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WS here, ready to do the work on myself...

SelfishCheater posted 12/11/2018 16:01 PM

Hello All

I am sure this has been asked many times in previous posts but for times sake, can I please get a recommendation on a book for myself?

I have read so many great posts over the months by WS and BS about the reasons why people cheat.. i.e. the WS being broken due to dysfunctional and abusive childhood, self-serving personality traits, and oblivious to the world past our own noses. Everything they have posted really speak to me but I would like to read more.

I am sick of these habits ruining my life (and my dear BS) and am ready to take control. I need to understand myself and how to recognize and correct these traits moving forward in all aspects of my life.

IC is not an option for us so I was hoping there were books I could read on my own?

I am also currently reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" but this is the only book I have bought so far.

Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated.

Many Blessings

annb posted 12/12/2018 18:24 PM

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Probably the best book out there.

DarkHoleHeart posted 12/13/2018 02:14 AM

Not Just Friends is a good book, but it is not exactly about how to deal with FOO issues.

sewardak posted 12/13/2018 11:47 AM

i think it depends on your issues. were you abandoned in youth?
journey from abandonment to healing is good.

SelfishCheater posted 12/13/2018 13:50 PM

Parents had us three children straight out of highschool. Mother is a sociopath that physically abused us to the point of urinary incontinence. Her solution to that was to ask us to use the restroom before she punished us. Our father stuck his head in the sand and did not control her. Father ran out when we were toddlers and had an affair with another woman. Mother accepted him back but ended up cheating on him back when we were in highschool and then left him.

I do not want to blame anyone for the way I am. I just want to understand and recognize my weakness and become stronger for them.

Thank you for these 2 suggestions. I will definitely give them a read.

FEEL posted 12/13/2018 22:51 PM

Good on you for wanting to do some reading. Everyone's situation and background is different and some of us are BS and some of us are BS. I am a BS, but along the way I have found some good reads that I think are good regardless of BS or WS. A couple of them were already mentioned. Others I found helpful are:

5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman. He also has a book on apology languages that I thought was very good.

Dr. Willard F. Harvey also has several books and workbooks. Not just about infidelity but marriage in general which I thought was very helpful along with many other articles and resources.

foreverlabeled posted 12/14/2018 17:05 PM

One read I got a lot out of was "codependent no more: how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself"" by Melody Beattie, of course this was in hopes to shed my codependency and it certainly helped, but there is a lot in there about self-love and self-worth. Here's a couple quotes from the book,

“Many codependents, at some time in their lives, were true victims—of someone’s abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, or any number of situations that can victimize people. We were, at some time, truly helpless to protect ourselves or solve our problems. Something came our way, something we didn’t ask for, and it hurt us terribly. That is sad, truly sad. But an even sadder fact is that many of us codependents began to see ourselves as victims. Our painful history repeats itself."

“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. —AGNES REPPLIER, The Treasure Chest”

Maybe you could branch out some after finishing "hthyshfya" and "not just friends". It's great to know how to handle our BSs hurt and healing, but we have a lot of healing to do of our own.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 5:06 PM, December 14th (Friday)]

onlytime posted 12/18/2018 19:19 PM

There is a great list of books that has been compiled over the years in the Wayward forum. Here is the link for that.


I have also compiled my own list of books, videos, and websites - you can find those in my profile.

foreverlabeled posted 12/19/2018 15:57 PM

OMG onlytime!!! I've been thinking about that thread since I posted here. Thank you! I am going to go bump it now.

never mind

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 3:58 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)]

onlytime posted 12/24/2018 06:48 AM

OMG onlytime!!! I've been thinking about that thread since I posted here. Thank you! I am going to go bump it now.

never mind 

I have asked wh5 to give it a bump so it can be reopened and hopefully added to There are so many really great books in that list!!

SelfishCheater posted 12/26/2018 13:56 PM

Thank you! I appreciate the bump!

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