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Can Not Believe ( member #30508) posted at 2:00 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2019
There is no greater fool than an old fool. Your father - sorry to say - in my opinion - is the Stereotypical “OLD” fool.
Everyone told you - from their experience - from the beginning - to tell your mom.
Instead - you choose not to- to give your Dad the benefit of the doubt.
All you accomplished was to give them more time to become closer.
I hope you see now that your mom needs to be told, and that without consequences- your Dad has NO reason to stop what he is doing
If anything - it seems to me that all you have done is enabled him.
You did your best to nip this, it didn’t work.
Now - PLEASE - tell your mom so she can be informed and bring some consequences to this drama.
Can Not Believe
I cannot believe this is a part of my life.
Me: BW - 68 FWH - 68 years old
Married: 48 years (2020) - 2 sons (1978 &1983)
Possible OC: 29 at the time
DD: Friday - August 13, 2010
OC refused paternity test
No Contact since June/2011
MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 2:14 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2019
Your Father is defending his affair partner - he is telling you she is a good woman and he was 'brought' back for a reason. HE is NOT GOING TO STOP - he has told you this in his email to you. He doesn't respect you, your Mum or siblings. He is NOT going to stop. He has 'excuses' as to why he should be allowed to be with this OW. You know how cheaters work...
He is CHOOSING HER over his family - again he told you this. Basically told you not to come in the office if you couldn't accept his AP.
In my opinion - he won't stop because he thinks you won't ever tell your Mum. He won't stop until something drastic is going to happen. I urge you to tell your Mum and siblings. You are worried about your Mum, I get that BUT she is stronger than you know. If she doesn't already know, when (NOT IF) she finds out and that you were aware, she will feel betrayed by both of you. She will be hurt because you didn't tell her. Your siblings need to know so that the three of you can stand up for your Mum and be her strength. Who knows, this may shock her out of drinking -
Either way, if you don't tell your Mum and siblings, you are essentially telling your Dad - OK dad, fuck the OW and I'll accept her. You really don't want to see that woman become your step mum. *shudders*
Do the right things, blow up this affair and put it in the spotlight. Cockroaches like the OW will scurry back to her dark rock then.
BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me
beauchateaux ( member #57201) posted at 3:58 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2019
Hi Bluebox - you are doing great. This is so hard, and you're handling it with a lot of decorum, no matter what your dad wants you to believe.
I am a bit confused though, and wanted to just ask you for clarity on a couple things so as to give better advice. Earlier in the thread, when you were in the process of confronting your dad, you reported:
He tried to explain his reasons, which I knew he would. He agreed to break it off, said hes not got any emotional investment to her what so ever so it wont be an issue to call off.
Said she handed it on a plate, and my mum told him 9 years ago that she no longer wants any sexual contact with him
He kept asking how i knew but i just said i just did, its irrelevant.
I've just witnessed a conversation between him and the OW basically fully calling it a day!
I'm struggling to see how this connects with the letter he wrote you completely denying an affair - it seems like he already confessed to having one when you confronted? Is he taking it back and attempting to gaslight you by pretending he didn't say any of this stuff? Or is he contending that he WAS having an affair, but now they're just friends and so he should be exempt from any accusations relating to an affair because his is 'in the past'?
All his talking about the OW being a fragile, special snowflake is BS and it's RIGHT out of the 'old fool' handbook, as Can Not Believe just said. I agree.
If he wants to play hero to someone, it should be to the woman he MARRIED, who he made vows to and promised to do EXACTLY this. But you may be right in that no amount of rational discussion or emotional appeal is going to get through to him right now. This OW is his #1 priority, and now that you've challenged him, he's digging his heels in.
Expose. Nothing that comes of exposing will be your fault - NOTHING. That's like exposing a murder and then having the murderer screaming at you that the victim's family is upset because of the disclosure and NOT the murder itself, which the murderer perpetrated. It's ridiculous, and it's false.
If I were you, I'd start with confiding in your sisters and telling them that you feel strongly that your mother should know. Then you can all support her through the discovery, and maybe she can get out of this sham of a marriage (yes, she's suffering from it too, and her alcoholism is probably related to her unhappiness) and maybe actually begin to make progress with her own healing.
Your dad? He can lie in the bed he made with the OW - and eventually, ironically, he'll come to see how irrelevant his affair actually made him. It's painful because you love him, but I think you know this situation has already spiraled beyond hope of everyone coming out unscathed.
[This message edited by beauchateaux at 10:00 AM, May 6th (Monday)]
I edit pretty much every post because I always hit submit and then think of 'one more thing' to say.
Lp0725 ( member #70272) posted at 4:32 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2019
This is such a horrible predicament your father has put you in, and I can't blame you for being hesitant to tell your mother the truth. Do you have any actual proof of the affair, such as screenshots etc.? It will be important for you to have proof since your dad will most likely deny everything to your mother. I think you should start with telling your most level headed sibling, and get their input on the best way to expose your father's affair. You and your sisters know your mother best, and you will need to have a plan in place to support her as she deals with the fallout.
It also makes me sick how he's defending his AP, like she gives a crap about him or his family. She's just using him, and it's ridiculous that he's trying to get you on board the pity train for her. Whatever trauma she has been through is NO excuse for trying to steal another woman's husband. He's making excuse after excuse, and has the audacity to tell you to mind your business after he's been flaunting his affair in front of you, putting you in an awful position. He's being extremely selfish and inconsiderate of you. At this point, he's made it clear he has no intentions to stop the affair, and he's really leaving you no choice but to expose him.
Are you going to be able to support yourself financially though after you expose him? You'll need to take this into consideration as well. While it's important for your mother to know what's going on, you have to protect yourself as well.
Thanksgiving2016 ( member #63462) posted at 8:30 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2019
I feel sorry for your mom. I have a strong feeling this is going to end with her being blindsided by him declaring he’s in love with another woman and moving out. Eventually she will discover you knew and kept it from her. She won’t find out from you but him. If I were in her shoes it would be unforgivable.
Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 8:40 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2019
I go away with my mum this weekend until Tuesday so i'll be speaking to her then. No i wouldn't be able to support myself financially if it all blows up etc but I would just get myself another job to make up the down fall. Jobs are replaceable, family isn't :( I am dreading the morning when i'll be seeing him at work :(
[This message edited by Bluebox at 2:44 PM, May 6th (Monday)]
stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 8:43 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2019
You have gotten a lot of advice. I am so sorry you are in this spot, your dad is an absolute shit for doing this and putting you in this situation.
I hope you can find employment someplace else, I am sure you feel you have no escape from this mess.
Hang in there, you are in a spot no one would think they would be in and I am sure it is so very stressful for you.
Me: BS 40 Him: WS 51 He cheated with massage parlor sex workersDday 01/19/2021
Kicked him out in 2021 - life is better on the other side. Moved on with the help of a wonderful therapist.
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 10:14 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2019
I do worry that he is going to try to manipulate the situation by telling your mum this week that you are cracking up with paranoid fantasies about a poor sickly woman at work that he has been mentoring.... Is that within his character given what you know of him, and particularly given the gaslighting he just turned loose on you?
Maybe it is time to enlist your sisters and make sure they are on board and come up with a plan together this week? Going away with your mum this coming weekend would be escaping from the initial fray and giving her a break in dealing with her betrayer for a few days.
[This message edited by Odonna at 4:15 PM, May 6th (Monday)]
Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 12:40 PM on Tuesday, May 7th, 2019
I doubt he'll say anything to my mum, as she'd then ask questions of her own ie but why would she think that? Etc.
I think the best person to speak to is my uncle, my mums brother, he has always been the central member of our family, apart from my gran. My mum confides in my uncles wife about alot, and she knows how bad my mum is too. I am close to them both, as are my mum and dad. If i speak to my uncle, he may be able to do what i'm struggling to do :(
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 12:52 PM on Tuesday, May 7th, 2019
Good morning and good luck with your plan. Just keep moving forward in the knowledge that your mum does not deserve this no matter what her own problems are. And do find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. You will be so relieved for that wonderful help.
Questioningall ( member #43959) posted at 5:52 PM on Tuesday, May 7th, 2019
If i speak to my uncle, he may be able to do what i'm struggling to do
Which is what? Tell your mother? Stop the affair and make your father behave? Make everything all right? If your uncle tells you to keep quiet and do nothing, will you keep your father’s secret, even if nothing changes? You need to tell your mother. You can’t control either of your parents (and neither can your uncle.) However, you can provide your mother with the truth. It won’t be pleasant for either of you, but doesn’t your mother deserve to know? Preferably from someone with firsthand knowledge, not from someone who heard it from someone.
Him-WS 57 Sorrowfulmate
Married 30 years, 5 kids
Dday #1 12/12 He made up a ONS
Dday #2. 3/14 EAs, 3 ONS, 2 LTA
Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.
MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 8:20 PM on Tuesday, May 7th, 2019
How are you doing otherwise? Make sure to take care of yourself too!
I'm glad you are going to tell someone you feel close to and trust them to help you out.
It is going to be very rough for you, but you have inner strength that will help your Mum. Since you have been through it, you understand all the phases she will be experiencing.
BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me
Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 8:30 AM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2019
I believe, telling my uncle will go one of two ways, he'll approach my dad and have a man to man conversation with him and either stop the affair or talk my dad into telling my mum. OR he'll come with me to tell my mum, my uncle sees me as a daughter, because of the close family we are and would want to help me. I've tried telling my mum before, but couldn't. I still have this few days away with her coming up so I will talk to her about her marriage and if i feel i can discuss with her then i will - although i feel she may take it out on me and disown me, as will my dad for telling, but i know that's my 'worse case scenario' thought path.
I'm done with my dad now, in the office yesterday it was all just business talk. But he was very 'slamming things down on the desk' all day. I will only be in the office if i need to be and will continue to build my business away from him, and look for work elsewhere.
My mental health is not good, I keep having dreams about my ex and his cheating. I'm having thoughts of 'it'd be better if i was out of the picture then no one needs to feel the pain im feeling'. My depression is rearing its ugly head which it hasn't for a year or 2 now. I'm not eating or sleeping properly, and my chest is in constant pain.
Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 11:45 AM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2019
Bluebox you tried it your way first and it didn't work, pretty much the unanimous consensus of SI is to tell your mom yourself, but of course it's still your decision, now you're saying you are going to talk to your uncle hoping he will tell your dad to stop the A and/or confess (which most likely won't work) or that he will tell your mom, of course your mom will then ask how your uncle found out about it and if he's honest he will tell your mom that you told him and have known about it for a while, my suggestion is that you tell your uncle the truth and ask him to come with you and tell your mom, however if he refuses, you need to tell your mom yourself and let her make an informed decision about her life, good luck.
Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 12:00 PM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2019
Yes, that's what i mean, my uncle would come with me to tell my mum, if he refuses which i don't see happening, then atleast he's ready to help my mum in the fall out, knowing the details so she doesn't have to do the painful bit and explain to him herself.
I haven't known for a while, i've suspected for about a month, but only had it confirmed a couple weeks. I tried to tell my mum. Each day is a blur and i'm trying to keep my head above water, i still have alot of work deadlines i am trying to keep for customers.
My world is crumbling around me and I apologise i can't just walk up to my mum and destroy her world too. I've said i'm going to speak to her this weekend and I will. Until i know how that conversation goes i don't know what the next thing to happen will be.
Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 12:57 PM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2019
You mother has cancer, but she doesn't know it yet.
You found out because you caught your father hiding the medical records of your mother's cancer.
The longer you wait to tell her, the more the cancer will spread and become worse.
Therefore, it beggars the imagination why you have consistently failed to do the one thing that could give your mother the opportunity to take steps to start curing her cancer.
"The wicked man flees when no one chases."
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 2:21 PM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2019
Blue, one thing I have seen happen here is that posters can get badgered by well-meaning folks who think they should take a different action than they have chosen. Do not let that get to you. You know your non-confrontational personality, your mum’s fragility, your sister’s rigidity and your uncles’s strength, and only you can decide what is best in this situation. It is clear that you are not going to tolerate continuing infidelity by your dad, and that really is the bottom line. You have a plan, and even if others would do differently, this is your life and your family. I am so glad you have your uncle to help you in this!
nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 3:16 PM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2019
Bluebox, I think that enlisting your uncle to help your tell your mom is a great idea. Having your uncle go talk to your dad and do the same thing that you tried to do is a terrible idea because it will end the exact same way and cause even more of a delay and uncertainty. Your dad may even convince your uncle that you're over exaggerating cause you to lose him as an ally in this. Don't give him yet another chance to disappoint you because he has made it clear he's not going to stop the A and he's not going to out himself to your mom. Listen to him.
I've been wondering this but have you ever sat down and had an honest talk with your sisters about your mother's condition? About the alcoholism? About her being suicidal? I'm very concerned that even outside of all this stress, your mother has been struggling for a long time and hasn't been getting help. No matter how this goes, you really should come up with a safety plan with your sisters for her and what will done if she attempts suicide or when she experiences health breakdowns from her alcoholism. I have dealt with alcoholic family members before who are worse off than your mom sounds like she is and I don't think you are prepared for what's to come.
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 5:45 PM on Thursday, May 9th, 2019
Blue, how have the last 24 hours gone? I do hope you have had a chance to talk to your uncle. Having an ally with power in the family will be such a relief.
Thinking of you!
1Faith ( member #38975) posted at 6:38 PM on Thursday, May 9th, 2019
i can't just walk up to my mum and destroy her world too
^^^I understand your conflict but remember YOU are not destroying her world your wayward dad is.
Hoping your uncle provides you the support you need.
Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for
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