SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My H cheated on me 4 years into the M. I had zero idea. He was sorry he did it and promised himself he would never do it again. It broke the foundation of our M but he thought he could fix himself without telling me and avoiding the fall out. That worked for 10 years. We had 3 kids and then he cheated again. So I am pretty partial to NO!

He is now facing his issues which included a full confession, accountability, transparency and restitution.He is facing the destruction of his choices and the possible loss of his M. He is giving me the respect I deserve with the truth, which gives me the choie to stay or go. It takes the control out of his hands. He can no longer hide. He is going to IC and MC.

I feel more protected. I now know the truth. I know how I was deceived. I see how the truth I freely gave was taken advantage of. I know my H had the ability to lie. I can see the pattern. I now know I was not crazy. I can see the minimizing, the gas lighting and so on.

Our MC firmly believes the truth is necessary. How else can you have true intimacy? Lies have no place in a healthy M.

Yes JIMA, yes - especially a lie of this magnitude.

I had a response all thought out, but to sum it up -- no. And she knows that if I ever learn the A was anything other that what she has confirmed at this time, it could cost the M.

No...it's not R if one spouse is clueless there's something needing reconciling! I think to keep a secret of this magnitude wound severely impair intimacy. To steal a spouse's choices and keep them deluded about their own reality? This amount of gaslighting is abusive.

I agree with you nightmare01.

The WSs that think they can fix themselves without having to be truthful to their BS are seriously in denial.

Is it possible for a WS fix themselves without a Dday?

I am going to say "yes" bcause I think it happens all the time. In all walks of life. People self-correct.

I bet the percentage of As discovered is below 50%. For every confession after years of quiet, there are many more silences.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 8:27 AM, July 7th (Friday)]

Fix the marriage? I don't think any relationship with a lie that big can truly be intimate. How can you know a person really if you don't know that they could do this to you?

Fix themselves? I believe people self-correct, but I doubt it is really common. It is a rare person who can make an adjustment that huge in their thinking all on their lonesome. Often they are like dry alcoholics avoiding temptation for years at a time until they run smack into it and go on a bender. Just my opinion, obviously.

[This message edited by strugglebus at 10:11 AM, July 7th (Friday)]

I am going to say "yes" bcause I think it happens all the time. In all walks of life. People self-correct.

I agree a lot of folks never reveal, but I don't think self-correction is automatic or complete for those who choose to keep it to themselves.

And human nature tends to avoid the toughest self-correction until after some consequences (sun screen after a skin cancer event, better exercise after a heart attack, better use of alcohol after a DUI, etc). Not everyone, but I think most people need to feel the heat of the flame before moving away.

My wife was never going to tell. She aimed to self-correct. She felt some consequences of betraying her own values. She realized the A didn't help her fix anything in her life. But all of that combined was only a half-measure. She didn't examine the reasons and felt comfortable with silently shifting the blame for her actions on me and the marriage.

Once she confessed, she learned so much more about herself and what elements she missed attempting to self-correct without any counseling or asking me if the feelings she projected on me were true during those years of the secret.

And as Strugglebus observed:

I don't think any relationship with a lie that big can truly be intimate.

This relates to the original question of can it be reconciliation without the truth?

I agree with SB. The very definition of intimacy to me is honesty and vulnerability.

The secret caused a substantial emotional rift, regardless of my wife's efforts to self-correct. She was able avoid additional infidelity on her own, but wasn't able to be all in -- when you withhold pain, it is tough to feel completely safe and 'known' to your partner. She was afraid the truth would end us.

Instead, the truth finally gave a chance to be so much closer than ever before.

And I'm grateful to have her in my life, flaws and all, because at least we're authentic now. Now she understands her poor choices with a clarity she couldn't find by herself.