black cloud of lies and deceit instead of truth and honesty.

He’s upset with your mon? Wow is he selfish and short sighted. Obviously he “did nothing wrong” and your mom has no reason to D him. You are smart enough to see his hypocrisy.

Sometimes toxic people are your closest family members. Doesn’t make sense to live your life this way. Find a new job and distance yourself from his craziness. You deserve better. Your whole family does.

Excellent news about your sister and her pregnancy. Something positive in your lives.

I hope your mom heals from this too.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12809   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8541486

rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 1:27 PM on Tuesday, May 12th, 2020

Your father is a really awful man. The fairest measure of a person, of a parent, is how they treat and care for their family and their children. Your father is a selfish man and gets an F in the grade on life.

You have been strong, moral and admirable in everything that you have done. Keep doing that. Support your mom and your siblings. Forget that your father exists. Let him find his way back.

Find a job far away from him. He's toxic and blinded by his business success. He's not to be admired or respected.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 1009   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8541499

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 1:52 PM on Tuesday, May 12th, 2020

Yeah it's apparently my mums fault, that she has been so cruel to him for leaving him the way she did... left him alone and depressed. In his words to my mum last night -

"I was THREATENED and MANIPULATED by a daughter (that's me) who interfered with something that was none of her business, and by doing so brought about where we are now.

I was ABANDONED in the most cruelest of ways by you, after all I had given you. Spat out without so much as a 'by your leave'.

BANISHED in an instant from the life of another daughter and my grandchildren.

Once your daughter (that's me) has finalised my ‘End of Year' accounts, and my accountant verifies them, I can give your accountant details of my financial position, and you can have the divorce you want. Business hasn’t been good for a while, so it won’t make for a pretty read."

Yeah thanks dad

I dont need him work wise anymore, but he still needs me I just dont want to have to speak to him anymore until he apologises and I know that will never happen.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8541509

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 2:01 PM on Tuesday, May 12th, 2020

I'm sorry, Blue. This is unfortunately not uncommon end to a situation in which the cheater is unremorseful. I just read a post on another site from a woman whose family imploded because her serial cheating sister went on a full smear campaign against her BH and only the poster and a few other people stood up to her lies. The cheating sister is still sending her messages saying she doesn't know what she did wrong years later. Unfortunately that's probably how your father will play this off in the future too.

When you get further away from this mess, your life will be more peaceful without his toxicity in it. Your mother's life will be more peaceful without it too. You're all going to be okay.

posts: 5166   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8541511

Shockedmom ( member #44708) posted at 3:06 PM on Tuesday, May 12th, 2020

Hi Blue,

So glad you updated. Congratulations on your upcoming niece or nephew! Good news is rare these days.

Sadly your dad may never accept responsibility for his actions and the ensuing consequences. It’s hard to let go of the hope that the man you remember will surface again. He is deep in the affair fog and vilifying those who threaten his fake world.

You, your mom and the rest of your family deserve much better. Your strength during this time has been amazing.

posts: 1089   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8541531

Thanksgiving2016 ( member #63462) posted at 5:16 PM on Tuesday, May 12th, 2020

Personally I would cease all contact with him. He’s toxic.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2018
id 8541560

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 6:15 PM on Wednesday, May 13th, 2020

My dad sent me a few emails this morning barking instructions for work... so i replied telling him i'll finish these current jobs but then i can no longer work with him for the sake of my mental health. Told him his actions towards me have been awful and that he'll need to remove his equipment from my place. He hasn't even bothered to reply yet, but he has started organising removal of his equipment - not even tried to sort it out with me. Says to his contact i've chosen my 'mums side' i haven't chosen any side. Said i want to cut ties with him completely, again i haven't said that. All i said was i couldn't work with him anymore :/

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8541918

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:13 PM on Wednesday, May 13th, 2020

He’s going to spin this in his favor no matter what happens.

Opening act - he did nothing wrong

Closing act - he did nothing wrong and blames everyone else

So sorry for you and your family. He’s acting like a toddler

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12809   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8541992

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 10:43 PM on Wednesday, May 13th, 2020

Your father is showing some narcissistic tendencies. They never want to lose. Just get your space, do your job, and let him behave like a child.

The hardest part is seeing the two adults who should have your best interest at heart act this way. Her alcohol consumption and his affair. It’s time for you to look after yourself. When they grow up tell them to contact you.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3608   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8542049

Edie ( member #26133) posted at 10:01 PM on Thursday, May 14th, 2020

Sorry Bluebox, I agree with Cooley about his narcissistic traits. That you are being punished by silent treatment and abuse in work is really despicable and It’s great how you have stood up for yourself and not allowed yourself to be not just the scapegoat but also the punchbag. Do not let in the guilt that he’s trying to lay on you, that’s part of the narcissist’s toolbox. It’s hard because it’s a parent but really work hard to resist that manipulative and controlling behaviour. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8542403

RubixCubed ( member #51615) posted at 5:44 AM on Friday, May 15th, 2020

Screw his "‘End of Year' accounts" and anything else you are doing for him. End it immediately. Let him sort it out. He deserves that and lots more.

"But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd."

posts: 647   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2016
id 8542508

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 10:50 AM on Monday, May 18th, 2020

Having been both the BS myself and now the daughter of infidelity, i honestly can't tell you whats worse. I was certainly devastated when my ex did what he did, i was completely destroyed mentally, and my self confidence is still extremely low, and my ability to trust is hard. But i am now in a much better place with a new boyfriend and we look after each other equally.

But this, is a whole new level :( to be the one who discovered the affair, to then confront the WH, my dad, to then have to tell the BW, my mum, and now being blamed for whats happening (he said when i confronted him, if i out him to mum any ramifications will be on me) its very VERY mentally difficult. My anxiety is through the roof on a daily bases, any time i see anything to do with my dad it spikes. Whenever i speak to my mum she asks about him, and keeps apologising for what he's done/doing to me. I try to be strong for her, knowing the pain she's in, but at the moment i don't feel mentally stable to be of help.

Plus lock down isn't helping so i can't go see her, or my sisters, nephews (1 i only saw when he was 48 hrs old and then lock down happened) & Niece. Now Nephew number 3 is on the way :) yes it's something to look forward to, but its being spoilt by what my dad has done/doing.

Not much to post about, i'm just struggling with the whole thing this week, and no idea how much longer its going to carry on before i can start moving on from it all :(

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8543450

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:50 PM on Monday, May 18th, 2020

I’m so sorry you are struggling.

You did not cause any of this. Your father did. This is all his fault. He may continue he to blame you but you need to keep saying to him “I’m not the one who chose to cheat.”

Blameshifting is a typical cheater move.

You did the right thing every step of the way. You confronted him first, you gave him a chance to rectify the situation but in the end he chose to lie and cheat. So now he’s retaliating against you like he’s a child.

Put on your Teflon suit and do not allow his words and actions to affect you. Did he think you weren’t going to tell your mom?

He’s mad because he underestimated you and your strength and courage. He thought he could bully you and it didn’t work.

Please get the strength to heal yourself. You need to stop blaming yourself. I once had to make a very tough choice and tell a disciplinary committee the truth. It sadly led to an attorney being disbarred. But I had to tell the truth because the wrong attorney was being blamed for malpractice that had nothing to do with the case under scrutiny.

It was never my fault. I was dragged into an ugly situation. Same goes for you. Your family has problems that have nothing to do with you. You have to move in and live your best life. Your parents can get professional help and move forward. Your mom can change her life or she can stay stuck! It’s up to her. But life will move on with or without her unfortunately.

It is HARD to watch people you love make the wrong choice. But it has to be their responsibility to change.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12809   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8543462

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 3:11 PM on Monday, May 18th, 2020

I just don't get what he gains from still denying it, still making out that i'm delusional! That's whats causing more pain. I know he'll never admit it properly, he genuinely believes he has done nothing wrong and every one is being so unfair on him.

My friend sent me a meme the other day that read -

'No one can throw a bigger tantrum than a narcissist whose losing control of someone else's mind.'

Its so true, I agree with you The1stWife, he is acting like a child who's been told no. He's sulking and angry.

My mum can't let go of what he's done, can't get her head round it and that's whats causing her more upset. Even more so with how he's treating me now.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8543490

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:49 AM on Tuesday, May 19th, 2020

So here’s your tactical move. The one positive thing you can do.

Stop playing his game. Remove yourself from the playing field.

Then he cannot upset you or your family any longer.

That’s what the 180 is for. To protect you. To stop his lying to you. To stop his manipulative behavior from affecting you.

The day I stood up to my H was eye opening for me. I avoid confrontation when I can. But at dday2 I finally had enough. He was blindsided when I hold him I was D him and he was now free to be with the OW or anyone else he chose. And he was leaving our home.

He effectively was removed from having any say or power over me. And that’s where you should be. A place where you are insulated from your dad’s toxic behavior. Where he cannot get to you.

It’s called no contact. Get out from his office and leave him to his lying cheating ways. Don’t look back unless he apologizes to you.

You will start to heal once you are away from him.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12809   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8543771

Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 8:32 PM on Monday, June 8th, 2020

Hello Bluebox,

I have been off SI the last few months, but was curious about how you are doing. I hope your life has stabilized, both emotionally and financially, and that you have lined up some IC to help you process all this without internalizing it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I still care!


posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8549275

EmbraceTheChange ( member #43247) posted at 3:09 AM on Tuesday, June 9th, 2020

Your dad is a (probably) a narcissit, so he will deny deny deny. Image and good reputation is all that matters to him.

Being the "good guy". That's why he's blaming you for his choices - you are the one who babbled on. You are the disloyal daughter. You are the one who printed his convos with the OW. Oh and you told your mom. Which resulted in your dad being chucked out. Nothing to do with him having an affair. Nope. His world crashed because of you (handy).

Narcissism is a upside down world. My ex started criticizing everything I was doing during his affair - how I talked to people, my jokes, my homeschooling etc. So when he would finally leave me for the OW, it was not because he was a horrible person leaving me and kids, to be with a homewrecker, but because his dumb wife was so horrible she said bad jokes. Also controlling. My ex m.i.l is also one, (I didn't know until dday, lucky me). When I told her that I was going to divorce my WH because he was lying about everything, she told ne to stop asking him questions so he wouldn't lie (I was making him lie, of course) and then told him to sell the family home because it was not unfair that I decided to divorce (after finding out a 1.5 yrs affair). So if Golden son was getting it in the face, so should I and my 5 kids. One was 1 yrs old. Yep, Grandma did not give a shit.

The best thing you can do is get another job and stop being in contact with your dad. As sad as it is, your sanity is more important than being his target. Because you were disloyal and exposed him as the cheater that he is. So now you will pay.

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination

posts: 1251   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Near Fort Worth, TX
id 8549376

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 5:53 PM on Wednesday, June 10th, 2020

Thanks everyone, hi Odonna :) I am still waiting for him to remove his equipment from my place, but he has actually spoken to me and asked nicely for me to be patient whilst he sorts out a place for it - given me a time scale and if it exceeds that i will be chasing up for him to shift it. I finally got chance to say a few things i've wanted to say to him, he didn't agree with them but i'm past caring to be honest. Atleast we are amicable for now - but i feel that's only because he's realised he needs me for the short term anyway.

Business is booming for mine and my boyfriends business we started in Aug 2018 and its certainly keeping me busy and my mind occupied :)

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8549769
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