SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She said the sex was not good, but it was just part of what she felt she owed him after all the money he spent on Spa’s and restaurants and gifts. When I came home and found her washed sexy underwear she was worried. When I saw her with her downstairs shaved I knew she had not done that for me.

I have seen this same reasoning from many a cheating wife. The sex was not good. (though I doubt she would tell you if it was great, not if she still wants you) but she wanted the trappings, both material and emotional, so she put out.

But if that was the case, if it was sex lack luster sex, for things and feelings, why the extra effort? Couldn't she just drop her pants and get on with it?

Why the sexy underwear?

Why the shaving?

But I guess at this point what difference does it make. No answer she could give would make any sense anyway. It was a deal breaker from the moment it got physical.

Has your wife started dating yet?

Thanks for coming back and updating, Spaceghost. Wishing peace for all of your family, and glad you've found some in forgiveness. Tough stuff...

SG,

You were strong enough to know it was a deal breaker. Strong enough to follow through on that.

And incredibly strong enough to forgive her and let go of anger. And for the right reason that maintains your integrity and self respect: so she can parent your children. That is a incredible gift you have given.

"She said the sex was not good, but it was just part of what she felt she owed him after all the money he spent on Spa’s and restaurants and gifts. When I came home and found her washed sexy underwear she was worried. When I saw her with her downstairs shaved I knew she had not done that for me."

I had almost the exact scenario with my ex. Said the sex was not good but purchased special underclothes, shaved, all the trimmings for the OM. She used all of the standard cheater lies. She, like your ex, also didn't feel any regret for her actions until after the divorce decree. I believe it probably helped that she literally lost everything.

I too will never marry again. I came out much better than you did though because I had a lawyer and judge who were very antagonistic toward cheaters. I retained all of my wealth, etc. But I will never again put myself in a position to lose everything I've worked for.

The dating scene is full of women who want a commitment but that's something I will never give them. I've learned that they aren't worth my sanity. I'm much happier now than I would ever be married and always wondering if the new spouse was going to remain faithful. One ride on the infidelity roller coaster is enough for me forever.

Thanks for the update 'Space'

I would work on yourself through IC. It's very early to say things like "I'll never marry again".

Of course, marriage isn't necessary to have a happy life, but it may limit you finding your perfect person.

Also, it's just f*cking money. Who cares? You can't take it with you when you're dead.

I can completely understand how your feeling and everything you are saying. It is what it is. It changes us and for me I didn't want it to destroy all that was beautiful in me but it did. So I just let it now ... because I know once all the beautiful things in me are gone for good then I can start rebuilding a new, better, resilient, wiser, kinder softer me. But the unravelling continues and I hope each day when I wake that this healing journey (one I never wanted to be on) will begin to shape me into something better.

There is no pain comparable to that of someone who was your moon and stars ... doing this to you. Nothing even compares to betrayal like that.

I guess we were chosen to have (and share) this experience .. and the reason for it we won't know until later on down the road.

thanks for the update SG. Peace to you.

[This message edited by reddawn212 at 9:30 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

I also took a lover. But my heart is broken. And really ... only time and work on my part is going to mend that. My greatest fear is I won't be capable of ever feeling that kind of love and passion for another because my heart my trust and faith in others is so completely shattered. Time will tell.

was sharing that cathartic?

Thank you so much for the update. You’re my hero.

I feel so sorry for you and your wife that so much was lost because she felt she owed a debt.

I never fully understood why she gave you a nice card and expensive gift during her affair. My guess was that she was affirming to herself that her relationship with you was so strong that what she was doing didn’t matter. It was only sex.

(She) felt she owed him after all the money he spent on Spa’s and restaurants and gifts.

Space Ghost

Now there is another reason. She got expensive gifts from the OM and felt that you deserved one too. The basic instinct is good: You pay your debts. But she obviously took if too far.

I was impressed that your wife immediately cut off her affair once you voiced your suspicions. It’s very rare to cut off the OM “cold turkey” when he’s begging for the affair to continue. (You didn’t voice your proof at that time which was also impressive).

When I came home and found her washed sexy underwear she was worried.

Space Ghost

She may have been worried but she continued her affair and you were able to get your proof. In a way I guess it’s good that she did, You would have lived the rest of your life being 99% sure.

[This message edited by Michigan at 10:37 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

This is my first ever post in this forum. I also followed your story with some interest. Before your last update, I also anticipated your exwife's attempted suicide, and how you would respond. In essence, you two were, each others sun,moon and stars. The centre of each others universe.

I do feel for her that she was hit on by her boss for such a length of time. I guess thats the price of being so beautiful. Unfortunately, if she had confided with you about this, it would have been 'nipped in the bud', earlier.

You both are trying to move on, but are struggling.

My thoughts, your exwife still seems to be the centre of your universe, which I dont knock. It will take awhile, and more counselling to deal with that.

You originally confided that you wanted both of you to date, and find that one person whom you could give your utmost devotion too. As you are probably aware, the way you are currently dating is not going to achieve this.

I guess it is going to take time.

Of course I'm a romantic. You may find that person, or you may find that it is still your exwife. Your eventual happiness is what you are aspiring to.

My story. About 19 years ago, my wife had a short term EA, which I quickly realized, and stopped. Soon after that she was diagnosed with BPD. Her loose boundries with men throughout our marriage, caused me unknowingly to go into depression. I kept blaming the BPD for how I felt. The beginning of this year, I chanced upon these infidelity forums. AND my healing began.

I don’t know if I did anything the right way or not, but I did the best I could.

One cannot do more.

Thank you for the update Space. Please if possible, stay with us and update when you can. Admittedly, for me it's for selfish reasons. I've found out that I kind of live and die by the BS posts. The stories are real as it gets. Sometimes to real. \ I have difficulty reading the ones (especially when the men/women are just helplessly dangling, seeking to reconcile only to be subjected to the pick me game). I actually have to skip forward to the most recent pages to see if the guy has "manned" up and followed the UNBELIEVABLE advice offered here.

Anyway Ghost, your story resonates with me on a couple of fronts.

1) I've had a cheat-free marriage now going on 25 years, but these posts have reinvigorated my love for my wife, as I realize how lucky I am and we both are. Reading Ghost's and ohforanewme and others, I'm just relishing how fortunate I am.

2) Prior to marriage, I was cheated on 3 times before I met my wife (I never cheated). In each instance, it wasn't until I instituted the NC rule (didn't know it at the time,just going on human instinct) was I unexpectedly in control of my situation, but much like Ghost, the deal breaker was sex. Couldn't even kiss afterwards. Never stayed at her apt again.

I demanded details and got them through the tears. They screwed in the AP's home in front of the fireplace over a glass of wine. In 30 seconds she went from my future wife to nothing. Literally nothing. I met my current wife 6 months later and the rest is history.

The mind movie of "the act" made it unbelievably easy to move on. Hurt like hell, but reconciling was not even a discussion point, after the sex. To my fault though, in looking back, I strung her and on3 other cheater along for a while because I didn't want to hurt there feelings by being blunt in saying it's over. I in turn hurt myself, the old girlfriend and the new girlfriend who ended up being my wife. No one wins. The 180 is the best thing for all.

The love and support of this community is nothing short of spectacular.

[This message edited by Jorge at 2:18 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

SpaceGhost, Your update was exactly what I expected and perhaps the challenges are the reason why you might have been hesitant to post it before. It's less messy to just drop the mic and ride into the sunset.

You are not alone with the feelings of not ever wanting to trust again. Right there with you. Our timeline, attitude towards cheating and outcomes are identical. Our situations differ in that my marriage sucked, and I've had only one relationship since (It was great but ended after 8 months, I'll give you one guess as to why ) Despite those differences, three years out from dday we are emotionally in the same place. And I also don't often talk about it here either .

Things will only get better from here. I for one have no expectations as to what I "should" be doing.

Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by antlered at 2:41 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

To many people to thank after my last post. But I want you all to know that your comments mean a lot to me. I also read some things that I did not even think of so I appreciate the different takes on what I wrote.

I never thought about her getting gifts from the OM and then giving me gifts. And her thought process that led her to think she owed him sex. Maybe there is something to that I am not sure.

Also I worked hard for my money and parting with half of it was not easy. I thought about going to court but decided I did not want that fight and to pay lawyers a bunch of money. I may have been able to win I guess because the state that we were living in does take into account infidelity. But I also just wanted it to be over and done with. I took the easy way out.

As far as the sex with the OM I believe her story. It makes sense and it also lines up with what I have gathered and her polygraph. You know sometimes people just kind of go bat shit crazy. I had an old friend where his wife went out and started cheating on him. He found out and she wanted a divorce and so he divorced her. Once she was full time with her OM the guy dumped her. This woman was a fitness model but she was also very volatile. I felt a little bad for her because she lost her profession, had 3 DUI's ended up in rehab. Sometimes people do things to ruin their lives they just wouldn't do.

And now lets get to the OM and someone asked about him. The guy was a dick and I hated him. When I first found out I couldn't believe it. He has a lot of money but he is not some stud looking guy. I do have a story to tell about him and I debated if I would share it or not because it does not make me look like a good guy but I did kind of get even with him. When I found out about the Affair I was pissed at her and the OM. So I did share the proof with the OBS. We met and she was crying and upset. She ended up calling me a couple of times and then I stopped talking to her because it took me to a bad place.

One day I got a call from the OM and he asked why I was talking to his Wife. I said we had talked about him screwing my wife but that was a while back. He told me never to talk to her again and I then had words with him. It did get very heated but that was the end of that. Around 2 months later my XW had her scare with the pills so I went back home for 2 weeks. I did run into the OBS and she told me she was separated. She was tipsy and she wanted to go have sex. I thought about it but decided I shouldn't. I told her to call me when she is sober and we parted company.

It turns out the OM was at least having an EA with another woman. So his wife called me the next day. It was a low point in my life and my XW had just got out of the hospital. So to make a long story short I had sex three times over a 5 day period with the OBS. I shouldn't have done it but in a lot of ways it helped me feel better.

She talked about her marriage and his cheating. I know new sex is more exciting but she said he was selfish in bed so my wife was probably telling the truth about the sex not being that great. I was torn after doing that and so I told her we couldn't do it anymore and we never met up again. She just wanted revenge on him nothing more and I realized this was probably a bad idea even though I hated the OM.

I also realized if my XW found out she was in a bad place and I did not want them in our lives so it was something I was starting to regret. I went back to Florida and a month later I get a call from the OBS. She told me her and the OM were back together and she just told him that we had slept together since she wanted to be honest with him. The strange thing is he never called me. I think the OBW just wanted to hurt him and tell him what she had done. I did eventually tell my XW about it months later. My XW was upset about it yet she hated the OM after all that had happened so she tried to be understanding

So that is the full update. Tomorrow I am flying out to Florida for a 10 day working vacation so I am excited about that. I struggle every day with what I want out of my life but I also realize I have a pretty good life. I will get better and I will continue to try and make her Affair truly a thing of the past. Time is helping so things are getting back to normal.

I made a lot of mistakes and I was lucky that I did not have young children or this would have been a lot worse than it already was. Do the best you can and be able to look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see. That is my goal for now.

Space Ghost out for now.

I hope you gave the POSOM all he can handle. His nerve to dictate terms to you after the shitty things he did. I am glad OBS told the low life about you. I still think you should have sued the POSOM even partening with WW. Looks like POSOM is a self centerd narcissist. It is unfortunate WW did not have the character to see through it.

Past is gone. Future does not belong to anyone. All one has is the present moment. Live it to the fullest possible (i.e. mindfulness)

[This message edited by goalong at 7:15 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Hi SG,

Thank you for the update. I am curious, what is your relationship with your wife like now? Will you see her on your trip to Fla?

Honestly, she sounds like a good person that had a terrible lapse in judgement. Like you said, sometimes people just lose their mind. My heart goes out to all four of you, truly a sad situation. Take care.

Also I worked hard for my money and parting with half of it was not easy. I thought about going to court but decided I did not want that fight and to pay lawyers a bunch of money. I may have been able to win I guess because the state that we were living in does take into account infidelity. But I also just wanted it to be over and done with. I took the easy way out.

Space Ghost

Your wife could have offered to take less than half given the circumstances. You wouldn't have to go to court if she volunteered.

[This message edited by Michigan at 9:03 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Spaceghost0007, I have followed your saga from the first time you posted. I can understand, at present, you not ever wanting to get married again. I also feel you still have a lot of love for your Ex-wife as she does for you. If this is the case why don't you and her just live together. You can do that without being married. A marriage license is just a legal document and really has nothing to do with how you feel about each other. If she agreed, do you think you could do that? Why stay apart if you can be together without the state's blessing of marriage. I am a lot older than you and have been around the world several times, so my way of viewing things is maybe a little off center of what others deem as politically correct. You can live with her, share life with her, and grow old together just as you planned 3 years ago. Now, the only difference between you and her is she did her thing on one side of the marriage license and you did yours on the other side. I'd say that sexually you are even. What she did caused a divorce and you have had several sexual liaisons in the aftermath. Don't cut yourself short on happiness because you don't want to get married again. You can make a new commitment to each other without that piece of paper. If it works then it will be great. If it doesn't then you can part ways without the legal hassle, knowing you took a shot at making a new happiness. To everyone's point of view, you will be back together again after a horrible situation. I do wish you well.

[This message edited by anoldlion at 8:37 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

It sounds like your doing as best as can be - no one gets out of infidelity unscathed. Sadly.

And her thought process that led her to think she owed him sex. Maybe there is something to that I am not sure

There's a saying: Women trade sex for attention; men trade attention for sex.

Sounds like this is what happened.

I hope you find peace and happiness for yourself.

[This message edited by WornDown at 9:06 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Sir

Once again I admire you for the way you carried yourself through this entire ordeal. And a little revenge against the OM...I hope his wife told him you were the best fuck of her life. Bigger dick, made her come a million times, turned her around and did things that she would never do with her husband, god forbid. I hope the dirty bastard develops high blood pressure, and needs viagra. But then again, I can be a real asshole.