SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good morning all. First post here. I discovered my wife's affair with a coworker about 2 months ago. It has been extremely hard. We've been together 14 years, married 7 and have 2 children; 6 and 4.

I discovered my wife's affair after getting the feeling something wasn't right. I know her passwords for everything (she knows mine as well) so I checked her facebook and there were flirtatious messages from a coworker, whom I know, who is married just over a year with a 3 month old baby. I confronted my wife and was told the old "I love you, but I am not in love with you."

At first I was told it was an emoitional affair, which hurt me more, than if it was a one of fling. As time has progressed I learned it was actually physical as well, and that they believe they are "in love."

She has been out of the house for 3 weeks total since then. 1 week then back for a couple days and now out 2 weeks and still out. She refuses to stop contact with him. She agreed to therapy after being out of the house for the first week but since she refuses to end contact with him I decided that I could not continue with therapy with her because there is no point in working on us if she is still "with him."

I told her that if the contact continues I will file for divorce. She doesn't like that saying she "deosn't want to lose her family, but doesn't want to stop talking to him."

I have been in contact with an attorney and am basically all set to file.

She says she is confused and needs time and all the things I have read on every site. It's almost scripted.

My heart is broken. I feel for my children (I don't think she actually can see reality for what it is). Every time I say something about reality she tells me I'm threatening her. I am obsessing about it. I'd love to work on our marriage, but she is so ambivalent and totally unwilling at this point, I feel like I have no other option but to start the divorce. I have always been the primary care giver in our house and she works a lot with hours that don't allow her to do things with the kids, while I work from home and my hours are extremely flexible.

I feel like my whole life has been turned upside down. The woman I know is no longer there in the slightest. At this point I've tried my best to not talk to her about anything other than the kids.

The affair has been going on since November.

I'm sorry you are here dost10. You seem to be on the right track. You don't seem to believing the lies she is spewing out. ." I need more time " really means" I need more time to try the OM out " or to get her ducks in a row. As long as she is in contact with the OM she has made her choice. The reality is she supposedly made her choice when she took her wedding vows, but evidently that must have been forgotten.

Being a stay at home dad may perhaps make you the primary caregiver. Strike while the iron,s hot.

If you want to stay married contact OM's wife, now. It is the single most effective thing you can do to stop an affair cold. Do not tell your wife as she will warn him.

Thanks. The funny thing to me is that this is the guy she loves and is so good. A man who will betray his 8 month pregnant wife and newborn.

Marriagesucks, his wife knows. She sent an extremely threatening text to my wife. It had me scared.

Om married with 3 mo old kid? Your WW thinks she's in love? She is just a side piece for him. Tell his wife and watch the sparks fly as he scrambles to save his own marriage

His wife knows already. He has told my wife that they they only got married and had a kid because that's what they were supposed to do. Total bullshit

He is not living with his wife anymore either. She moved out and my wife said they are on a trial separation or some shit.

Ok.... Yeah, OM is a scumbag for sure. It's amazing how many wives fall for BS spewing out of these scumbags mouths. Of course OM is not your problem, but your WW is.

I think I would go ahead and file... It might snap your WW back to reality. You can always stop the D at anytime.

In the upper left hand corner you will see the healing library. Read through that for lots of good info. You might start with doing the 180. It is an excellent way to detach from your wife if this goes to a D. One side affect is that sometimes it may bring the WW back into the m. But don't count on that. Its main intent is to help you to get your head in a better place to face this dilema and enables you to make better choices free from the emotional trauma.

Ha Ha! Pardon my laugh. A trial separation is always so the two lovebirds can test drive each other free from spousal interuptions.

[This message edited by Marriagesucks at 9:27 AM, May 5th (Friday)]

Also we use a lot of abreviations here. You can find them in the library. Some you can figure out easily, others you may have to memorize.

I am now in full 180, no contact mode unless it has to do with the kids.

I am working on paper work for the divorce as we speak. Last night we spoke after the kids and I just gave her the loving, hey I love you and I forgive you for everything, but I know your heart isn't here so I want you to go be happy with him.

She knows I've been to a lawyer but I told her I'd give it the 6 months the therapist recommended.

Just a thought, can you file now with the finalization being in 6 months so that she knows the clock is ticking and you don't wait another long period of time after the recommended six months for the D to be finalized? Also, this will prevent you from being strung along.

Just a thought here.

Who told you that they were separated? Your wife?? Your W is cheating and by default is a lier. Don't believe anything she tells you now. Consider her the enemy at least for now. Do your homework and verify everything she tells you. Some here say its not the sex that kills the marriage... its all the lying. Your WW has done a lot of lying to get to the point she is now.

Dos,

Tell the OBS anyway. Your Wife is in the affair fog, once there don't believe anything she says at face value.

Cheaters lie, and they lie to each other. Confirm the OBS knows about the A by speaking to her. As far as you know the OM has told her something totally different. Speak to OBS directly, you may get additional information. Read the Healing Library, it will help understand as you stated the "Cheaters Script".

This does not look like an Exit Affair. She is fence sitting/cake-eating.

Expose the affair to family/friends if you have to. If you are serving her D papers, be sure to tell her family first.

Doing this will get you story out first before she lies to them on how angry and abusive you are, and she had to leave you because of fear.

Affairs live under a cloak of darkness, bringing it into the light make everyone see her for what she is doing to you and your/her family.

Read stories in JFO, and you will see the faster you show you will not put up with her A, the faster you can get out of infidelity.

When you expose she will lash out at you, tell her you refuse to discuss this while there are 3 in our marriage. While she is with OM there is nothing to discuss, except the kids.

Pull half of the money out of the banking account. She may wake up, she may not. The choice for both of you to D or R is totally up to you. Make her do the heavy lifting.

It's stated here you are 50% responsible for the M, she is 100% responsible for the A.

Confirm the OBS knows, bring proof with you, she may not really know anything.

I missed while posting, don't give a time to decide (6mo?????). Most therapist don't have experience with infidelity, you will find here many stories where the therapist gave bad advice.

Keep moving forward out of infidelity, she can either wake up and move forward with you or be left behind. Give her time to be in an A, destroys the M.

[This message edited by AffairofPast at 9:57 AM, May 5th (Friday)]

OP,

You made the right decision to start the divorce process, but the wrong decision to agree to delay it. That's basically agreeing to be her plan B back up for 6 months while she tests out the POSOM.

She needs to understand that betraying her husband and family has immediate consequences. She needs to know that she doesn't get the luxury of putting you on ice while she is throwing her A in your face.

Push for the D. Continue a hard 180. Expose her to family and close friends. If there is any small chance she'll turn around, it will be sooner rather than later.

[This message edited by badmemory at 10:03 AM, May 5th (Friday)]

Coworkers? Alert the company too. Threaten legal action. Threaten a much more public exposure. Do that soon.

I just gave her the loving, hey I love you and I forgive you for everything, but I know your heart isn't here so I want you to go be happy with him.

Never EVER do this again. If you want any chance to save your M you can NEVER do this again. Seriously.

Also, other posters are right. If you haven't personally talked to his wife then you have no idea what they're situation really is. Confirm that by speaking to his wife personally.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 10:03 AM, May 5th (Friday)]

More than likely this is not the OM's first rodeo. How do you know that it was his wife that sent the letter? Let me guess... your wife told you? You have to verify everything your WW says to you. I would still call her just to make sure... if you catch my drift.

I forgive you for everything

Be carefull of what you say to your wife. I know you want things to go back to what they were before the affair. But remarks like that will come off as sounding weak to your WW or at best tells her she has 6 months to screw around. Besides you can't forgive what you don't know.

If you really wan't to find out how deep this cancer has gone get a VAR and hide it in her car or wherever she is likely to feel safe to talk. Yes it probably is illegal in most states and not admissable in a courtroom setting...but it will be the quickest way to find out exactly what is going on. If you go that route do not tell your wife about it ever. This would be for your ears only just for fact finding. But its your marriage so do what you need to do. Also I doubt your WW would file a complaint about it... because then it would be used for evidence and I doubt she would want that info out to the public.