SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Livingwithpain-

Were you pressured by you pastor and church family to forgive him? I was pestered by those people so bad and for so long that I left the church and never went back. I think I have decided to follow Jesus on my own accord and not worry about church. Who needs that kind of fellowship, where everyone blames me for what she did?

I stopped going to church when the church I went to for my entire life refused to marry WH and I-because he didn't go to church, so none of that has been an issue.

I don't feel the need to follow a church. I also have not told anyone else so no one in my family except our son and his girlfriend know about it. I am not interested in anyone else in my family or friends, who haven't been through this's opinion on what I should or shouldn't do.

Yes, I do find that the golden rule of forgiving the sinner because its what you are suppose to do as blaming the victim. I don't think its something I am required to forgive. If god is willing to forgive, that is awesome but I don't feel it is something that I am required to do to heal or move on. There was a therapist who told me that the CSA I suffered at my grandfathers hands was not something that was for me to have to forgive. Some things are unforgivable-IMHO. I felt like a weight was lifted by being told I didn't need to forgive him, not that a weight would be lifted if I forgave him. It was very freeing to know it wasn't something that I HAD to do.

and

i can say simply I don't forgive someone and there is no bitterness, anger or need for justice attached to it. probably doesn't hurt anyone. but some things are unforgiveable. doesn't mean we have to stay mad about it, it just is. in many cases of infidelity, imo, this is true.

following your logic everyone should forgive for everything if it only hurts the victim of the crime. I just don't see it that way. sometimes people need to hang onto something to make things right inside their head. so in some cases, not forgiving is helping the victim.

^^^^^^what sewardak said. I pretty much always agree with sewardak.

I honestly find it hard to wrap my head around forgiveness being for me. Probably because I was taught differently my whole life. It doesn't do anything for me, just the sinner. So, because that is how I was raised and what I was taught, I don't find not forgiving to be holding me back in the slightest. Forgiveness is for him to ask for and it would be for him, not for me. Thats how I was taught and based on how I was taught, I don't understand how it would be for me. I read that forgiveness is to free me from my need for justice but I don't feel the need for justice any longer and I don't see any relation between me forgiving him in order to free me of that need. It just doesn't jive with what forgiveness means to me based on my upbringing.

Some people here said that only God should forgive. I would kindly suggest them read Matthew 18:21-22.

I am not sure if you are referring to my post, however, I didn't say that only God should forgive, what I was saying was that i was taught that the only forgiveness that people require is from God. I was also taught that I have to forgive. I am not particularly religious longer.

Deephurt, you have had so much pain committed by your spouse.

I can't remember if I said this in the thread. For a long time I was so angry at the concept of forgiveness. I felt it placed such an unfair burden on me.

This is a hurt I am going to take to the grave. However, in my circumstance I feel so much more at peace now. Identifying my unwillingness to forgive, the reasons I didn't want to forgive. Those reasons in my case were hurting me.

You and other posters need to walk their own journey. To find peace in ways YOU are content with.

iwantmyglasses-healing in my way, is exactly what I am doing.

I am not trying to change anyones mind on forgiveness, just sharing my own experiences and how I was taught. I don't feel any pressure to forgive and by sharing that, hopefully others who feel pressure to forgive when they don't feel the need, will see that there is no need to feel pressure to do so.

I agree...there should not be pressure to force forgiveness. It took me over a year to express it.

If I ever get there, I may not even tell him. It's for me, really. What he did I actually view as mostly unforgiveable. And certainly grounds for divorce legally and even according to Christianity.

So I hope to get there for me. How he deals with it is kind of his problem. He should have thought of that before. I am baffled by how many WSs say, "I just didn't think of the consequences". (??!) I guess that's why we're BS instead of WS.

Sewardak- that was a good response. I understand your perspective. My big concern in reconciliation is that BS eventually get to the point where they aren't continuing to punish the WS or that they aren't resentful. I find resentment to be very dangerous in a marriage. With that said, the WS has to put forth enough good will for a bs to want to let go of resentment. If you can do that and not forgive then that's great. For me it goes hand and hand. And under no circumstances do I think forgiveness should be forced. It is for the BS only to give

I honestly find it hard to wrap my head around forgiveness being for me...Forgiveness is for him to ask for and it would be for him, not for me.

The lightbulb came on for me when I realized I could forgive people who never even knew I was angry (guy who cut me off in traffic) or who had passed away (a relative). Didn't benefit them an iota, they never even knew they were unforgiven in the first place, but took the weight of grievance off of me.

Sharing my experience, not meaning to argue -

I've related that forgiveness snuck up on me; one day I woke up and realized I no longer had any desire for my W to be punished.

It happened about 3 years ago, I think. It was not a big deal for me then, and it's not a big deal now. It was nice not to spend energy on thoughts of revenge, but I wasn't doing much of that anyway by that time (which of course means that I was in the process of giving it up.)

Maybe a year ago I mentioned it in a post, and I asked my W to read the thread and my post - not to read bout forgiveness, but because the thread seemed important and had a lot of insight.

My statement really meant a lot to her.

IOW, if you box yourself in WRT forgiveness, you're likely to be doing yourself a disservice.

IOW, I recommend not obsessing about it. You can R without it. You can heal without it. But no matter what, it's not a logical process, so let your unconscious mind do what it wants.

IOW, where you are now may not be where you end up.