SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

on't give a &*^% about the OM. I only care about my BH.

WS here. You didn't care about your H when you had a second affair. And you have to understand why he doesn't believe for a second you did.

He gave you a gift forgiving you first time. do you have any idea WHY you cheated to begin with and why you did it again. All those things you are doing are fine and dandy but they won't give him the peace of mind you won't do it again bc he believed you once. And you did.

My BH is here in the house for the time being, but I feel like he has already written me off (will not wear his rings, will not let me touch him, says he hates me, says I disgust him) and keeps asking me to address issues in our marriage, though I keep telling him this is not the time (damned if I do/damned if I don't kind of situation...says if I don't discuss the issues, I'm hiding things, but if I do, I'm shifting blame). The only person to blame here is myself, and I can't lose him.

Why won't you discuss the issues at any time he asks. You putting him off is not the right course of action IMHO of course he thinks you are hiding things. and if he thinks you are shifting blame then I wonder if maybe you are. BC you mention shifting blame then you say the blame is all yours.

I am asking for ANY advice on further steps I can take to help him in his pain and steps I can take to change myself and show him I am changing. I am near the point of losing it completely, and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I will die without my BH (and yes, I should have thought about that before), and I am not going to quit, but I need some help. Thank you.

honestly you need to give him all your PWs

You need to find the WHY

why you did it. AGAIN

you need to continue in IC

you need to discuss this when he asks. You don't get to set the tempo. The fact that he hasn't run yet is telling me he loves you and wants it to work.

I wish you all the best of luck in this. I understand that we are broken when we cheat. But you need to find out all the underlying issues what it is that you needed. Why you would risk this again. I think doing that will only be positive for both of you.

I have questions for you.

1. Are you attracted to your husband? Going through your post, you stated that you were not attracted to him. Not like you were to AP1. Is this still the case?

2. Is AP2 in the same physical attraction category as AP1?

3. You have always said that your husband was a good man. Is that not enough for you?

4. Why do you want to stay married to your husband? Is it love? Companionship? Best friends? Compatibility? Financially sound? Keeping the family together? Why do you want him?

5. How do you see your husband? What is your view of him? Do you respect him as a man? A father? A lover?

Now turn these questions back on you minus questions 1 and 2.

1. As of now does your husband see you as a good wife?

2. Why would he want to stay married to you? Love? Companionship? Best Friends? Compatibility? Financially sound? Keeping the family together? Why would he want you?

3. As of now, how does your husband see you? what is his view of you? Does he respect you as his wife? Mother? Lover?

I know you have probably answered this elsewhere however can you tell me what you did to work on yourself after the first adultery?

You said the second was short; you knew it was wrong. Is that realization what made you end it?

Any similarities between the first and second A?

What were you telling yourself going into the second affair in order to justify it in your own mind? I mean you were well aware of the previous consequences to your husband,as well as all of the things that you personally experienced.

Having read some of your prior posts,do you think that maybe you ended up in a type of limbo as opposed to a true reconciliation attempt? I ask that because this second infidelity is so destructive,but it's definitely a way to end what can be a painful and highly stressful limbo existence.

You'll have to reformat your hard drive or the virus in you will continue to decimate your computer (husband). Using that same analogy, you're currently using cheap virus protection and spyware that's not updated and isn't even setup for regularly scheduled virus scans. Hence, the infestation of viruses and adware has rendered your PC useless. Only a disk reformatting or a new PC can help you at this stage.

Your love of your husband hasn't altered your behavior so not only does he need your love, but also your mercy and your grace. Full reconstructive heart surgery and replacement needed here. His pain makes him incapable of helping himself, so again his emotional health is in your hands until he's able to regain himself and see clearly. Until then, he's at your complete mercy which you've demonstrated can be dangerous for him.

If you love him,consider removing yourself entirely if you can't remove the infidelity that captivates you. Have the grace to protect those that can't protect themselves. He's owed that don't you think considering the risk he assumed staying with you after AP1? Spare him further trauma.

Here's a somewhat unconventional method of strengthening your boundaries. Should a handsome man come on to you, ask for a moment, walk away and whip out a picture of your three kids and your husband to remind you of your gift of family. This might excuse you from his presence and head home so that the five of you can watch a netflix movie while eating popcorn versus you and the kids wishing your husband was present, but isn't because divorce has precipitated a 50/50 split. Your marriage and family somehow needs to mean more to you, or at least enough to never put yourself in that position.

After reviewing your original post from 2015, I'm editing this one. If this AP, like your first one was largely based on physical attraction while still not being attracted to your husband, then you have quite a challenge and some hard decisions to make. Not being attracted to your husband and being attracted to other men may not be enough to fundamentally change anything so despite counseling and the pain felt by your husband, the want for something attractive might find you back her in 2020. Something has to give.

I used the word "want" as opposed to "need". People sometimes confuse the two or say they need something when in fact they really want something. The distinction is an important one in my opinion. If it's a want, you can in time reduce it's importance and recognize it for what it is, a desire which can be managed. I want a Range Rover, but I will be very happy with my Hundai Santa Fe. If I needed a Range Rover to complete my life and be happy, then that will mean paying a much higher price for transportation and busting the budget, which in effect may compromise spending towards prioritized items like my son's private school education, having a one week vacation instead of two weeks, etc. When what should be a want becomes a need, then issues abound. If you need to be attracted to your husband to stay loyal to him, then you seriously have to ask yourself if it's fair to you or him to stay married. He is who he is. He's either good enough for you to be loyal or he isn't. There's not in between or 95%. Have to be real and honest here for all involved. Kids too.

Question: Is this your 2nd affair or just the 2nd time you've been caught? Was AP 2 a one night stand, couple night stands or a FWB?

Lastly, WTF were/are you thinking? W T F R U THINKING? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER FOR HIM AND YOUR KIDS. Please.

[This message edited by Jorge at 1:44 AM, January 25th (Thursday)]

I am asking for advice on how to help my BH and how to change. He is offering me a tiny chance, and I am committed to working on it for him, for our children, and for our future. If he is offering me the chance, no matter how small, I am going to work on it. I am wrong. I am terrible. I know this. I will not stop trying to fix this if he is offering me even the tiniest chance.

What is different this time? I know I was wrong immediately. I am not trying to blame outstanding issues. I am seeking help to stop. And even if my marriage dissolves, I want to be "right" for myself and for everyone in my life.

I am heartbroken at what I've done to my BH. I am looking for support and help. Direct questions, hard questions are helpful...attacks on me are not. I am not going to give up and let my BH go when he is offering me this chance. I won't give up.

I would read about 20 times what has been posted.

Then, next day, read another 20 times.

You have two problems: YOU are defective - you can't resist temptation and decipher the difference between betrayal and loyalty.

Next? this will take years to fix if you stay together - no shortcuts - you will have to think about every detail of your actions he sees and show you are changed and sincere

If you choose not to fix your ability to see the difference, ditch hubby.

If you want to keep him - fix your behavior -

learn what loyalty is as in what you DO!

Show him with your actions and this is a LOOOOOONG

process - months at a minimum.

READ! There are tons of info on Internet and Books

You have a couple of years (optimistically) of saving what you have - the action has already started.

Personally, I could give a **** about housework.

What really matters is HOW you TREAT People. Especially your spouse. How are you treating him emotionally?

Think that one over.

then go read all the posts another 20 times.

Island...you need to confront why you went back to the AP you “don’t give a fuck about” and fix it so it NEVER happens again. End of story. Then you will need to spend the rest of your natural life showing your BH that he is your #1 emotionally, sexually and intellectually, if he were to let you. Anything you did with or for AP, needs to be amplified 1000x for your BS to even consider he is the most important person in your life, and honestly, at this point even that might not be enough. I hope you find peace whatever the outcome is. And I’m not going to give you a 2x4 because I am sure you hate yourself and what you did more than anyone could tell you. But you still did it, and you still humiliated, disrespected and hurt you BS beyond anything you could imagine.

Just don’t promise him you will never do it again if you can’t teally be sure that’s true.

IslandA, you say you're "asking how to help (your) BH and how to change." You have to want to change your behavior and, I don't believe, you want to! You say you don't care for the OM, you only care about your husband. If you cared about your husband you wouldn't have put him back into hell...for a second time!

In my opinion, it would take a damn good counselor to get me to stay if my husband put me through that hell for a second time.

Why did you have the 2nd affair if you truly wanted to R? I can tell you now that my H would leave in a heart beat. I have personally set boundaries and won't cross them. I think you need to figure out what is MOST important to you. Having a 2nd affair in my opinion is showing your H that you don't care. It doesn't matter if you had feelings or not for AP2 you still had sex with him.

So you put an knife in yours H’s back, watched him bleed, seen the pain and hurt he was in. Then you thought it was ok to do this to him again?

You said you had poor coping skills. You did see this before but choose not do anything about it or didn’t learn?

Sorry IMO I think you need to let your H be so he can heal. You need work on yourself and let him be.

You want to stop the bleeding stop putting knifes in his back.

[This message edited by godheals at 11:44 AM, January 25th (Thursday)]

BS here. A stopsign is your friend.

You need to focus on yourself right now. Ask youself what it is that you want out of life. Is this it? Is this the 'you' that you want to be?

I would recommend that give your husband some space. Not much you can say right now. Focus on being a better person and maybe he'll stick around to see that.

An honest line of questions for you and what you want out of life: Is this life with your husband really what you want? Why would you want to be with your husband? Your actions say you have limited respect for him. Thats a desire killer for most women I know.

[This message edited by antlered at 7:13 PM, January 25th (Thursday)]

[This message edited by Crazymixedupkid at 5:24 PM, January 26th (Friday)]

Island, best you contact the mods and get a stop sign put on your thread.

HI. BW here. First, you probably should get a stop sign.

Secondly, if you are serious about fixing yourself, I would suggest getting into IC ASAP and find out what’s at the bottom of this behavior. You’ve got to figure out the WHY to prevent this in the future and protect your marriage. Also, find out what true remorse is and demonstrate that to your H. It sounds like you logically understand what you did was wrong, but true remorse is understanding it emotionally: understanding the pain and hurt that your h is now experiencing. If you truly understand that, then IMO, you’ll never ever want him to experience that again.

Third, if you want to stay with your H and “stop the bleeding” you’ve got to be transparent. If he asks you a question, tell him the truth. As many times as he needs. He may ask the same thing over and over again. And you have to be willing to answer over and over again. Be honest. Listen to him. Don’t defend your actions. Ask him what he needs and wants. Respect those things.

Hope this helps.

Posting as a member

There should be no need for a stop sign if everyone agrees to post with CONSTRUCTIVE advice. Island is not YOUR wayward spouse, so cool the projection and anger and instead post with useful advice, before she's chased away instead of staying and figuring out her stuff.

I am asking for ANY advice on further steps I can take to help him in his pain and steps I can take to change myself and show him I am changing.

One of the most resourceful items that you have AT YOUR FINGERTIPS, AND DOESN'T COST A DIME, is the forum that you posted this question on. Yet, it has been over three days since you have posted here.

Sure, you are going to hear a bunch of crap that will hurt. But most of it will be truths....and that is something that you should want to face in order to make changes that will benefit you in the future.