SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's often said here that the person in the relationship who cares the least has the power.

And it's probably obvious but I realized that part of the reason I still feel insecure four years out is that my H has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me less than I love him. Yes, I know his A was about his issues and not me, and not about our M (we had a "happy" marriage), and yes he has changed a lot and works hard to make me feel loved and adored, but...there it is. That fact can't be changed. I would never dream of hurting him like that--he more than dreamed it.

Sigh.

For me the roles reversed.

Before DDay, I loved her more than she loved me. She had the power, felt I was disposable, and believed she could get away with anything.

Now it's the other way around. If I have any doubt of her veracity in our marriage in terms of faithfulness, or crossing boundaries, I am gone. I am ready at any time to flip that switch, divorce her, and move on.

Don't get me wrong though. I never rub her nose in what she did. I never am angry, or abusive in the slightest with her. BUT I know that I don't NEED her in my life... I like to have her around, and I want to stay married to her. However I am very firm in that I will never go through anything like this ever again. So if I sense anything untoward, I am out the door and I'm not looking back.

Maybe that's my problem, nightmare. Although I know that I would be fine without him and would be gone if he cheated again I STILL feel that I love him more. I don't know if he's capable of the kind of love I give him.

Give yourself more time. There is no rush.

Start doing thing YOU enjoy for yourself. Find a new hobby. Take a night class in something fun that interests you. Strike out on your own, while staying in your relationship.

We are not our relationship. We shouldn't define ourselves by who we sleep with. Ideally, you should be a strong, interesting, self reliant person who happens to be married. Our relationship is only a part of who we are.

I'm hoping that what I'm feeling is true and not clutching at what's left but since his A came to light he def has proved he loves me very very much, and the thought of losing him has made me realise how I feel about him too. Before I think I loved him more than me, now I think he loves me more, role reversal. It's made me stronger as a person.

I'm not saying it's all lovely bc it's a freaking nightmare but I'm getting more days now where I don't think about A and if do I quickly talk myself round, I think it's put everything in perspective for us and we both realise how we feel, but like you said, if he even so much as texts another woman he knows he's a gonna without discussion. I'm a strong independent woman who raised twins and a baby alone so I can certainly survive should he feel the need to go down that road again!

I think a more accurate way of saying it in the context of our happy little group is 'the person who cares least about reconciliation has the most power in it'... As with one of the above posters my fww has been and is desperate to stay in reconciliation. I am prepare to walk at any time.

I'm not saying that is my plan and while I only stayed in the marriage because she signed off on a cy favorable post-nup her consistent hard work and profound attitude/personality change have kept me staying. Over the last 5 years I have been warming up to it and more involved but if we called it quits righ now - I would be fine.

So is there a love imbalance in our relationship? Yup - if the hard work and consistent effort stop or she ever backslides into infidelity behavior again - I'm done.

Thanks nightmare. I am independent and do all kinds of fun and interesting things, either with friends or by myself. I also am a professional with a business. I think I'm pretty kickass! I enjoy doing things with my H also and he has made more of an effort to nurture our M.

But still.

Jinx I felt much like you early on. We were so passionate about the relationship and he was so desperate not to lose me. Things have settled into a new normal which is much better than it used to be but he does not seem to be trying as hard. I realize that's somewhat natural after awhile but at times I do feel like I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them. Someone who would never, ever cheat. But of course there are no guarantees.

It's often said here that the person in the relationship who cares the least has the power.

While I think it certainly has a ring of truth to it, true balance seems extremely rare - even with the relationships I know who are not dealing with infidelity.

Someone pointed out the primary difference between BS and WS - we can't even imagine hurting them by being with someone else.

Inherent imbalance right there - the key for them is understanding that pain well enough to not want to make that choice ever again. It gets some balance back -- some.

Your power is choice. Choice to forgive or not, stay or go, etc. Although there should be at least a slight shift in power based on your requirements (boundaries, actions, being all in).

You're right OldWounds; perfect balance is unlikely. I've certainly been in relationships where the guy was more into me. (However I still wouldn't have cheated!) However I want more balance in my M, especially now.

One of the dynamics going on in my M is that my H feels that he is at a constant disadvantage now (deserved, as he says) due to his previous behavior. He feels I hold the Ace. So he feels a different power imbalance. Although I don't throw the affair in his face (but rarely) I do remind him of his promises to be the "husband I deserve", "do the work" etc. I'm not willing to keep quiet and except less. So there's a bit of a struggle there too. I know if I hurt him that badly I would be jumping out of airplanes and painting myself blue if that's what he needed to help him heal, but that's not how it goes around here. But again, I appear to love him more than he loves me! Or we are just very different in our approaches.

catlover50 - hopefully not too much of a struggle to get the husband you deserve.

Ask him if he is more concerned about having to work for the M he damaged or being with you at all.

Of course you hold the Ace.

He gave up any cards he had when chose to try and destroy his M.

The obvious aside, he should want you to hold the cards and be glad you are willing to give him this new chance. You may not get complete balance, but you shouldn't feel like he is bummed without the "ace" anymore.

So if you are recognizing how you feel about these things, what are you planning to do about them?

Your H has shown you that he is only willing to do so much in this M and he does not have the internal checks to keep himself in line. For whatever reason that is, and there could be many reasons that have not been explored. But it is the way it is. So what do you want to do about that? Can you accept it and stay in this M, or do you need to get out because it is unacceptable?

Hi tiredgirl!

Yes, that is the question that I am currently struggling with. I said almost that exact thing this morning to my H. I know he is capable of only so much. I now have about 80% of the marriage that I desire; for years I lived with 30%. Is that good enough? If he doesn't change more is he destined to cheat on me again?

Right now I have told him that after our family Christmas vacation if he hasn't made big changes (which is unlikely) that I want him to move into an apartment; no more basement living. We are scheduled for another trip in March, so that gives us a few months to each consider where we are at.

BTW; he says that while in the past his actions did not match his words and he did not show the kind of love I deserve, he feels that his love is complete and equal now. My response to that was that it was just words; I'm waiting for the action. While I have definitely seen some, there is more that he has promised and not delivered; hasn't really even seemed to try on some things; primarily the deeper, scarier work. I realize that it is hard but I am tired of waiting. He asked me to be patient but I reminded him that it has been over four years!

I think that it is interesting that he expects you to be more patient. Do you feel that this is asking a lot of you?

I think an actual separation could be a good think considering that he seems to not take you seriously.

I'm waiting for the action. While I have definitely seen some, there is more that he has promised and not delivered; hasn't really even seemed to try on some things; primarily the deeper, scarier work.

I can relate on so many levels.

(((Hugs)))

Yes, I think more patience is asking a lot of me, since the pattern is that he says he will do something (read a book, for example) and that he will do it by the end of October. So now it is December and once again he feels under the gun so he picks up the book and reads two pages. And if I said nothing it would end there.

So I am definitely part of the problem since I have been endlessly "patient" (enabling).

That statement seems accurate for my marriage. For the longest time, I was far more invested in our marriage than my WH was. He walked all over me. Since D-day, D is forever on the table for me. He definitely wants this marriage more than I do. I don't walk all over him, but I do firmly enforce my boundaries and refuse to tolerate the intolerable any longer. WH no longer tests me or tries to push my limits because he knows I am fully prepared to D him at any given point in time. I know I'll be just fine without him.

And like you, I spent the first year after D-day being patient with my WH in the hopes that he would finally "get it." All he did was use my patience to his full advantage. He mistook my kindness for weakness. After I got fed up with is crap, I lowered the boom on him and I leave no room for doubt that my kindness is not weakness. Maybe it's well past time to start getting fed up and to adopt a tough love approach to your life. That tough love isn't about telling your WH what to do. It's about refusing to accept someone else's bare minimum simply because you love yourself too much to settle for less than someone else's best.

I like it, furious1!

I know that I can't keep moving the line and expecting that he will magically change.

Yes, I think more patience is asking a lot of me, since the pattern is that he says he will do something (read a book, for example) and that he will do it by the end of October. So now it is December and once again he feels under the gun so he picks up the book and reads two pages. And if I said nothing it would end there.

Same - literally the exact same behavior.

MissesJai--nice to know I'm not alone!

My struggle is that perfectly self aware and emotionally healthy people are not likely to have gotten us into this mess in the first place, so I'm not sure what is reasonable to expect. I know what I would do, but I don't have all the baggage that he does.

I know that I can only control myself, so that's my work.

oh you're not - believe me. Like you, I am fully aware that he doesn't know what he doesn't know. I can be understanding and sympathetic but not at the expense of my heart. Your statement reminds me of a passage I read in "The Emotionally Unavailable Man" - specifically about the men who come into her office claiming they had a perfect childhood, perfect parents, no wounds, no scars - ok, well if your childhood was so perfect, why is your marriage falling apart????

I know that I can only control myself, so that's my work.

Absolutely. Same with me. I slipped recently and my heart paid a hefty price but my focus is back on me. Their issues are theirs to address, or ignore - whatever they choose. It's up to us to keep our side of the street clean, to remain focused on ourselves and our healing, and to fight the urge to be co-dependent. As far as reasonable, IMO, that's subjective. I think part of our work is defining what is reasonable to US.