I've posted bits of my story elsewhere but wanted to jump in here because it's one of the places I guess I actually fit.
I had an affair about 11-12 years ago. My husband never knew until I confessed to him about 9 years ago. He refused to go to counseling or really talk about it with me. He asked me maybe three questions and was done. I saw a counselor a few times but financially couldn't continue and felt kind of selfish for wanting to work on me when he didn't even want to invest in our marriage. Stupid, I know.
Fast forward about five years and he's acting distant and maybe depressed. I catch him sneaking a phone call and it's to his best friend. He tells me his miserable and wants to leave. He leaves that night, then goes out of town to a conference and while there texts with me some and basically says he'll keep trying but not with so many words, I don't think, more with the song, Close by Pete Yorn. We still never talk about it, or finances or anything of importance and I've long since learned I won't get anywhere even if I try asking.
A few years ago he started watching some kids. The boy was a friend of my son's and their divorced mother worked in a daycare so during the summer when my WH was off work he would watch them, sometimes at our house, sometimes at theirs because they have a big pool, so they didn't have to go to the day care all summer. It wasn't long before the other workers were spreading rumors that they were having an affair. He was furious and went to the owner and told him to tell his workers to stop the slander. About a year after that he actually did start pursuing a relationship with her. There were times I felt funny about it because her kids were rarely at our house anymore, he never talked to her on the phone in front of me (and I didn't realize how much he was on the phone with her) but he had no problems talking in front of me with another woman who we swap childcare with or having her daughter at our house. There were other things, but I always told myself he knew how bad it was, he'd never do that, I didn't have the right to ask what was going on or ask for what I needed, like him actually spending some time with me or holding my hand or whatever. When I did ask him to watch a movie with me it was like pulling teeth and when he finally agreed he stayed far away from me and fell asleep almost immediately. That hurt enough for me to know better than to ask again.
So, I got a phone call one morning from a guy telling me our spouses had been sexting. I confronted my husband that night and he told me that he wanted a divorce, he was miserable, he couldn't stand to be around me, and he left. He'd already basically been out of the house for two months before dog sitting (and apparently he actually was). We hardly talked or saw each other all weekend. The other woman's husband asked me to look at his phone records to see how often they'd actually talked on the phone because he couldn't see his wife's history and in doing so I realized he made about 10xs the number of phone calls to the kids' mom as he did to me. And there were other numbers that he was calling frequently and spending long periods of time on the phone talking. So four days after DDay1 I called him as he was leaving the OW's house from watching her kids after school and told him to take our kids to a friend's house and come home to talk. He did and this time he told me about the 2 year affair he'd had with her, and that there'd been another person as well during that time. He repeated that he wanted a divorce, didn't love me, was miserable, that he had tried to get over my affair but couldn't. I begged him to at least try for the sake of our kids. He finally left, went and talked to a friend who had a similar history who told him to get on his knees and pray and go see a counselor. So he came back and told me he would say it was over yet, called the other woman to tell her I knew and it was over (even though he'd been telling her the whole time he was leaving me) and he moved out for good.
We've been living apart for five months now. We didn't make a formal NC agreement, his actions of calling her on his own and then blocking her on his phone were reassuring to me. We were both in such shock it took about a month for us to each get started in IC. A week after DDay I saw that he'd called her and asked why. He said he'd really hurt her but implied that was it. I noticed some longer phone calls to a certain number and looked it up. I knew it was probably nothing but confronted him anyways and he explained the situation in a way that was very believable and said there was no one else. So I continued to trust him. Then in July my son said something about playing a video game with his friend and I asked when that was. He said the time they came over to fireworks and I thought I was going to throw up. So then I confronted WH about and he said he had contacted her and seen her twice, once with the kids and once without but nothing happened. Later in MC, which we did just so that I could ask questions about the affairs, he said that she saw him for what he is, a liar. And that she'd told him she didn't want to wait anymore for someone who was just lying to her (or something to that effect). I can only imagine that she'd given him some sort of ultimatum about leaving me and starting back up with her because otherwise why would she see him twice? He said he'd contacted her because he was lonely. I'm sure he missed her and what they had, fantasy as it was.
We agreed to a controlled separation arrangement, or rather the counselor asked questions, I answered, he agreed with whatever I said. We'll revisit the relationship again around the six month mark. But last Friday was my son's 8th birthday and we had a party here. Afterwards I had to leave and do some work so he was here with the boys before taking them to his place (which doesn't have internet access). He then left his computer at our house Wednesday to let something download so I took the opportunity to look at his search history. I know he does most of on his phone, like he texts quite a bit, and none of that I have access to unless I were to ask and I never have because I don't know where we actually stand and when he's asked by the counselor he says he doesn't see a future for us. In his history I found that he'd looked up divorce without a lawyer in our state. Apparently after the party as he was sitting on the couch looking at his laptop, hopefully not while I was standing there talking with him :(
I feel like my world is dropping out again. I realize it could just be a momentary thing, but I honestly don't know. He says that his desire for intimacy with me (not sex, still had that but it definitely became sex, like we were fuck buddies, looking back on it now) died when I told him about my affair.
I don't know if he can come back from that. He's in a deep depression and has been for years, even feeling suicidal at times, but is such an expert in compartmentalizing that it only rarely slipped out and was noticeable by the people who know him better (although I'm not sure anyone really KNOWS him). Between the affair fog, the depression fog, and the years of bitterness towards me I don't know if there's hope.
There's so much more but that's probably already too much for this thread.
Has anyone else had a similar experience with a better outcome?