SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My partner and I have been together for 6 1/2 years. He was going to propose on my birthday in September. We've known each other since were were 17, have dated off and on over the years, he's married and divorced (not due to infidelity), we finally got together "for real" 31 years after first meeting.

Over the weekend, a video accidentally popped up of him masturbating. He revealed that he's been sending video of himself masturbating to a married woman he'd met before we got together, approximately weekly. She does not reciprocate. He apparently gets off on knowing she's watching the videos, and she... well.. who cares.

This obviously isn't a typical affair. And it, an affair it is. He changed his phone number immediately, shut down his Facebook account, called her through a Google number to let her know it was over. I asked him to leave immediately (though most of his belongings are still here). He says he loves me and wants to still be with me for the long-term. He's seeking counseling for himself and wants us to go together.

I am so hurt, broken, devastated, and kinda disgusted. I am going to seek counseling for myself, but I am so embarrassed and feel so alone. I feel like it would be more acceptable if he had an actual one-time affair. But for this to be going on for our entire relationship... I feel sick. I have known this man for 37 years. I know his family, his children, his friends. I thought I knew him, his heart, his soul. Now I don't know what to think.

Hi LadyLiz

Here you are amongst friends who care.

While you might think that your experience is so unique that it might be hard for others to relate, you will find that here we are all dealing with the same awful issues just given a different twist by the cheaters creativity.

What he is doing is not acceptable and in my book is tantamount to serial cheating.

Am sure that someone with greater wisdom than me will be along to provide more advice shortly

Welcome LadyLiz

I'm sorry you are here, but I'm glad you found us.

Something to keep in mind....you rarely get the entire truth upon discovery. In my experience, if somebody is sending masturbation videos, then there is most likely a lot more online activity that they are engaging in. You may want to do more investigation. You might even consider having him take a polygraph.

It's good that he's seeking counseling. That's a step in the right direction. At this point, he should be transparent with everything...texts, emails, computer, phone logs, etc....if he's not, then that's a problem.

Don't be embarrassed and you are not alone. Keep reading (check out the healing library) and keep posting. We'll help you as much as we can. Unfortunately, it can take 2 to 5 years to come to terms with infidelity and that's only if you have the whole truth and if your partner has done the work. Otherwise, it can take longer.

Sending you big hugs (((hugs)))

Ugh. I thought he had told me the whole truth and yet... you're right. I can't trust him. There could be more. How would I know. He needs to come utterly clean. I did ask him to leave. For now, maybe forever. I feel so betrayed and have done so much for him, the thought of washing a single fork that he's used is more than I could bear. Most of his belongings are still here, though. But yes.. a polygraph might be in order if I don't give up on this completely. I am just too raw right now to even begin to know what to do other than to make sure he knows and understands how very very hurt I am and also to have some SPACE. How do you know that it's worth the years that it will take to rebuild trust? Is it not easier to cut and run and hope that maybe a better partner will come along some day? At 54, I know it's damn slim pickins, and frankly, honestly, could I trust anyone again? Is our history worth allowing him to prove himself to me over time? Is this much worse than a one-time physical affair? I almost wish it was "only" that. Does this reveal something deeper, darker, more twisted? Or is he just an immature jerk? But of course, it's not all of who he is, otherwise, I wouldn't have been with him for so long. I just don't know what to think.

This is similar to what my wife has been doing. Only she has been sending pics, audio recordings, and videos to multiple strangers she met through fetlife.com. This is something else I found in her email. I just can't wrap my head around how this can appear normal to people. She used to send thing to me sure but that I can understand. Sucks it ended that way for you, at least you had the guts to throw him out.

It's always more than we are told in the beginning. The cheaters are so concerned about self preservation, covering their ass, that they think they can control things and we BS won't be able to find out more. All the things he did, to the naked eye, make it seem like it's going to be impossible for him to cheat again. But in reality, those were probably the methods he used to do what he did, and it will be harder to investigate now. I think that you have the tip of the iceberg. I am so sorry you are here.

I'd be contacting his ex-wife to find out the REAL reason they got divorced. Just because he CLAIMS it wasn't due to infidelity doesn't make it so. He's already shown you just how skilled at lying he really is, so all bets are off.

Secondly, as you know, you rarely (if EVER) get the whole truth from a cheater. Just a watered-down version of the truth designed to make them look as innocent as possible.

Is our history worth allowing him to prove himself to me over time?

This is what I honestly don't get. He's had over 6 long years to prove to you he's 'worthy,' and he proved he wasn't. But now that he's been caught and has something to LOSE, he's suddenly all about proving to you what a great guy he is? Where was all this desire to prove himself the day BEFORE you caught him? The week BEFORE you caught him? The last 6 years BEFORE you caught him?

Just some food for thought.

Good luck to you.

I'm sorry you find yourself here.amd I know the shock and pain of finding out you have been betrayed.You are probably traumatized right now. Yes, take the time and space you need to take care of yourself. I know that is hard.

Prepare yourself for possible lies and minimizing. Sadly that is pretty common.

Don't believe it if he just tells you that he will never do it again. He can't promise that because he is not healthy. He needs help. Marriage vows will not magically fix it nor will kids.

My heart hurts for you It isn't your fault. It doesn't diminish your value. Hugs from Texas.

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:13 AM, July 6th (Thursday)]

LadyLiz I feel your pain. Right now I'm in a dark place myself trying to deal with my husband emotional affair. I don't know if was physical too, so far I have no evidence but the emotional part doesn't hurt less. It hurts a lot. Youre not alone, my prayers to you.

You're not married and there are no kids involved. This is a good time to save yourself and run from this person. You get to keep your sanity and your dignity. Some relationships just aren't meant to be. Be thankful that you found out before you were bound to him.

I dated a man off and on as we were often apart geographically. I thought I knew everything about him. Until I discovered some deeply disturbing things about his sex life.

I literally never saw him again. It's been decades later now. I'm so glad I didn't stick around.