Shit. Shit. Shit. Shitty shitty shit shit. Nothing ever goes according to plan.
It started so well. My girls came home today – it’s been two months since we’ve seen them and having them there when I got home from work was really wonderful. Open duffle bags and suitcases on the floor, bags of dirty laundry, typical stuff. The boys were all over them. Were so happy to have them back. Told them all what they did over the summer, camp, etc. My wife cooked dinner for us and it was a truly great evening. But, after the boys went to bed, we had to talk to them. They would have noticed me sleeping downstairs, so we wanted to preempt it. It didn’t go well. Before we sat them down I took my wife to the side and I asked her not to say anything about the reason. How important it was to me that they hold on to their vision of her. She’s their role model. Not that she’s perfect, far from it – and my girls know this. My wife has always been great about apologizing to the girls if she does something to them she thinks is wrong like on a rare occasion when she’d get upset and yell. But this is in a different league altogether and while there are things they can learn from this, now wasn’t the time. Whatever. I asked her again, that no matter what, please don’t tell them. She disagreed with me. Felt she should tell them. Told her my reasons. She understood but said she lied for so long, she just wants to stop with all the lies. I asked her to respect my wishes and she said it’s not about respecting me. It’s about doing what’s right. It’s about what’s true. But in the end, she reluctantly agreed.
And it went downhill from there. God - this is so very fresh. This is gonna be hard to write, but I’ve replayed it over and over already. I started out doing most of the talking. I told them that we love them very much but that Mommy and I were going through a difficult patch and that we had a number of issues we were working through. And that I was sleeping downstairs. They were shocked. Stunned faces. Deep breaths. Then my 16 year old asked if we’re getting divorced. I said we hadn’t discussed divorce – that we’re not there. That we were trying to deal with the issues we had, and that we had positive outlooks, but still need to work things out. And that no matter what Mommy and I were working through, we loved them and will always be there for them. My 16 year old started crying. My wife was sitting there looking horrible. Hands clenched in her lap. She was tearing. My 19 year old is no dummy, but she misread it. She started yelling at me. Wanted to know what I did wrong. I must’ve done something. She said to look at Mommy. Look how sad she is. What did you do? Why else would you be in the basement? She just started crying and kept asking me what I did wrong. And my wife was sobbing, and then she shouted that I didn’t do anything wrong, but then she clammed up and looked at me. The girls were so confused. My wife begged me with her eyes. She even mouthed “please” to me over and over. And I shook my head no. And my wife said to me that she was sorry, she was so, so sorry. But she couldn’t do this. She couldn’t let them think this. Not for her. She doesn’t deserve it. I asked her not to do it. I said please. And then my 19 year old asked what the heck was going on, and my 16 year old was crying and looked so damned lost, and then my wife just blurted out that she had an affair. And then she started bawling saying “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I cheated on him. I cheated. I cheated. Oh my God what did I do? I cheated. What did I do?” And then she threw up all over the carpet.
It was a mess (pun intended). My wife was crying on the floor, hugging herself and talking to herself saying she cheated and she was so sorry. My girls were shell-shocked. They were crying. And me? I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life.
I remember we had a pregnancy scare when my wife was pregnant with our oldest. 6 months in and one morning my wife calls me at work in a panic from home (there were no cell phones in those days). She woke up and there was blood all over the bed. I immediately called 911, gave them the address and rushed home to the hospital nearest to our apartment. Now, I worked on Wall Street at the time – was a junior analyst. We lived in Queens. It seemed like forever to get back. I was so scared. I prayed and prayed the whole way back. I made deals with God. Just save her. At least save her. It feels like that.
It’s out in the open now. My kids know. And that terrifies me. I can’t hide it. I didn’t even know I was hiding it. But it was like a dam had burst and now I was no longer in control of it. Not that I was doing a bang up job of being in control anyway, but it has a life of its own now.
The girls were simply crying on the couch looking back and forth between their mother and me. My 19 year old asked if it was true. I just nodded. I don’t know what I looked like. I just felt like a deflated balloon. They didn’t yell at my wife. They just cried, while she cried. After a few minutes I asked the girls if they can help Mommy to the bathroom to clean up. And I got to work on the carpet. I’ve done it before. Ever have pre-teen slumber parties in your house when these girls eat way to much pizza and ice cream and cake and stay up all night giggling in sleeping bags in the basement? Had plenty of those. And of course, I’ve dealt with the aftermath of crying girls who threw up as a result too. I’m the person who always takes care of all things “gross” in my house. Bugs? Check. Really disgusting diapers? Check. Vomit? You betcha.
So my girls brought my wife back into the den. She had washed her face. She then told me she was so sorry but she needed to tell them. And then she told the girls that I had wanted to protect their image of her, even though she didn’t deserve it and she couldn’t let them think that any of this was my fault. She said that was she did was horrible and that she hurt me and them so much and that she’ll forever be ashamed of what she did. She wouldn’t blame them if they hated her for it, and she’s just so sorry she did this. And that she plans on figuring herself out and being here for me and for the girls and the boys and just being dedicated to her family, the most important thing in her life.
My 16 year old asked, so you guys are getting divorced? That’s what people do after an affair, right? So I said, no. We haven’t discussed it and haven’t come to any decisions. Right now we’re trying to figure all this out and we’re going to go to therapy. “But it’s a possibility?” I told her I won’t lie to her and that yes, it’s a possibility, but that I prefer to think positively.
I apologized to them for finding out this way. I apologized for trying to keep it from them. I told them the boys don’t know so please be careful to not tell them – they’re way too young. Also not to discuss it with friends or family members. They wanted to know who else knew – told them their aunts and uncles, but not their grandparents. And that their older sister doesn’t know, but now we’ll have to tell her. My wife said she’d do that. I asked them to have patience with me and Mommy, to give us space to work out what we need to do. To please be the wonderful girls they always are. To make sure to love Mommy even more now cause she’s going to need it and she’ll rely on them. And to always remember that we are a family. We are a team. And we’ll face whatever challenges there are together. I hugged them. Kissed them. They did the same to me. And then they both went over to my wife and did the same to her. She just started crying at that and thanked them. And kept apologizing. And then she thanked me. And then I left them in the den and went to go lie down on the sofa in the basement.
About an hour later my wife came down to apologize to me again for telling them. I asked her why she did it. She said that she read the printout of the book I gave her on how to help your spouse heal (Linda MacDonald's book) that morning. She had read it a week or so ago when I first gave it to her, but really just skimmed it. Said she was too wrapped up in herself and her own guilt and shame to focus on me. So she decided she wanted to read it again. And after she did it finally dawned on her that she's really only been focused on herself. And here I was, in obviously more pain than her yet I was still going to work and taking care of the boys while she's just been feeling sorry for herself. So she decided was going to get off her ass and do whatever she could to help me. Whatever that entailed. And that she wasn't going to be selfish anymore. And when I said I didn't want to tell the girls she went along with it because she wanted to help me and that's what I said I wanted and she was tired of being selfish. But then she was sitting there listening to the girls getting upset at me for everything that she did and I was just taking it and she felt was being selfish yet again. And she knew I told her this is what I wanted but she couldn't let me protect her from her own stupidity. That letting me bear the brunt of it would just be her being selfish again. Even if that's what I said I wanted. She said she understood why I didn’t want to and that it was very noble, but this needed to be done. How could she let the girls think I did something wrong when I didn’t do anything? This was her fault. She did this. And how can she own up to what she did if she’s busy hiding it from the people who matter most in her life? She apologized for not listening to me but said this was the right thing to do. And besides, she knows how much pain I'm in and that I'm not accepting help from her. But I'll need help. And love. And the girls can give that to me. Especially if we get divorced. And the least she can do is make sure they're there for me. She then said she’s going to tell her parents and my mom as well, and that she hoped I supported that. I just nodded.
You guys had put a whole bunch of thoughts into my head through your recent posts, and I've been really considering them, so I thought "what the hell" and that it would be a good time to tackle them. So, I asked her if she had a few moments to talk. “Whenever you need to.” I told her that my tests came back clean so far (she said Thank God) and that when she gets hers, can she please let me know right away and get me copies of the results? She said absolutely.
I asked her if POS had tried to contact her. She said no. She handed me her phone and offered to pull the phone records for me for both the cell phone and home phone if it would make me feel more comfortable. I said sure – that would be great. She didn’t flinch. She said okay. I asked if she was in contact with anyone else from volunteering. She said a few friends called to see where she’d been. Said she just disappeared on them. She said she told them she was dealing with a family emergency and had to stop volunteering. I asked if these friends knew about her and POS – she said maybe. It was never discussed, but her and POS were somewhat oblivious to everyone around them, so maybe they weren’t careful and while they never did any PDA’s, maybe it was still obvious to them. I asked her if POS tried passing a message on to her through them. She thought about that. Then she said not directly and she doesn’t know if it’s a message to her, but two of her friends did say that POS asked about her and had told them he missed her. And then she said that as soon as she heard that he said that about her she felt both disgusted and nauseous at the same time. I asked her what she said to them about that. She said she didn’t say anything. Just let it pass. I then reiterated NC. I told her how there really wouldn't be any hope for us if she broke NC. I told her how important it was and that if she wants to show me how honest she is or how transparent she’s being, then anything related to POS needs to be brought to my attention immediately. And that messages from “friends” definitely falls into that category. Is she willing to go along with that? “Absolutely.” I then said I wasn’t comfortable with her still maintaining contact with…she didn’t let me finish. “They’re gone. I won’t have anything more to do with anyone from any of the places I volunteered.” I said are you sure? Because if you commit to that and I find out later…she said absolutely.
So I told her that I hope she understands that from my perspective, I can’t trust her. Based on her words and actions over 5 months, she’s lied to me and betrayed me so much that her words don’t have any value. So while I appreciate what she says, it just doesn’t really mean much to me at this point. She nodded and asked what could she do then? I asked her if she’s put together the written timeline. She said she’s in the middle and thinks she’ll have it complete by the weekend. She is trying her best to write every detail down. I told her that I’d like to review it with her when it’s finished and ask her questions. She said sure. She then said that she'll answer anything I want, but she's concerned that her answering things may cause me more pain. She said she's not worried that I'll hate her more. She thinks I'm already there. She just doesn't want to keep causing me pain. But if I think it'll help me then she'll answer whatever I ask. I then asked her if I can send the answers and timeline to a polygraph examiner and would she be willing to take a polygraph test? She looked at me strangely at that but said yes. And then I said I know we told the kids we’re not divorcing, but you do realize I’ll likely have papers drawn up. She flinched at that. And then she said that she understood and if that’s what I needed to get past this, she’d hate it but she wouldn’t fight it and she’ll accept whatever terms I think is fair. But that she hopes it won’t come to that – and then she quickly added that it has nothing to do with money or respect or comfort – I raised my eyebrows at that – and she said we were dirt poor making $21,000 a year in New York with 2 kids. Money didn’t matter then and it doesn’t matter now. She said she knows she made the worst decision of her life. I asked her about that? I said “decision?” And she said yes. Decision. That she understands that she chose to do this – it didn’t just happen. And she said she wouldn’t call it a mistake. It wasn’t an accident. She may not have set out to sleep with him, but she could have said no at any point in time. It wasn’t like she “woke up one day and Lo and Behold! His dick was in her vagina.” I winced at that and she apologized right away for phrasing it that way. And then she said that she chose to do it the first time, and every time after. And she still doesn’t understand why. And she was so sorry that she did that to me. She said and that she wishes she never met POS and she knows that I may divorce her, and she knows I don’t believe her and may not want to hear this, but she loves me and divorcing her won’t make her stop loving me and it’ll be to her eternal shame that she didn’t remember that and pushed it aside when she took up with POS. And then she apologized again for everything and went back upstairs. And here I am at 1:00am typing again.
