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Recently found out my dad might be cheating, what do i do?

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Odonna posted 10/20/2019 04:19 AM

Good morning! How are you doing?

Bluebox posted 10/20/2019 06:54 AM

Anxiety still sky high, not wanting to leave the house, but then again too busy trying to build my new business up to leave the house anyway lol.

I dropped it all at his house Friday, my mum let him know I had, and just said I had written a heart felt letter with it so please have a proper read... whether he did or not I don't know as I haven't heard a dicky bird. To be fair though i kinda don't want to as i want this to now just be between mum and dad and remove myself from the middle of it all!

Although, because I haven't heard anything I'm super anxious about seeing him in work tomorrow!!

20yrsagoBS posted 10/20/2019 08:49 AM

Oh BB!

I have just read your postings and am horrified at what you are going through!


Shame on your father!

(((Hugs))) You’re a wonderful daughter!

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 8:49 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]

Bluebox posted 10/23/2019 11:59 AM

Went okay with my dad Monday, didn't discuss much as he was seeing my mum the next day and wanted to speak to her first... But guess what... He didn't have an affair! because the "didn't have sex" he told her he loved her because "she was dying in hospital"

He's annoyed at me for spying, i've broken his trust and thinks it will be hard to get back. I said I have nothing else to look at and stopped as soon as I knew the truth for certain anyway.

He asked if i achieved what i wanted from all the snooping :/ well no, i wanted you to stop cheating on my mum... of course i didn't want to break up our family!

Says OW is important for the business going forward so like it or lump it :( She is his very good friend and colleague thats all... Says I have friends he doesnt like (I have about 3 friends and my boyfriend) so i know he means my partner all because he stuck up for me!!

He said he's no longer alone like he has been for years!

But nope not an affair, silly me...

Odonna posted 10/23/2019 14:00 PM

When you want to be with someone other than your spouse -- when you text with them all day long -- when you accept steamy sexts and novels -- when you stay all night with them -- when you say you love them -- when you won't break contact and "need" them even when your BS leaves you ...... Well, that IS an affair! Classic EA which hurts no less than penetrative or oral sex. Tons of WSs on SI who are in that painful spot.

His semantic wordplay just reinforces that the respect he has lost in your family is deserved.

I am so very sorry for you, Dear. Stay strong!

MamaDragon posted 10/23/2019 14:29 PM

Anytime you give another person your attention like he did to this AP while ignoring your spouse and family is cheating.

You didn't do anything wrong, he did - and he has to live with his lies and deceptions. One day he might pull his head out of the fog and hopefully it won't be to late.

Some WS's just cannot admit they were wrong...hopefully he will stop seeing her and mend fences with your family -

Odonna posted 10/26/2019 05:14 AM

How did the encounter between your parents go? Are your dad’s lies getting any traction with your mum? I can just picture all the gaslighting she was certainly subjected to. It seems like he will never give up his lie that this was all innocent....

Bluebox posted 10/26/2019 05:33 AM

Hey Odonna, this bit - But guess what... He didn't have an affair! because the "didn't have sex" he told her he loved her because "she was dying in hospital"
That was what he said to my mum. She lasted 12 minutes with him before she walked out as knew there was no use even trying to talk to him. He messaged me as soon as she left and said he tried but she wouldn't listen. But no wonder! He's in complete denial hes had an affair.
I was supposed to go into the office on Friday but didn't because he annoyed me, hes told people i'm stealing work from him... Yet there was a post on FB looking for someone to price up work we both do, we were both tagged by different people,(him the OW, me by her ex friend who introduced her to my dad) then he tagged himself also! No need, but put 'With years of experience' - he's been doing it longer than me, but i've still been doing it 18yrs or so! So whos competing with who!! I was then tagged by my bf and an ex customer of my dads, now my customer by her choice because he wasn't very nice to her a few months ago.
I then feel bad he only gets tagged once and i get tagged 4 times! :/
I am working on my new business, but obviously it'll take a while to grow to being able to leave the job I do with my dad.

Doctors put me on Antidepressants/anxiety tablets this week. I just couldn't cope much more without some helping hand.

Odonna posted 10/27/2019 17:28 PM

I am very glad you consulted with your doctor and are dealing with the anxiety and depression. You take care of you right now!

How is your mum in all this? Way back when you worried she could not cope with this and might even become suicidal. Then she came out a trooper and drew her line in the sand and left when he would not admit what he did. I was impressed. But this has to be taking quite a toll on her. What is the situation with her drinking? How are your sisters doing in all this mess?

Thinking of you, as I often do.

[This message edited by Odonna at 2:52 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Bluebox posted 10/30/2019 10:31 AM

My mum has had some very low days understandably, and she is turning to her wine for comfort, but she has now started going to an IC and does want to do something about her drinking and her weight. She is also going to seek advise from a solicitor.

My older sister still hasn't spoke to him, nor will she, and hes said he won't try again with her now either, it has to come from her.

My younger sister is more on my page, as in shes still trying to maintain a relationship with him, but he doesn't seem to be making much effort to be honest.

I was supposed to go to the office this evening for a business meeting, but he has said OW will be there for some of it. So i've told him I ain't coming then as don't want to see her. He just replied with - Okay.

I am struggling financially at the moment as his work was my main source of income, but now I can't bare being in the office so i avoid it as much as I can, so my wages are about half of what they were :(

Odonna posted 11/12/2019 15:20 PM

I am glad you drew boundaries with your dad over OW; you have that right.

How are you doing? Is the medication helping? Has your mum taken first steps toward sobriety? Are your sisters supporting YOU?

Bluebox posted 11/12/2019 16:22 PM

Hi Odonna, coincidence that you've just posted, things had been plodding on, getting back to I guess what is now the new normal. OW is still around, and more often now but I'm away from the office more often than not now so I haven't yet bumped into her properly.
I've just had a message off my mum saying my dad and my uncle who shes living with have had a text conversation the got really heated. That my dad got nasty with my uncle and even accused him of having an affair recently. And said hes not going to give my mum any financial help because she was the one who left him :/

Odonna posted 11/12/2019 18:32 PM

My best advice to you and your family is not to get into arguments in text. Yes, there is a record of what was said, but people seem to have looser boundaries in text than they do talking, and everyone can contribute to escalation and things said that cannot be unsaid. Just say “we should talk later” and if your dad escalates there will be a written record but the rest of you won’t have anything to regret.

nekonamida posted 11/13/2019 08:58 AM

That my dad got nasty with my uncle and even accused him of having an affair recently. And said hes not going to give my mum any financial help because she was the one who left him :/

You mom needs to see a solicitor ASAP. He doesn't get to just skip out on his responsibilities. How is she going to afford to live without his support?

Odonna posted 12/16/2019 14:05 PM

How are you doing Sweet Blue? I imagine the holidays will be something of a mess this year.... Any chance of your dad waking up and admitting the grave harm he causes to his entire family?

Bluebox posted 12/16/2019 15:14 PM

Hey Odonna, hey everyone, my dad is still denying it all :/ full on claims they're just friends... Although i saw a Christmas card on his desk this week addressed to him and OW

My mum has been to a solicitor, who said she's unlikely to win a divorce case on infidelity as she doesn't have solid proof they had sex... which obviously put me in an awful position as i have his confession as a secret recording that no one knows about :( However the divorce lawyer said she has a good case to divorce due to his behavior anyway. But if the case isn't strong enough i'm going to be in the position where i have to pick a side.

My dad has booked a week away over Christmas, saying its better for everyone if he takes himself away this year to make it easier... thing is i think it means he's going to miss his own dads memorial meal my grandma and all her children have every year in memory of my grandad. My mums going, but looks like he wont be there.

My mum has closed an account he had happened in her name for a part of his business, he was nasty about it to her but then to me he was like 'oh your mum has closed that bank account, i was going to use that to pay her a salary so she had some money coming in' yeah right dad...

Another blow for the family though, my cousin (daughter of the aunt and uncle where my mum is now living) has discovered her husband (of 2 years) has had an affair :( my mum told me as said she has to move out now and into my grandmas as my cousin is coming home. I messaged my cousin giving my condolences and offering any help and well apparently i wasn't supposed to do that and it caused a huge argument :( my mum is still shaken at how my auntie spoke to her and I am still upset i caused this grievance. My cousin decided she wasn't going to come home because of my text, so my mums still been living there, however my cousin is coming home for Christmas for a few weeks so my mum has to stay with my grandma for that time. She's very unsettled at the moment, and very low, and i feel responsible :( and powerless to help. We are wondering though if it could be because shes got her first official meeting in January to start divorce proceedings, and she thinks, so does my older sister, my dad is going to fight it every step of the way and turn nasty!

MamaDragon posted 12/17/2019 09:02 AM

Give the recording to your Mum. She deserves to have it - because otherwise your Dad and his OW will screw her out of what she deserves.

I'm sorry to say it like that, every little girl wants her Dad to be upstanding but your dad...well he is in a fog with a viper of an AP.

I know you don't want to take sides but in this case...you are going to have to do it.

He is not going to give up his AP, he is not going to change - sad to say - unless the rug is snatched out from under him.

Odonna posted 12/17/2019 10:00 AM

I agree with Mamadragon. Get yourself out of the middle and give your mom the recording so that she can get the best legal advice she needs. Let her take back control of her own life. She will know you just wanted to protect her by withholding it to this point, but if you don’t turn it over now that will be harder and harder to defend. She needs to make very important legal decisions now; she needs the facts of her own life to do so.

Bluebox posted 1/8/2020 08:37 AM

Happy New Year everyone, sorry i didn't respond to the messages before Christmas, it was a very very busy month for me with limited time available.

My mum has her appointment at the solicitors on Monday, my sister is going with her. My sister knows about the recording and i've said to her if it comes apparent it will help mums case then tell them about it. But i don't believe it will help any, as i have been told by people who have been through divorces that they don't really care about infidelity :/ and that without a recording of them actually having sex, its not actual proof as he could've been 'lying'.

My mum has been made to feel very uncomfortable at my uncles :'( so now me, my sisters and my mum are trying to see what help she can get from the government to get her own place. But it's not looking promising :( She's stayed at my Grandmas over Christmas as they wanted their family time, and my uncles had a word with my mum saying the children don't feel like they can relax with my mum there. I'm worried its got something to do with me messaging my cousin :(

More and more of my dads business associates are coming to me for work instead of him, and each time they do i feel bad towards him. I feel i'm stealing his livelyhood, but then i'm desperate for the cash as he's not been giving me as much work.

I'm struggling at the moment, I want my mum to get as much help as possible especially with whats gone on, but even more so now with the house situation.

I am really struggling for money now so feel useless to help :( It's all just such a mess :(

Odonna posted 1/8/2020 12:48 PM

Well, I am glad you are still coming here for support!

Is there any training you can get (maybe gov't sponsored) that will help you earn more money or get a part-time job to supplement what your business brings in? Having something to study and skills to build will help you emotionally too.

I am glad your mum has your uncle and grandmother to help her even for awhile, and I hope everyone involved keeps in mind that ALL families have drama at times, but the love prevails in the end. Work toward that horizon.

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