I was just about to quote your post doesitgetbetter, but found that most if it has been deleted.
But of what is left here:
I think my entire point, and the main thing that has been missed in all of this, is that there are BS’s here who are full of compassion and they should not feel ashamed to be such.
You are absolutely right! I'm truly sorry if anything I have ever said has been perceived as shaming those who show compassion for their WSs, SA or otherwise.
This is why I stay away from the CoDA meetings, because after them, I felt ashamed for caring. My view on relationships was that each partner should be willing to do whatever they can for their spouse, even if that means sacrificing sometimes. I'm told over and over again that that view is incredibly codependent and unhealthy, and yet I still believe it. I was taught that we should care about people. I doubt that instinct will ever go away for me.
Maybe it's that I have so many addicts in my family (substance, not sex) that I know would not still be with us if I and other family members had not stepped in to help. And I do feel badly for the spouses of SAs, because their addiction is often thrown around as an insult, and then the person with the addiction is dismissed as a pervert or someone not worth talking to, let alone having a relationship with. Hell, my JFO post only had one or two people actually commenting with advice, most came in to drop one line such as "He sounds totally perverted, a total SA, RUN!" or "Why in the hell are you with this person, get out of there!"
In no way am I trying to convince anyone to leave their SAWS, that is their choice. I mean it when I say that I literally would never have left if he hadn't forced my hand, I loved him that much. And I know that all of these women (and men) who stay, are just as compassionate and loving.
It takes a lot of understanding to stay and try to convince someone to be open and vulnerable with you, admitting to these acts that they themselves find shameful, when they have hurt you so much. It's the reason I bought the lace - to show him that there is nothing to be ashamed of, and we could talk about it openly. Same reason I washed them for him - to show him that despite being shocked by it, I was not going to shame him for it, instead I would rather him be open with me. I tried and tried and tried to get him to talk about his childhood traumas, of which there are many, but that was next to impossible.
Now, had I done more in depth research on SA, I would have known that encouraging these behaviors using other outlets (i.e. not my underwear, but something else) was not going to help. I would have insisted on counseling, on SA meetings, on true sobriety. But I did what I could with the knowledge I had at the time, and I felt I was being as understanding as possible given the circumstances I was in. Each of our circumstances are different, therefore we will each respond differently.
It's easy for me to sound bitter now, considering that he left for the OW. I know that comes across in my posts. But I will never, ever judge someone for being caring enough to take this journey with an SA spouse. I did it for years. And I still find myself going back and trying to think of how I could have handled it better, so that maybe we could have had a different outcome. I know that's where my bitterness comes from - that I felt I didn't handle it well enough, that I wasn't good enough, even after all of the effort I put in. And that's why it comes out in contempt for the SA spouse - I'm being told by IC that I need to redirect my anger at him and stop pointing it at myself.
You are all kind, loving, compassionate people, and there is nothing wrong with that. Just please make sure to direct that same kindness, love and compassion towards yourselves too. You deserve that.