I am new to this thread.
Here is our story.
We met at age 17, and have been together ever since. I should have noticed various red flags back when I met H that he had issues, but I chalked them up to his age, and that boys will be boys.
I found a mega stash of porn mags within a month of dating him. It devastated me....he threw them out.
I came to realize that he was a mother-enmeshed man (covert/emotional incest victim) and he ALWAYS put her feelings above mine and allowed her to boundary stomp and say toxic comments to me...I took this, as I had no family (left home at 15) and H was all I had back then when we were dating.
After we married, I just hoped he would grow out of his mommy issues. I did also occasionally catch him viewing porn...I did get upset, and he would abstain for awhile.
7 years ago, I found a job I loved which included a lot of socializing with many people (a fitness center). I began to receive attention from other men; men who seemed more adult-like and emotionally available than my H. I began to emotionally disconnect from my husband due to the years of resentment and anger at his PA tendencies, emotional unavailability and mommy issues. I have to admit that I was a terrible wife to him during this time. I was 30, going to bars with friends and completely compartmentalizing my life into 2 parts: a) my married self, b) my work self. I met a man and formed a friendship with him after a few months...no dating, just subtle flirting. Once night he joined myself and a friend out to a club, I drank a little too much and wound up back at his house for a ONS.
During the act, I knew that what I was doing was wrong...I began to dissociate, and just wanted it over. I am an expert at dissociation due to working in the adult entertainment industry at a very young age-again, I had no parental support from the age of 15 and had lost my way-DH back then when he was just my BF knew what I did for a living).
Anyhow, the next day, I quit my job (I was only part-time, and looked elsewhere for a job) and shut down my facebook account. I never spoke to the OM ever again. I also never told H of my ONS.
Let's fast forward to June 2013. My son finds some pictures that he tells me "are bad" on his tablet. I look at them. There are 2 pictures of the same woman in lingerie...I notice a watermark...google it, and learn that the pictures were of an escort at a local agency. My heart sinks.
He swears he was just looking at pictures, and was not looking at escort agencies.
I don't believe him. I schedule a polygraph...he still denies doing anything and says he will gladly take the test to prove it to me.
he takes poly#1 and fails. He discloses that he had one encounter with an escort that same year (7 years ago) that I had my ONS (remember, he did not know I had my ONS yet). This is why he thought he could pass....that his ONS had happened so many years ago. I told him he would need to disclose EVERYTHING and would need to take another poly. He passes the next 2 polys...it was only once, and those pictures were from google images, not an agency, which I tested for myself...if you clicked on the picture it would take you to a page with just her pictures, and automatically download them to the tablet without you being aware. If he had been looking for escorts, there would have been so many pics downloaded while he went "shopping". He said he felt guilty for using porn and would sometimes "downgrade" to using pics to not feel so guilty. It is now very apparent that he has coping issues, and uses porn to self-medicate when stressed (he did not used to open up to me, as he didn't know how...both of his parents are emotionally stunted/unavailable as well)
I realized that I had to be honest myself and finally told him about my ONS. I offer to do a poly myself, which he says is not required as I read like a book during that time. He said he thought something was up as he felt so rejected and that I was emotionally absent for that entire year. He said he felt like crap that the only person he had in his life (he doesn't have many close friendships with other men, and no other siblings) was utterly rejecting him in every way. He said he felt he cold not approach me with his thoughts because it was clear I did not care about him (which I can say was true as I was completely disconnected from him...I didn't want him touching me).
In retrospect, after lots of soul searching, I now know I should have just left when it became evident that he would not put me first in the marriage. he was essentially "married to his mother". I threatened separation so many times before I had my ONS....I told him other men were interested in me....told him I was miserable etc....I should have done the right thing, and not had such shitty boundaries.
Anyhow, here we are...7 years later, 3 kids in the mix, trying to get through everything and it has been so tough on both of us.
I constantly compare what he did to what I did....I now know I cannot ever win doing this. We both fucked up and are broken people.
I hope we can get through this nightmare :(
[This message edited by datura222 at 1:39 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]