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What's the difference? We aren't in MC anymore because we've been doing things ourselves. We read, talk, listen to podcasts, discuss, argue, cry, hug, do new things, do old things--etc. we ARE working and things ARE different in our relationship. But as the shock fades and the pain becomes more manageable I wonder if we are just rug sweeping of if we are truly moving forward. (We're just over 5 months out)

[This message edited by ProudMary at 9:06 AM, January 27th (Friday)]

At seven months out, I think the distinction is both people are processing the stuff -- or ignoring it.

I think only I can know if I'm moving forward or rugsweeping and my only evidence if my fWW is 'all in' or withholding is by watching her actions. We're still in MC and IC, but probably not for much longer. We've turned a couple big corners and while we have a long way to go, we're both optimistic about pushing through this.

You can only answer that question for certain as it pertains to you. When you hurt, do you share or do you stuff it? When something bothers you, do you voice it or do you pretend it doesn't exist? As for your spouse, you can get a feel for where they are by their actions. How does he respond when you bring up the A? Is he making different choices than before? When you are doing the things you mentioned above, is he invested and putting in work?

I think I thought I saw normal to wonder if you are rugsweeping when some semblance of a new normal starts to emerge. The fact that you're questioning it, it probably a good sign that you aren't.

Rug sweeping is ignoring that it happened and pretending everything is fine. It is not bringing it up ever because it's unpleasant. We are moving forward and have been for some time. But the A still comes up when appropriate - we watch something on TV that brings it to the forefront or we see a couple struggling. The A is now part of the fabric of your relationship. You can move forward and still bring it up. The difference for us now is it's more just "oh this happened. It sucks. We both hate it. Now let's go play cards." Instead of gobs of crying and questions, etc.

To me, rug sweeping is trying to act like the affair never happened. Discussing the A is avoided in order to "keep the peace" or "not rock the boat." The work to figure why the WS cheated and to fix those individual dysfunctions is not done. Instead, superficial explanations (blame shifting) are accepted instead of the real reasons being found and addressed. The problems inside the WS are not resolved and the dysfunctional issues are still in play. It's basically doing the exact same thing all over again, but still expecting a different result the next time around. It's a recipe for disaster.

Moving forward is what happens naturally when the affair is fully processed and learned from. The reasons for the WS cheating is fully explored and addressed. The WS overcomes the dysfunctions that led them to choose to cheat. Empathy for the BS takes priority over keeping the peace. The BS sets the pace of R according to their healing. Many times, the BS is traumatized so the resulting PTSD must also be healed. Ideally, the WS does the work to become a healthy and safe partner in life. That means developing patience, overcoming their control issues, developing compassion, overcoming their thoughtlessness and impulsive tendencies, overcoming their selfishness, etc. After the BS works through the trauma (however many years that takes), the BS also becomes healthy but in a different way. That means overcoming any co-dependency issues they have, getting tough in standing up for themselves and their rights, learning how to identify emotional abuse from their WS and adopting a zero tolerance for it, and learning how to enforce their boundaries, etc.

For me, moving forward doesn't mean acting like his A's never happened. It's about learning how to accept that his A's happened and learning to live with it as a part of our lives from here on out. As I heal, they naturally become part of the background instead of being completely front and center in everything we do.

Thanks for the replies. This helps!

Some great answers.

They are two different things, really. Rug sweeping is the erroneous "forgive and forget" advice I seem to get from well meaning but ignorant people. It should be "forgive and learn from experience so this sort of thing will never happen again, cultivating communication and positivity in full consideration of this tragic trauma."

Rug sweeping is denial. It's trying to avoid the pain of dealing with something when it really must be truly dealt with, lest it manifest in festering, buried resentment.

Moving forward is the decision to release punishment, acknowledge the healthy steps a wayward makes to heal their brokenness, and build trust. Moving forward doesn't require the absence of past misdeeds, in fact,I think it requires mindfulness of them - how better to measure progress in this case?

And what is the value of trust that was rebuilt in the knowledge of full truth and cognizance of ultimate betrayal? It is not innocent, but it is good!

Doesn't sound like you guys are rug sweeping, but for most people whatever progress you're making now is kind-of like a first responder on the scene with someone who is missing a limb. You may be stopping the bleeding, but the real pain and hard work, if you can believe it, is once the patient (i.e. the relationship) fully realizes what is missing. Once they have to accept that things will never be the same, that how their vision of the future playing out is changed irreparably. The significance of that was lost on me until at least 1 1/2 years out from DDay. You're likely still in shock.

That's not to say that you can't enjoy this time and try to make meaningful progress, but there's a good chance you'll be taking a lot of steps backwards at some point before you are truly moving forwards in a lasting way.

Best wishes to you.

IMO, if you keep musiclovingmom's questions in mind, and if the answers all say you're both addressing your own issues, you're healing.

If you avoid issues, you're rug sweeping.

Look, every M has issues. Even choosing what food to cook and eat is an issue. R is largely a process of raising and resolving issues in ways that satisfy both partners. If you're doing that, you're moving on, IMO.

If you have not denied what happened, if you have asked all of the questions and gotten all of the answers (at least for the moment...your perspective will change over time), then at some point you will be best served by moving past the thoughts when they come up. Suppressing them, cloud watching them, not engaging in them. Just decide that you've already wrestled with that and go forward. If he makes you not feel safe later, you can/will revisit.

Take a look at the book Surviving the Survival. Key adaptive strategies for long term success are (my emphasis below)...

Adaptive Strategies

Sublimation - do something to channel your energy and anxiety

Altruism - do something for someone else

Suppression - don't think about your trauma; distract yourself from it

Anticipation - see the future clearly and prepare for it

Humor - be able to laugh at yourself and your misfortune - one of the most healing abilities of all

Bad strategies

Projection - blame someone else

Passive Aggression - respond with anger

Dissociation - be in denial

Acting Out - impulsive behavior

Fantasy - take leave of reality

Such great thoughts--thanks to all you. Noosa I hear you. I have no illusions that we're recovered, but I do feel better about how we've handled the triage. HouseofPlane Thanks for the recommendation, I'll check it out.

The BS needs to put the affair away eventually if they want to be happy and move forward. However when that happens is only decided by the BS, not the WS. I know first hand that WSs want to rug sweep and move on ASAP. LOL They don't want to own their shit, they want to bury their shit and act like it never happened.

Moving forward does mean that the BS needs to put the affair behind them, but only when the BS is healed and ready and makes that decision.