SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I trigger on statistics, especially statistics that aren't backed up by something akin to good logic.

I've read 60 percent of marriages have infidelity. Statistically longer marriages have a higher R rate. WH says that the longer the couple stays together after DDay, higher odds of R.

Gently, don't believe everything you read.

The best statistics we have on infidelity come from the General Social Survey. The latest numbers I've seen are that about 27% of men admit to cheating in a relationship - not necessarily M - and about 19% of women. That comes to a lot less than 60% of Ms.

My bet is that longer Ms have lower rates of cheating, based on the ages of SIers. Most seem to be under 50, and a whole lot are under 40. Kids.

A lot of websites claim much higher rates of cheating, but if you look at them critically, they are trying to sell something to readers.

OMG psychmom... this is IT. You know this right? "I know him better today than at any other point in our marriage" and (on his 3rd IC) he likely knows himself better than he has in his ENTIRE life. And the more atuned to yourself part? Literally, the point of life - and in the best cases, the outcome of all life's pain.

You have more than survived this. SO nice to see it in writing.

Healing. Hard f'ing work, but SO SO worth it!!

It is great to see your name/post, dragonflies! Yes, it has been more than simply surviving. And it needed to be. I wasn't looking to be changed or awoken or have my cozy world imploded, but it apparently needed to happen. Mother nature sure made sure I heard my wake up call! Thank you for acknowledging my progress. Funny, being here where I am I can almost forget how I arrived. Life moves on, we all grow older, and hopefully more wise. I feel a million years wiser than I was when this started. And I'm happy to report that I am no longer haunted by the affairs/OW/nagging questions in the ways I once was. I hope that gives hope to others. We WILL survive infidelity, but even better, we can THRIVE

Although discovering the fact that I was married to a cheater was the worst day of my life, I would rather know the truth than live a lie. My H did not confess and said he planned on taking it to his grave. Because he did not confess I do believe that he would've continued in his wayward ways & cheat whenever a woman showed interest in him.

I've been thinking about this every day. My WH thinks the affair would have ended when she started trying to incorporate him into her personal life, which essentially is what happened. But I don't think that would have happened yet, if I didn't know.

I think right now, 6m from the start of the EA, the affair would be ongoing. I don't think it would have ended until she left her job, which is likely to be next month. She loved loved loved the secretive aspect. She was popping in on her ex-boyfriend on weekends while H was home with me and the idea of anyone finding out was so terrible to her that she TWICE convinced WH not to tell me even though her boyfriend knew and said he would tell me. That part SUCKS, because finding out from a stranger is really really really not fun.

Would it have ended eventually? Yes. Is that end in sight right now? Not even close.

If not for OW#2, I never would've known about OW#1. He was with her in 2006, and had no plans to tell me. Had OW#2 not been so confident and not pushed so hard, so fast, I do feel like he would've continued the A a lot longer. She started demanding more of his time and threatening to tell me if he didn't go to her when she wanted him too. As someone else mentioned, our disconnect was so large, and he pushed me so far away, I would have left him without knowing. I was getting to that point when OW#2 made their A known. She thought if I found out I'd leave him and she could have him. The A only ended because I saw a text she sent. It was innocuous, just saying she had a bad day and asked if he'd go get coffee with her, but it was enough to raise my radar. She was "my" friend, why was she texting him? She was going through a bad time, yes, but again, why text him? He claimed to not know. I still didn't think they were having a PA at that point. I just thought she was too close, so I made him block her. He claims now that either way, he was done with her that day. He swears he was never going to respond to her or go to her, that he was done, but I'll never know, since up to that point he didn't seem to have the ability to tell her no. A week later, after being unable to reach him, she went through my daughter to let me know what was going on...If I hadn't seen the text, if she was more patient?? We'd be in a different place right now. Like other's have said, it does no good to play the what if game. Doesn't stop me from playing a round now and then though...😞

I picked up on some little differences in her demeanor just a couple of weeks prior to the A beginning, then I walked in one night to find her on the phone in our bedroom (behind 2 closed doors) and she abruptly hung up the phone. I confronted the next day & was given a half confession where she said that she was having "inappropriate conversations" but that was all. Also gave me a fake name & made up where they met and how long things had been happening.

I actually asked her the same question. "If I hadn't found out on my own...if I hadn't walked in and caught the end of that call...if I hadn't asked you about any of this...would you have told me?"

Hearing her say "I wanted to, but I couldn't..." were some of the hardest words that I have ever heard.

Early on, those what if's haunted me. What if I had finished my workout instead of coming home early? What if I hadn't caught it in those first couple of weeks? Would it have gotten physical? Would she have done anything with the kids in the house (he was working on the master bath, so they would have had PLENTY of privacy)? What if...what if...?

Eventually, I had to realize that holding on to the what if's was actually keeping me a prisoner of my own mind. So, what if? It didn't actually happen. I was allowing myself to be controlled by something that never happened.

It wasn't an easy, quick sort of thing, but every time my mind started to wander to the "what if" world, I had to recognize that as a fantasy world, not reality, and bring myself back to what was real and what was true.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 5:50 PM, June 27th (Tuesday)]

Good response, Captain.

So many "what ifs" and this is one of the most huge. "What if I hadn't discovered?" There is just no way to know, is there? He has told me since the first time I asked that he likely would have since he was still "that guy" in many key ways.

Fast forward to nearly 3 years out. Still same answer from him, but today he has a very different mindset and many new skills, and can look at his situation differently. I understand now (as best I can) why he likely would have continued.... with no change in our relationship, there was no motivation for him to change. Sad but true.

But discovery changed everything. He's no longer that guy. Has new skills, new insights, healthier mindset overall. It's painful for him to go back and revisit that time, but we do from time to time. He has no desire to ever live that way again. Live that low. He's had a taste of a better life and he wants to keep it.

Not to say we are guaranteed to be together forever, although that is what he claims to want. But this time, I do expect things to be above board, decisions made in consultation with one another. I have seen enough change to believe that despite the reality that just a few short years ago he was "that guy" who likely would have lived the cheater life until he found someone suitable to replace me, today he's a very thankful guy who has been given a chance to grow and change and prove his worth.

So the "what if" questions don't sting me as much as they did earlier. I'm coming to terms with the fact that he has changed, is capable of lasting change. For those early in this process, take comfort in knowing these once burning questions eventually become less important. Time. Work. Strength to be vulnerable to all that produces fear in us. These are the things that help get these thoughts out of our mind. And as Captain Rogers points out, it does little good to obsess on things that never happened. But I needed some way to lessen the fears raised early on by this question.

[This message edited by psychmom at 9:13 AM, June 28th (Wednesday)]

Psychmom, I could have written your post. I'm nowhere near where you are on this journey (not solidly in R yet, or even tentatively in R, I am in limbo with what I want to do) but had to respond because the "what if" question haunts me. My WH would not have stopped any of his infidelity without my finding out (he had EA/PA which I discovered which led to TT about him paying for sex at strip clubs). The latter I would never have found out because he paid cash and it was always on nights when he had reasons to be out professionally.

Unlike your WS, mine thinks he would have ended the affair on his own. I don't believe him. I think something would have happened that perhaps forced it to end (AP constantly referred to the A in emails to him as a "beautiful disaster" and I could see it ending in some sort of disastrous situation, especially given that her spouse has a violent criminal record). But yes, I do think all the time that I could be sitting here right now, completely oblivious to WS double life and the thought makes me sick. It's bad enough I spent most of my marriage oblivious.

I know I need to work on getting past these thoughts if I want to R. It's still too raw but I hope I get there.