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Reconciliation :
Positive Reconciliation Stories


Bikingguy ( member #38103) posted at 1:45 AM on Sunday, February 17th, 2013

I will repost this is a separate post but thought I would share here first. FWW and I (at only 5 weeks from D day ) are having the best V day/ birthday weekend! She planned a day late V day of hiking in the morning and a Swedish massage after. Lunch afterwords. After getting rid of the kids for the weekend I surprised her with a trip out of town. Wine tasting today - this is a big step for me, I don't drink at all.,but it's her birthdays. Dinner out tonight.

Yes we are only at5 weeks out,but it does seem so easy to love each over again. I actually told her I was incredible happy with where we are, but also terribly said that we didn't fix this sooner.

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

posts: 730   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2013   ·   location: Socal
id 6223773

forgivingnow ( member #33549) posted at 9:08 PM on Tuesday, February 19th, 2013

Today is 23 months from initial dday. Like everyone on here my world as I knew it was shattered, I felt knives in my chest and did not think I would survive. Even though we were working on "us" and rebuilding our marriage my husband continued to TT & lie to me for 7 months. I found more information on his phone & thought our relationship was done. I had already forgiven him so I could move forward. I told him I loved him & we could move forward from anything but I deserved the truth & honesty, to be treated with respect, deserved love and passion and total committment. He answered all my questions that night, I saw his pain and remorse. I began to feel some peace as I had honesty.

We are surviving infidelity, together...We did not give up on each other. We no longer have a child centered marriage, we communicate what we need, we put each other first. My husband is a new man, he is more committed to me than he ever has been. Our priority is "us". I feel a love for him and from him that I did not think was possible. We choose to love and to do positive things for each other.

This is not easy. It has been the hardest and worst thing to happen to me. I still get sad, he holds me if I cry @ night, he's there for me if something triggers me, he's doing a wonderful job of loving me.

This has changed me, changed how I look at the world, I'm a different person, I am very strong. I think anyone who survives this is.

My life story has some really bad parts in it & a lot of pain but the road got me to where I am today. Today I am grateful for what I have and for my husband. He is the love of my life and I love him more than words can say. We communicate, have passion and great sex and we are best friends.

If we can make it through this,together, we can make it through anything.

So can you. Today is a gift.

Me-BS 57
M 37yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yours

posts: 747   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2011
id 6226858

whatamess11 ( member #37781) posted at 6:32 PM on Wednesday, February 20th, 2013

@ forgivingnow....Hi...This has brought tears to my eyes as it is so inspiring. This is what I hope and pray for each day. Everybody's stories are different, but one thing we all have in common is we've experienced infidelity in some manner.

In fact all 5 pages on this thread should be read and reread by people like me and my H who are in the process of R which we all know isn't easy. It takes a lot of fight to survive infidelity together as you said. My H and I are trying, and I guess that is all I can ask for. I'm thankful that he is trying to give me, our M, and himself a 2nd chance.

D-Day 7/6/12 - My A was discovered that day; he confessed of his A's the day after
HIM: WS/BS (Cantgetworse11)
US: Madhatters
Together 20 yrs, 2 children, and trying....

posts: 62   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2012
id 6227950

IForgiveHer ( member #37194) posted at 10:33 PM on Friday, February 22nd, 2013


[This message edited by IForgiveHer at 2:09 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

Me: BH 37
FWW: 37 (sosorryididthis)
DDay: June 29, 2012
Married 18 years, together 19
2 great kids
I have to stop dwelling on the past so I can stay excited about the future!

posts: 52   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2012   ·   location: Southern Oregon
id 6231327

lostnlove68 ( member #36766) posted at 6:45 PM on Friday, March 1st, 2013

Well we are still early in recovery but I am glad to see this topic on here. It gives hope that there really can be a happy ending. We still have good and bad days after just over 6 months for D day but they are getting much much better. He actually will walk away from a agruement, think about it, come back and apoligize if he is wrong, and talk it out. Something he never did before. When I am having a bad day and he is away working, I am actually able to call him at work and he will take my call, something that has NEVER happened before unless an emergency. I would never abuse this and he knows it. The first time in over 10 years that he tells me if I need to talk, its OK to call ( he works on remote sites and can not always talk at work). This may sound strange to some or like its no big deal but its huge to me as my husband is married to his work while at work. He sends me little emails here and there while at work as well just to let me know he is thinking about me or to check that I am ok or having a good day. He just took me on one trip and we have another one planned next month (the last trip was more business but allowed us to visit some family and friends). This next trip is all about us and doing something we both love and to rekindle our romance without being interupted. Anyway, just wanted to share since I its only fair to write the good as well as the bad like I did in the past. I think we are on the road to recoverly, god I hope so !

No kids
Married 12 years
Been together 29 years
Me 44
Him 45
DD Aug. 21 2012 the day after we stared to build a new house in a new country.

posts: 68   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2012
id 6240416

poopylala ( member #30119) posted at 8:57 PM on Monday, March 18th, 2013

We celebrated our 6 year anniversary on Vday and are now about 2.5 years out from Dday.

Recent life stressors have been a major issue with each of us lately but the awesome thing is that we learned so much after Dday in IC and MC that we've applied to all areas of our lives. We take everything one step at a time, are honest and open with everything and it's just been so incredible!

In one way, I am happy that we were forced to look at our relationship and that we decided to fix it together. Do I wish it happened differently? I'm not sure because I don't know if anything else would've been a strong enough wake up call for us both.

"To err is human;To forgive,divine"

<3 DS always

posts: 1035   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2010   ·   location: Houston, TX
id 6262602

AFrayedKnot ( member #36622) posted at 12:11 PM on Thursday, March 28th, 2013

Thank you all for your positive stories!!!!

Do I wish it happened differently? I'm not sure because I don't know if anything else would've been a strong enough wake up call for us both.

I completely agree with this for us. Something catastrophic was bound to happen. It happened exactly the way it had to.

BS 48fWS 44 (SurprisinglyOkay)DsD DSA whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better."Knowing is half the battle"

posts: 2859   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2012
id 6276138

HappyRunner ( new member #38484) posted at 11:08 AM on Saturday, April 6th, 2013

I am so glad that this thread exsists. We are in reconciliation and this week was really good. It is great to see that people "make it" as there are so many other stories out there. We have found a great MC and it is really giving us a new tool set. Next weekend we will be 8 months out from D day. Listing to my gut; I know that we are going to make it. The hard part is shutting out all of the negativity from outside forces. We are learning to build boundaries around our relationship and making "us" a priority. I love the comment that this is not a story....just an ugly chapter in a great novel. I am off to run my half marathon, take my life back, become a better person and enjoy this NEW life!

BS (me): 43
WH: 46
DD: 4
D Day: August 14, 2012
Married: 17 years; together 20
OW: Just a fly I want to swat away
"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty" - May

posts: 38   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6287870

Bikingguy ( member #38103) posted at 8:21 PM on Thursday, May 16th, 2013

This poor thread needs an update! Hate that is has been a month and no good stories posted. So I will share.

Last Friday was date night. Nothing extra special. We got the kids a pizza and headed out for dinner. Wait was over an hour - which typically really upsets me. I was not happy, but we sat and talked and time went pretty quick. After dinner a little walk through the mall looking for a gift for her mom. Card shopping - Women take forever! Then ice cream for dessert.

A quiet evening with my wife, and the kids did not burn down the house I would call that a positive R story.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

posts: 730   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2013   ·   location: Socal
id 6338365

AFrayedKnot ( member #36622) posted at 12:52 AM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

Almost 18 months ago to the day was Dday. A year ago I could barely leave the house. All day was one giant panic attack.

Yesterday I think I had my first Trigger Free Day.

As I was laying in bed last night I was inventorying my feelings throughout the day. I could not think of one moment that I was in a rut. I'm sure there were passing thoughts but none that invoked any negative feelings.

I was grateful for the present. I was hopeful for the future. I was in the moment. I was free.

I decided to put this on the permanent record.

BS 48fWS 44 (SurprisinglyOkay)DsD DSA whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better."Knowing is half the battle"

posts: 2859   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2012
id 6351327

huRtZ413 ( member #39214) posted at 11:13 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

its only a month out dday but so much has happened over the time yea lots of fights and crying but i know hes sorry and hes doing everything right which is why im in shock now hes the "alpha" guy never bow down or say your sorry or look weak , but hes laid down his pride for me shared his feelings has opened up and says hes been doing it wrong all along but never again will he rug sweep with me that me and our girls is all he has and wants to give us the world that he swears to protect this marriage with every inch of his life and never let a worthless person risk our happiness again .

i love this man though i still hurt his attuitude and him knowing what hes done a determination to make a change with not just him but our entire marriage getting rid of all distractions and making it about us was alot that he has done in a short amount of time this man is serious about me and my girls he is hanging on for dear life at my beck and call and i love to know i mean that much to him . he is so hard and cold to other ppl but has been so soft to me that most wouldnt believe it . he would just tell them this women (me) is responsible for the person i will become she controls me lol .....yeah hes back in line i know we have ALOT of work ahead but right now today i feel good



posts: 278   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2013
id 6352448

HurtButHopeful? ( member #25144) posted at 6:32 PM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2013

I'm so glad this thread has been started! On days when I am in a "funk" about R I can come here and get a shot-in-the-arm to hang in there.

4 years from DD#1 and 1yr 3 mos from DD#2. I've been questioning if we are really in R or if it is a false R. MC went badly, as counselor is losing patience with me/my anger and distrust toward H. I've been wondering if I really can't feel good about him anymore.

H went on a 1 week business trip. I've been sad since last night because I have sensed distance going both ways. I began to trigger and worry how he would "behave" while gone. I came to SI to pick at the scab.

The door bell rang, and there were flowers...for me! The note said "Miss you already." and he is still on the plane, not having landed at his destination yet. I felt his embrace, my heart lifted and I felt love and warm feelings for him. He still loves me, and is doing his best to R keep rebuilding the M on his side. I need to give him a chance, let down my guard and go with the flow...something I haven't done since DDay#2.

Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

posts: 1735   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2009
id 6371502

TXBW68 ( member #36456) posted at 4:33 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013

My turn to add a positive story!

Since DDay 2, my H has really opened up to me. He doesn't shy away when I need to talk about A-related issues. He listens to me. He shares his thoughts. It's really been amazing how far we have come - this time last year we were separated and he was in a LD EA/later PA with OW4.

Two weeks ago, his grandma had a stroke. She's 92. She's stable but lost mobility on her left side. He went home to see her this past Tuesday. He also helped his mom look for assisted living facilities. It was a very stressful time for him. He called (and texted) very often - just to hear my voice. I listened when he cried. I encouraged him. I was there for him whenever he needed me.

He came home Saturday night to be here for Father's Day. He hugged me so tight! We went to the bedroom and laid on the bed for a few minutes just so he could decompress. He told me that he appreciates me and he realized how much he really needs me. Later that night, he showed me how much

Yesterday was Father's Day. I suprised him with a new grill, cookbook, etc and I had the yard done so he wouldn't have to cut grass when he got back. He was very happy with his grill - and the steaks were awsome!

Last night, he told me how wonderful I am. How much he loves me. He also told me that he thinks stress is related to his wayward behavior. He said that he caught himself one time thinking "That nurse has a nice ass". He said he immediately stopped himself and said "What the hell are you thinking? She's nothing." So he called me instead. He was so proud of himself for recognizing that split second thought and knowing how to handle it properly. He also noticed his married uncle flirting with the nurses and was repulsed by his bevavior.

I told him that these 5 days apart gave me a chance to put some of the DDay 2 information in perspective. That I have come to terms with the fact that I will never understand all of the whys. So, I want to focus on our present and future. I have healed enough that I don't need to dwell on his As anymore. He told me that he lived the "single" life and that there is no other place that he wants to be than home with me! He appreciates his quiet life filled with love, not drama and lies.

We fell asleep last night in each other's arms, secure in our marriage, our future and our love for one another.

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

posts: 792   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2012   ·   location: Dallas, TX
id 6376897

MoreWould ( member #37982) posted at 9:58 PM on Saturday, June 29th, 2013

Sometimes I think that when you first sign up for SI and get your orientation (where you can and can't post, etc) there should also be a comment that once you've "survived", (whatever than means to you), you should consider posting in this thread. Maybe we need one for those who R'd (this one) and one for those who D'd, but survived intact (a new one).

[This message edited by MoreWould at 4:40 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

posts: 357   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: Colorado
id 6391979

shatteredheart7 ( member #39734) posted at 4:53 AM on Monday, July 15th, 2013

Was just reading through these positive and inspiring stories and noticed it has been awhile since one was posted so thought I would share.

My story is a little different than most because my DH went to IC and started putting in the hard work finding out why he made the choice to have an A 5 months before he confessed to me. We had been legally separated for almost 8 months when he confessed, I did not know about the A when I moved out, but we had been "dating" since about the time he started seeing his IC. I had just moved back in a couple weeks before he confessed.

Anyway, sorry I tend to get a little off track. I went with him to a couple of his sessions (the last half hour of each session) and then I started going to his IC myself after he confessed. I have to say, I was scared out of my mind. However,my DH went with me and sat in the waiting room until I was done. He never once asked to come in, he said he just wanted to be there to support me when I was done. Which I always thought was very sweet and loving of him. Eventually I started having him come in for the last half of my session. From there we started actual MC with the same person. Never once did the thought ever cross my mind to get a D after he confessed to me. The time we had been apart while we were separated was so hard, I missed him too much and he missed me and my kids. I had always thought he resented my kids, but turns out he just thought he was a horrible parent. He has said many times that he doesn't know how to be a Dad. He has since learned that he is a great Dad. He Loves them, he wants the best for them. They are teenagers, they have mouths and they are exploring their independence. It has nothing to do with his ability to be a good dad. We have explored this part of his feeling like he isn't good enough in MC. Once I broke it down for him and compared him to their actual "father"... ie: he has never missed a volleyball game, softball game,track meet, band concert,parade, band competition, football game and he uses all his vacation every year so that he can go to band camp and doesn't have to miss anything, and their actual "father" has been to exactly 1 band concert, 2 football games and 2 parades (one of which was the same night as the football game) in 9 yrs. He has never been there for them, my DD17 hasn't been to his house in 4 1/2 yrs, youngest DD went 2 months ago and said that was it she isn't going back. My DS21 rarely ever speaks to him, but they appreciate everything that my DH has ever done for them, they know how proud he is of them. I never knew just how much his thoughts on not being a good dad affected him.

We have mostly good days now. He understands the pain I feel and when I have a bad day he tries to comfort me. He has helped me to face my triggers head on and he senses now when something is about to trigger me and will do something to comfort me. As a couple we are so much stronger than we have ever been. As a family we are happier than ever. I know we are going to make it! I know that he wants nothing to do with the OW. I know that he used her to fill a void in his life and that she pursued him when she knew he was weak and clinically depressed, not saying that is an excuse just that I know it is his why and his how. After seeing the pain he has caused me I honestly don't think he will ever stray again, I can see in his eyes how deeply it affects him to see the pain he has caused me. I need constant reassurance and he gives it, without question, without me asking, without getting upset. He offered all his info: passwords for everything, took the password off his phone, and installed the "find my friends" app on his phone, all without me asking.

I know we still have a long road to go before we are 100% healed, but we are on the right track and I couldn't be happier about that!

Sorry this is so long, I tend to be long winded!

Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2013
id 6408103

Sal1995 ( member #39099) posted at 5:01 AM on Monday, July 15th, 2013

Only 5 months out, but my wife and I have been going to counseling and working hard to reconcile.

I had a rough day yesterday. Triggered pretty hard and gave my wife some grief for the first time in awhile. But by the time we went to bed, we were on good terms. We had a great day today!

This is significant because just one month ago, a day like yesterday would have sent me into a tailspin that would last at least 4-5 days, making us both miserable.

Getting back on an even keel the same day is a huge step forward for us. The roller coaster ride is starting to smooth out a bit.


posts: 1995   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Southwest
id 6408107

lilflower1000 ( member #36634) posted at 10:53 PM on Saturday, July 20th, 2013

After the hell we have been through this past year, things are looking pretty good. Twelve days until the anniversary of my d-day. We went to Waffle house with our four kids and an older couple stopped us on the way out and asked us if all four of the kids were ours or if we were a blended family. The wife was betting that we were a blended family because we seemed to be acting too much in love...too much like newlyweds. We said, “nope.. all four are ours together, although he does have an 18 and 17 year old from his first marriage. We are nearing our 12th wedding anniversary and we have been together 14 years. (Side note.. his ex was 8 mos pregnant with another man’s child when we started dating. I was never the ow)

Anyway, just wanted to share a small victory. These people have no idea how much we needed to hear this. My WS answered saying we will be acting like this until we are 90.

Please take the time to share these types of things with strangers. You never know how you can make someone’s day.

Me: 51 BS
Married 19 years
Dday1: 8/1/2012 ( followed by multiple Ddays)
D-day2( AP#2):Easter-April 12 , 2020
4kids(18,16, 13, 8) + 2 grown Step kids I love like my own

posts: 414   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2012   ·   location: Georgia
id 6415042

BFFGone ( member #38263) posted at 2:30 AM on Friday, July 26th, 2013

I looked at my husband today, 6 months into R, and thought, "I like you a little bit more than yesterday". Baby steps :)

I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???

posts: 71   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2013
id 6421796

AFrayedKnot ( member #36622) posted at 7:04 PM on Monday, August 5th, 2013

Broevil has been not deleting text messages until we can look at them and compare them to the phone bill since Day. We would do it on a regular basis. The 3-4 months we were slacking and she was bugging me to check them so she could delete them for more space on her phone.

She broke her phone over the weekend. This morning we got her a new phone. As we got in the car she said, "oh no, now we won't be able to go through all those old messages"

Without even thinking I responded, "if I didn't trust you I would have been checking them all along". Which is so true.

[This message edited by Chicho at 8:44 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

BS 48fWS 44 (SurprisinglyOkay)DsD DSA whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better."Knowing is half the battle"

posts: 2859   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2012
id 6435429

Disser ( new member #40290) posted at 10:33 PM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

My wife and I have made it past the two year mark. We have become closer and have begun the process of healing. She never had anything to do with the OM since that day. She has expressed a great deal of remorse, and has tried to make everything better in our lives.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2013
id 6445423
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