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While you are away, what do you think your WW will be doing.

It does seem you want revenge. Keep moving forward with the d. With zero remorse and empathy the m will fail anyway.

She does not respect you.

Maybe one of the women here will offer an opinion but to her the make up thing may be important.

So looking good is either for her to feel good to help her attract attention. Maybe throwing it away (and the good stuff ain't cheap) is some sort of penance or to show you that she's "changed"?

Nope. It's most likely a "poor me" pity-party. The "let's even the score with a threesome" gambit didn't work, so now she's stepped into "the victim" role. Look up the Karpman Drama Triangle. Once you have, you'll see who gets cast as "the persecutor" in this particular vignette. She's a misunderstood little snowflake whose husband is so vengeful that she can't even be allowed to feel good about herself anymore.

Don't fall for it. It's another manipulation.

You'll recognize real remorse if you ever see it, Yankee. It will be characterized by her putting YOUR needs ahead of her own with no payoff for herself.

She's out of the job. She can easily apply for new positions but has told me that she wants to focus more on "us" for now. I don't know how to feel. As for the professional help we are going to see a marriage counselor. She has affectionate, constantly wanting to to be with me.

When will I ever stop being sad about this? I think I need to see some meds prescribed to me. Even though she has said she chooses me and our marriage, I still feel like I am worth better than this.

Y99,

How about individual counseling (IC) for her at the moment? She needs to better understand her selfishness before you two consider counseling together. You would likely benefit from some IC at the moment to explore whether you can deal with her infidelity long-term. Some can, and others can't.

So you've decided to R?

Even though she has said she chooses me and our marriage, I still feel like I am worth better than this.

As marriage material, you are high value, she is low value.

Your high value doesn't come from her choosing you. She doesn't gift you by choosing you. She is not the one who has made you high value. That is why her saying she chooses you and your marriage does not feel like she is honoring you.

She can easily apply for new positions but has told me that she wants to focus more on "us" for now

My initial concerns grow that she wants to bring the two of you to a place of normalcy by rug sweeping. I get that she is taking superficial steps to try and win you back. She needs to focus on herself to improve her worth as a person, so that in your eyes she has higher value.

If she alone made the decision to not seek work, this becomes yet another indicator of a selfish mindset and an imbalanced relationship.

Look like you are feeling obligated and you are in two minds. It should not be. R only if you want. Her choosing you statement is ridiculous as it should have not occurred in the first place. Her being clingy now - is it remorse or her trying to get you under control. Tell her that as far as you see she never showed any remorse so far. If you R (or even not sure) Put a VAR in her car just to make sure that she (and the POS) have taken this under ground

Either way I think you should also insist her finding a job

[This message edited by goalong at 9:58 PM, April 3rd (Monday)]

Do not do MC until she and you have done IC.

She needs to get a job immediately. How is sitting at home working on the marriage.

This is no longer about her choosing you, it has to be about you choosing the m.

You need to work on you so you make your choice from a position of strength.

NO SOLICITING

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:16 AM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

Yankees,

It looks like she is driving the action and doing what she considers is best for her, without any regard for what you want.

“She's out of the job. She can easily apply for new positions but has told me that she wants to focus more on "us" for now.”

So she is going to sit around the house by herself while you are at work, and that is going to help the marriage? How? Did you ask her to do that, or has she just decided she is going to do that without worrying about your take on it?

She said that she was agreeable to you being more ‘in charge’ if you stayed together. As an experiment, tell her you want her to get another job. See if she listens, or overrides you to do what she wants.

Sorry to say this, but going by her recent behaviour, is she ‘safe’ to be left alone all day while you are out at work? Or might she find some way to fill her time if she gets bored? Also, her not working is a great way to put you off the idea of divorce in the immediate future, because if she has no income, you get hit hard for financial support. If she has a well-paid job as an RN, you don’t. Might that be a motivation for her deliberately making herself unemployed? And like the threesomes, it’s dressed up as a sacrifice she is making for the good of the relationship. One sacrifice after another, all of which benefit her more than they benefit you.

“As for the professional help we are going to see a marriage counsellor.”

Is that something you wanted, or something she is pushing you into? You say you don’t know what to feel, so it doesn’t sound like you would have much enthusiasm for the MC. It seems like she is hitting you with one thing after another, as if she can force you to feel better and accept what she did. But you don’t feel better about it, do you?

“She has been affectionate, constantly wanting to be with me.”

She’s really determined to force you into acceptance of her actions, isn’t she? Yet despite all of the infidelity ‘cures’ she keeps throwing at you – unasked for by you – you say:

“When will I ever stop being sad about this? I think I need to see some meds prescribed to me.”

Yankees, you may be suffering elements of post-traumatic stress disorder, and you are obviously suffering hugely emotionally. There have been times in your story where you felt so distressed that you had to leave your own home and go and stay with your daughters, and another time where you were at work and you said you dreaded going home. Your wife is a nurse; she, more than most, ought to be able to tell when a person is distressed, and should be treated gently. Instead, at a time when you need to be away from her, to gather your thoughts and get your emotions back together, she is relentlessly bombarding you with things she thinks will fix you. Threesomes, her not working, marriage counselling, the clingy affection…Why can’t she see that you do not need an enforced ‘cure’ from her? Maybe because she knows that if you are left alone to make your own mind up, you may decide you have had enough of her. So she isn’t going to let that happen, and her overbearing ignoring of your emotional state has driven you to a point where you think you need medication to blot it out.

I am sorry to say this, but what she is doing to you by ignoring the condition you are in is verging on abuse. You are being treated like a rag doll, your feelings ignored, being pulled left and right, when what you need is to be left alone by the person who caused all your distress so that you can recover properly. Your pain cannot be mended with a quick fix; what you have gone through takes time to make sense of, to understand, and to heal from. Your wife is not giving you the time or space that you need, and you are suffering because of it. For the good of your health and well-being, you need to tell her to back off.

“Even though she has said she chooses me and our marriage, I still feel like I am worth better than this.”

You are worth much, much, much better. And how is it her choice to make??? The only one who has a choice is you, after what she did. And at heart, I think you want out of what is left of the marriage. And that is why your wife will not let you have any time away from her to do some independent thinking, free from her influence. Instead, she is going to batter you relentlessly with one cure after another until she has forced you back into a marriage that she has decided she wants again after she made the decision to leave it. And now she wants it, so she is going to make you go along with that, regardless of what your feelings may be. It’s no wonder you feel like you need to be sedated.

Seriously, you really need time away from her to figure out what you want, and until you know what you want, there is no point to go to marriage counselling. Some individual counselling for you would probably be good, but it’s way too soon for MC. You need healing that is separate from your wife, and focused on you.

Take care, Yankees, and please, please be good to yourself, and if you need to be away from your wife, make it happen. It is clear that the things your wife is doing to you are not making you feel better.

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:53 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

Yankee, how are things going?

This is a pretty tough time so hoping you're doing well. How about the kids? are they back on speaking terms with your WW yet?

We went to a counseling session, I'm not sure why or what she was expecting. The counselor was "too harsh" on my wife and she doesn't want to go to that same one again. It was this woman who wasn't "very nice to her". I let her know she needs to hear the harsh truths and if she can't handle it then she can leave. She also complained about how I don't have sex with her now and won't touch or respond to her affection. I told her I think it's fake and she's trying to assure me that it's not. She is also looking for a new job. No I have not decided to R. This is too difficult of a decision although some people may think it's so black and white.

Throughout the session she shifted the blame onto me and then started to blame herself, like it should be. She is fully to blame for her affair. No one is speaking to her, and she's received an anonymous letter in the mail calling her a whore and other things.

Last night she had a breakdown and against my better judgement I let her cry onto my chest. She was also drinking, and started telling me how sorry she is and that she loves me more than anything in the world. Fortunately I did not let my emotions get to me and kept my composure. Ended up with her falling asleep on me. I didn't like it, it hurt me so bad having this woman who betrayed me so bad in the comfort of my arms. Yet unfortunately I still find that I don't like to see her upset. Our marriage was very good pre her affair, I have looked at all angles and can't understand why she had to do this.

[This message edited by yankees99 at 2:36 PM, April 9th (Sunday)]

Sounds like you are doing "ok" yankee. She is at the start of having some consequences to her actions. Like you not wanting to have sex with her (boo fucking hoo)sex seems to be her major form of currency to get her way (affair, offer of 3 way, current complaint), having to find another job, no one to talk to and fan mail...

A good IC or MC will have some harsh comments, comments she doesn't want to hear because they are true. Sort of like trainer who pushes you to push yourself, as opposed to jogging to the donut shop with you.

Allowing her to fall asleep was you being a human, you still care for her more than she cares for you but you are not a robot.

You had lived the dream. When you first got on this journey, and you both had asked, "what kind of marriage and family do we want to have" 20 years down the line, wouldn't that have been the exact marriage you actually had?

She fell in love with another man, and she went to test drive him for a week. For whatever reason, she still wants you. What was the reason? Number one, your marriage had long ago passed the "butterflies" phase; number two, opportunity came knocking, other man blew smoke up her ass, and incubated butterflies in her stomach, and I guess for whatever reason she couldn't see the whole picture, and what happens next in her actions, the consequences.

"wasn't nice" ... "too harsh" ... "she shifted the blame onto me and then started to blame herself" ... "she complained" ... "she had a breakdown" -- she still has a ways to go. Take your time.

It is normal to still have feelings for her and to feel protective over her.

Everyone has some missteps. Most BHs are not able to become stone cold. Though it does not feel like it, you're doing ok.

As for you're wife opening up about her feelings while drunk, liquor can act as a truth serum. So I think her pouring her heart out could be sincere.

It's good that you have a counselor that's calling her on her BS. So many times we read here of them protecting the WW and encouraging rug sweeping. I would insist on keeping this one.

Looks like you are heading for reconciliation. Are you facing nice guy syndrome or do you really value the marriage you had before and you are taking a conscious decision taking pros and cons in to consideration. Is informing her former employer what actually happened still an option so that the OM face some consequences? This is a way to check whether your wife come to know about it possibly through the OM

[This message edited by goalong at 6:41 PM, April 9th (Sunday)]

Goalong I wish it was that easy. I feel completely in the middle to be honest. Sometimes I wake up and think ok let's give this marriage a shot, other days I can't stand the sight of her and avoid her basically the whole day. Kids are not talking to her, I came home and she reeked of liquor and had been crying in the living room. She asked if I wanted to watch a movie and then just started crying during it pretty hard and told me about the letter and how the kids won't talk to her. I let her know her consequences are well deserved, she seemed to get annoyed that I said that. Then she became inconsolable and told me she just wants a hug. Looking at this woman who I've lived protected in pain hurt me in the moment. Then during it i regretted it, she was making physical contact and was saying she loved me. It cheered her up and then she fell asleep on me.

I wanted her to get off me honestly. I didnt enjoy it but I just wanted to show compassion towards her. She didn't show an ounce to me and I have to remember that.

Yankee- Sometimes it sucks to be a decent, compassionate human being...

You will swing back and forth much like a pendulum, eventually finding some sort of equilibrium. Which may be D or may be R. It will take time. Hang in there you are doing well.

Yankee, while making your decision, don't fall into the trap of the status-quo bias.

Yankee:

So maybe this is just me projecting my thoughts and feelings into your situation but I can certainly understand your anger and your distaste for your WW right now. I suspect that it is going to be like this until you decide if you can come to terms with everything that was done.

It's one thing when a person finds out that their spouse has strayed, sometimes you can rationalize that and sometimes you can't. The true struggle in your case and so many others I've seen is when they leave for the other man.

Sometimes its only for a little while (like your wife leaving for a week) and sometimes its for longer like 6-12 months. Basically she slapped you across the face with the OM genitals. To most men this would be the ultimate disrespect. Marriage isn't a job that you just take a vacation from.

As we often hear it is the actions of waywards that speaks far loader than their words and to this point your WW actions have spoken volumes. Has she made any attempt to explain why she chose him over you? Are you going to be OK going forward or are you always going to feel like the back up plan (plan B)?

There is going to be a long and very painful road ahead if you chose to R and none of us can say whether or not that is the right choice but what I will say is that if this is something that you will never be able to get over than it is best to move on now instead of spending years in pain and then coming to the decision that you can't move past it. Keep in mind that I don't mean today, don't make any decisions for a couple months at least. give it time for the rawness of the situation to settle down. But don't drag it on for 5 years thinking you'll get over it. you'll know soon enough if its something you can get past.