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Dealing with OC

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Salty16 posted 2/4/2018 07:31 AM

I am in a somewhat unique position. At 21 I had a child as a single parent. 2 years ago I found out that my husband had an affair 10 years prior to DDay and had OC. I have conflicting emotions while working my way through this mess.
I have a daughter that was conceived under poor circumstances... nobody was married or in a relationship. I was not married and decided I would keep her since she was my baby. The bio father knew I was pregnant and at first was acceptant, then changed his tune. I didn't care. Yes we had a DNA test... I had her on a medical card since I worked 3 jobs paying minimum wage but no benefits and the state forced the DNA test. He was supposed to pay child support but rarely did. I never kept my name and address out of the phone book (yes, the days before cell phones!) And we had mutual friends, so he had ways of seeing her or showing an interest in her life and well being, but never did. I met my husband when she was 2 and a half. When we got married he adopted her, the bio dad gladly signed off parental rights. He never asked for a peek at her, a picture or anything. So my point is that I didn't want or need him in our lives. He didn't want to be in her life. Yes, we planned on telling her when she was old enough to understand.
But years down the road when she found out she was adopted by my husband, she wanted to meet the bio dad and half siblings.
She did meet them and spent time with them. Following her HS graduation she went and lived with them for a short time.
My point is this... I didn't want the bio dad involved from day 1. I have valid reasons that I will not discuss. BUT, once my daughter found out she had a "real dad" out there... she put him on a pedestal and had him built up in her mind as some wonderful man. She had not met him, knew nothing about him... yet she wanted to meet him. He still had no urge to meet her... his wife who had 2 kids by him and an ex GF with 1 child by him DID want the kids to meet.
You have to realize, you have choices but you must prepare because down the road... the kids will want to know this other person. Just in the past 2 years my daughter has said she regrets meeting the bio dad. She said she wasted so much time thinking her (adopted) dad was horrible just for being a dad... and tried to replace him with the bio dad. She is happy she has a relationship with her siblings, but has no plans on continuing contact with the bio dad.
No matter what your decisions are, you have choices and any situation can work if you are all willing to make an effort.
Know that eventually, if you NC and the child finds out of a "real parent" out in the world... there WILL be questions. It isn't a time to make up some fanciful story of lost love or a vengeful story of betrayal. It depends on the child's age as far as the level of information. And some things are best left quiet.
The flip side to all of this... 2 years ago when I found out about OC I went and am still going through the roller coaster of emotions as a BW. While I have absolutely no urge as a BW to meet the OC or have her involved in our home... I also feel sorry for her. Supposedly she knows her mother's husband is not her bio dad. Yet she has grown up with him being dad. I have an understanding of the thoughts, questions and emotions she may have because of what my daughter experienced. I have such a mix of emotions about our situation. I know down deep inside that at some point, she will end up making contact. As a mom, I understand... as the BW (in our situation), I have no urge at this time to be a part of it. Maybe I will change my mind later, but if she appeared on our doorstep today, no. I also have told my children and my husband that I will not stop them from having any sort of relationship with her. But for now, I do not want to be a part of it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that each situation is unique and you must decide what is best for you... and the child. They are completely innocent. Regardless of YOUR choices, be prepared for the child.

[This message edited by Salty16 at 8:01 AM, February 4th (Sunday)]

Salty16 posted 2/4/2018 07:36 AM

I apologize for the double posting!

Salty16 posted 2/4/2018 07:52 AM

Oh, as an addition to my earlier post. If the OC does happen to show up... yes there will be DNA completed prior to any interaction. And there are many variables to take into consideration dependent upon the timing and situation.

Salty16 posted 2/4/2018 07:57 AM

Koenig, as it was stated earlier... in most states a husband is automatically listed on birth certificate as the father. I believe also in most states unmarried father of the baby must sign a voluntary acknowledgement of paternity. Obviously this is IF the mother is cooperative and the papers are provided to the father of the baby or I am sure in many cases... whoever believes they are the father or claims to be the father. Otherwise, a father may request DNA testing and go through those routes.

honesttoafault posted 2/4/2018 09:48 AM

Koenig, you will have to find out the laws in your state. In my state, you do not have to put the father's name on the birth certificate. Also, in my state, if you are legally married to the mother of the child, you are "legally" considered the father unless proved otherwise by DNA test, etc. Paternity papers would need to be signed, court, etc.

See a lawyer to find out your legal rights.

Salty16 posted 2/4/2018 19:23 PM

^^^ completely agree and in all of my editing while typing, I forgot to throw that in there. Speak with an attorney!

mccloud posted 2/7/2018 23:58 PM

I really don't know what to say. My WBF got his stupid sancha pregnant. It was a boy and now he wants his kids from his marriage to know about his bastard child. He and I have had so many problems because of his lies and cheating. And he has only recently ended the nasty LTA, in October of last year. My WBF has just recently started to be more open and honest with me. We don't live together anymore but talk ever day. Well, he has now told his 18 year old son about the half brother and wants to tell his 13 year old daughter soon. His ultimate wish is to have all 3 kids together every weekend and me there too. Why does he have to force his kids from his marriage to be with his bastard son? And I really don't want to be around that baby. I hate his mother. But not him. But I still don't want to be around him.

honesttoafault posted 2/8/2018 20:38 PM

mccloud: You say you are no longer living together. Are you working towards fixing your relationship and possibly living together again, or are going to keep the status quo and live apart?

If you are not planning on living together in the near future, you can discuss your concerns with your BF, but this decision about his children would be his alone. If you are uncomfortable about being with this child, express your concerns, but you don't have to be around this child if you do not want.

You may want to take a deep long look at this relationship and what it will entail if you do go forward together. If your BF is not doing all the right things and is not being open and honest, no matter how much you might love him, a relationship is hard and both people have to be working on it.

honesttoafault posted 2/8/2018 20:38 PM

double post

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 8:43 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]

honesttoafault posted 2/8/2018 20:38 PM

double post

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 8:42 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]

honesttoafault posted 2/8/2018 20:38 PM

have no idea why this posted so many times!!!

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 8:41 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]

honesttoafault posted 2/8/2018 20:38 PM

double post

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 8:39 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]

honesttoafault posted 2/8/2018 20:39 PM

double post or more!!! I'm sorry

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 8:40 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]

mccloud posted 2/8/2018 23:49 PM

Yes it is very hard. And he just doesn't put in the work that he should. I keep trying to make him understand that this is really hard for me. And he needs to be super respectful to me. And although he has gotten better at being more open with me, he still does not give me the respect that I need and deserve.

honesttoafault posted 2/9/2018 20:57 PM

mccloud: I think you've answered your own question. I'm so sorry. Go with your gut, and it seems your gut is telling you to let go of him. It's very hard to do, I know. It took me years to actually get to a point to let go and say I'm done. Don't waste one more moment.

mccloud posted 2/9/2018 21:32 PM

Thank you for your advice and taking the time to reply.

anon03 posted 3/13/2018 20:46 PM

So it's been a while for me but I'm still stuck in it. Child DNA tested to be his. Been going through court and I've been helping him and neither had lawyers or the money for it.

Then as I'm prepping for the next hearing I am printing out some texts and a few didn't make sense. I've been allowed to read his phone whenever I want to and he tells me when she texts or calls about the case and their child.

Or so I thought. Now I find out that Something happen Ed in October. He won't tell me what and he owes her money for it. all I can think is a pregnancy test and morning after as she's refused to do abortion I don't think that is it.

He told me he didn't know what she was talking about of owejng money from that time and I can't let things go.

I feel like I'm back at dday but only 10 times worse because now I feel like a fool. He gained me back and still lies. I don't understand it. I don't understand how he could do that to me again. How could he be with her during a custody battle? How could he be so dumb and not think of our child at any point during this? I'm so broken right now and worst part is j love him and I keep trying to convince myself it can still work when the logical side tells me I'm a moron and know better and deserve better.

I don't know for sure if I'm overreacting and it is something simple but his lack of communication on the matter with me makes me think the worst case scenario.

I've left out a lot of the full situation so I'm aware it looks bad at everything I've typed here. I'm upset and all over the place and probably posting in the wrong area.

Definitely going to call more therapy tomorrow as right now all I want to do is cry or punch him really hard. I'm so hurt and so angry right now.

How did this end up being my life? I'm

Salty16 posted 3/15/2018 16:06 PM

He needs to have full disclosure with you and she needs to provide receipts for whatever she is claiming he owes. Period.

anon03 posted 3/20/2018 19:27 PM

Turns out they did sleep together. She got morning after and a pregnancy test as I suspected. I wrote the following in another thread....

I did say def. D a few days ago. I just don't want to be too rash. I'm in IC and he's going to start. He opened up a ton in the last few days and I'm not saying I beleieve him. Just needed guidance on IF I decide to not D yet. I am torn. Neither of us thinks we tried after DD1. We both swept it away and didn't do anything. just continue living. This time, if there is one, we both want to do everything to be strong and fix it. I have long way to go in IC before I make any decisions. For now he's is a different room. We have a lot of love and our son too so I want to know we both tried and gave it everything before we give up and at same time don't want to be naieve. He gave me his phone to try Dr.fone on to make sure he told the truth this time and it didn't work. His can't be rooted. So, I'll just have to give it time to see if that is everything. It's so hard.

For all of you who have been thru more than one dday how did you know to trust again? How did you get thru the child and the woman always being around? Does it get easier?

honesttoafault posted 3/23/2018 19:41 PM

anon: Unfortunately we are not just dealing with an A, but an OC which makes it incredibly harder.

You asked how do know when to trust again. He has to EARN it. He has to show you by his actions that he is truly remorseful and not lying, hiding things, gaslighting, TT, blameshifting, or rugsweeping. It is easy to want to believe he is doing all the right things.

When dealing with an OC and R, you have to both be a united front and agree with everything that will be done in dealing with OC.

I opened up my home to the 3 OC's (yes 3) for them to visit. I knew they were innocent victims in all of this mess, only to find out another DDay with WH.

You need to tell your WH that you are giving the gift of R and you are both working together. If he is not, then you are out.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I know how hard it is and how gut wrenching it is.

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