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Long Term Affairs Part 39

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ShatteredSakura posted 2/3/2020 10:18 AM

I see ferrero rocher everywhere in stores where I live, including the heart shape container. The Costco where I tend to do a lot of shopping has a big box container for sale that we'd sometimes get (sometimes really being often...it was funny to watch her hem and haw...should I? Should I not and go on a diet? Extra funny knowing the context that she's this little tiny petite woman holding this big box of chocolates)

Truth be told I like them too. Before I met her I may not have gotten them with any frequency though.

As for the quote, thats a good corollary. I think the context is intended to be you're single and fall in love. We certainly don't mean falling in love while not single, but if we don't expressly say that, I'm sure there are WS who would take advantage of the definition!

It's okay to find other people attractive, I certainly do...I'm not dead. But if I saw a woman who was attractive, my mind most of the time would go to WW and how I wanted *her*.

Ironically WW was the super jealous type and was very insecure if she thought I found another woman attractive. And she had no qualms expressing that insecurity even when actively cheating on me.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 10:23 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/3/2020 10:29 AM

Reading that quote makes me wonder if he was ever in love with me. I think she was always the one that got away, until she reappeared on FB. He never even mentioned her when we were dating, but I knew all about his ex wife, and ex live in gf. Never one word of her.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/3/2020 10:56 AM

Me too. All her expressions of love ended up meaning nothing because deep down she still held a torch for her ex. Those actions speak louder.

She still tries to say "I wanted things to work out" and so on. But unlike you getting blindsided, I had her ex looming from the beginning because she refused to give him up as a friend. If she truly wanted us to work out, she wouldn't have fought me at every turn when I objected over her friendship with her ex and all the red flags with their interactions over the years.

It was like watching a slomo train crash, and my worst fears came true. I don't know which is worse, that or it coming from no where and getting blindsided.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 10:57 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/3/2020 11:26 AM

I think its the same, whether you are blind sided or its the slomo, we ended up in the same place.

I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but when they first reconnected on facebook, I became friends with her. And she then hooked up with him at a reunion, while pretending to be MY friend too. Who does something like that???

ShatteredSakura posted 2/3/2020 11:51 AM

A sick, evil person. That's who.

I don't shy away from saying the e-word (I once had a debate with WW about evil, she thought it was too strong of a word and true evil doesn't exist...kinda ironic in retrospect). But it's not mustache twirling evil...we each have the ability to do evil things to each other (and ourselves) and a good way to live life is to control those darker tendencies. While we can atone, forgive, be forgiven, move past, etc none of that means we shouldn't call the act for what it is.

And yeah its probably the same slomo or blindsided. I wonder though if I'd be in a better state if it was like a bandaid getting ripped off though. I feel utterly defeated as a person and a man. But on the other hand, the blindside will have me questioning every thing anyways. I hope I never have to experience the other to form a basis of comparison!

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/3/2020 12:36 PM

She is evil and twisted. There is something wrong with both of them.

They must still be fighting. he went on a long hike yesterday, by himself. He hasn't done that in years. He's paying the price today LOL.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/3/2020 13:01 PM

Oh god, a thread title in the wayward forum caught my eye while looking at the forum list and I clicked on it. I wish I didn't, some of it reminded me of WW's reluctance with giving up AP (e.g. fear of losing both, AP acting like an entitled, crazy, douche that doesn't respect relationships, getting caught up in the "romance" of it all)

Hopefully he'll reflect on things on his solo hike.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/3/2020 13:10 PM

I don't think he's capable of reflection. He's only capable of meeting his won needs.

I have to stay away from the wayward forum. I've heard all the rationalizations I need.

I know its crazy, but I do hope that she dumps him again, and we can work on our lives again. We have so much invested in our lives together. I can;t even imagine starting over.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/3/2020 14:06 PM

I know. I hate "starting over" for literally anything. I'm a perfectionist and I like to see a job through. But that's also my biggest weakness because I have a hard time letting go and probably is the character flaw that enabled me to stay for the last two years.

The biggest problem with the AP dumping our WS' is that means we're #2. They didn't choose us, someone else made that decision for them. How can someone work on their life with their BS when they didn't even make that decision?

I definitely wanted the AP to tell WW no more and leave our lives, but I know I would have been dismayed that it was his choice and not hers. I'm sure I would have had a lot of resentment over that.

One of WW's friends even told her that on many occasions, that it's almost like she was waiting for AP or me to make the decision for her, for one of us to leave and she stays with whoever stays.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 2:07 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/3/2020 14:21 PM

I do struggle with the #2 concept. But he chose me before, and I keep hoping he does it again. He hasn't not chosen me, if that makes any sense. We are still together.

I think he likes having both of us, and until one of us gives up, he will keep it that way.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/3/2020 14:40 PM

It makes sense. I mean for any LTA, they still are "choosing us" to a certain degree by definition. But like I said, a lot of that might not be an actual decision they are making but rather what is most comfortable/least destructive *to them* right now. Choosing to kick the can down the road and keep status quo isn't really deciding anything. And it sure as hell very destructive *to us* with them "choosing us".

I hoped like what you hope...but circumstances are different now. He chose you back when the woman he had a previous history with wasn't on the table anymore. Pandora's box is opened and I don't think there's any going back...sure she can dump him and he gets to choose you all over again, but it's not going to be the same. And what if she pops up again in the future? Or worse, he likes "having both of you" and finds another woman like the current AP to fill her role. IMO if he isn't moving mountains right now, you're setting yourself up for a lot of future heartache.

I want to say for my WW that her behavior is directly tied to their past together before we met, and I'm not entirely sure she would have done what she did with someone she had no history with. But she's shown me I don't know what she's capable of, so god knows what she would do ten years from now.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 2:41 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/3/2020 15:05 PM

Part of my problem (and I know this is shallow and gonna sound materialistic), but I love my home. Its 100% his, he bought it with cash before we met, but I have been there through major construction and renovation! Its my freaking home. And no way, even if we were married, would he ever give it up. That part just pisses me off!

ShatteredSakura posted 2/3/2020 15:57 PM

I think it's very understandable not wanting to give that up.

It's your home, where you spend a significant chunk of your time. It's your refuge from the world, where you feel safe and can relax. You don't want anyone, even the OW, taking that away from you.

My home is very important to me too, although we rented - I had some priorities in the place we picked, while she was okay with living in what I would call "a dump" e.g. she didn't care about space, she didn't care about the kitchen - she wanted cheap - while I'm used to space, I'm the one who does all the cooking, etc.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 3:58 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/4/2020 08:34 AM

I love my kitchen! Its big and open. I'm not much of a cook but I still love the space and the view.

I spoke a lawyer a few years ago, no way would I have any chance of keeping the house and making him move. I wouldn't be able to afford it anyway, even if I could get him out.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/4/2020 08:53 AM

IMO, given the context, it isn't right to force him out either, despite what he did (it's sad how many men are forced out and they aren't even the one who cheated). At least it sounds like you both have one thing in common...you love your home.

WW has an uncle that divorced his wife and they still live together, as single people in the same house. I think it was a similar situation, neither wanted to move.

I despair looking at some of these rental listings because of how small and shoddy the kitchens are for the price they're asking. Seriously, a price only a few hundred less and the kitchen literally has the counter space as that of a bathroom vanity! I like having a lot of counter space with a center isle.

I can afford to stay but it's going to impact how much I can save. WW and I split things equally and together had a lot of savings and investments. I won't lie that I do feel a bit more vulnerable financially though.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 9:11 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/4/2020 09:20 AM

No, I agree Shattered. Its more his home than mine. he bought it for the location, and has done massive amounts of renovation to it, by himself. The woodwork he has done is amazing and absolutely beautiful. When I think about living in a cold condo, its sad.

But then I think about the fact that I am 99% sure he had her stay here at least once, and that does change things.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/4/2020 11:10 AM

The woodwork he has done is amazing and absolutely beautiful. When I think about living in a cold condo, its sad.

I hear ya. The place we rented (a condo) is a lot nicer than most. The main reason why we chose it is because it's minutes from a train station as she doesn't drive. I'd rather be in a cottage in the middle of the woods though (or my parent's house, which is a large house in the woods...but I wouldn't want to live in such a large house by myself...)

But then I think about the fact that I am 99% sure he had her stay here at least once, and that does change things.

There's no easy answer to this. If you're steadfast on living in your house, there are no consequences to him breaking the rule of OW isn't allowed. I wouldn't want my dream house polluted by OM's foulness. I don't even want my current place polluted by that.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/4/2020 12:12 PM

He's built a bigger house than the 2 of us need, but I guess its good so we can avoid each other...He doesn't like overnight guests either. Or really any guests.

I'll stay with him until I can;t stay with him. I know that sounds so dumb, but its all I have.

northeasternarea posted 2/4/2020 17:26 PM

WhyAgainWhyHer, how do you deal with waiting for the other shoe to drop.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/5/2020 08:25 AM

Its been this way for so long, its almost the norm. I just do my thing, and leave him to do his. Most of the time we get along and live ok together.

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