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Wayward Side :
Things that every WS needs to know

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jewel123 ( member #22863) posted at 12:13 AM on Saturday, December 19th, 2009

Bump cause this deserves to be on the first page.

BS me 44
H 46 (paulie)
married 25 years (hs sweethearts)
dday 8-08
DS19
DS23
New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth. -Thomas Hardy
Reconciled! :)

posts: 5524   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2009   ·   location: MO
id 4297777
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True723 ( member #25632) posted at 11:54 AM on Saturday, December 19th, 2009

Thank you for this- so so so accurate.

Me- BW/35
Him- WH/35
DDay August 14, 2009, NC broken end of August, Reconciling
1 daughter

posts: 58   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2009
id 4298538
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sadallthetime ( member #26845) posted at 4:35 PM on Saturday, December 19th, 2009

Thank you so much for this post. I just joined SI and sent this to my WH. He read it this morning and says it really helps him. It also helps me.

Me-BW 60 now, FWH 64 now, 2 adult kids
DD#1 7-21-09 11 yr. affair w OW 30 yrs. younger who is an "escort". DD#2 7-23-09 Long Term EA with mutual friend DD#3 10-3-09 1 1/2 yr PA with escort #2 DD#4 10 yr. EA w/old GF

posts: 104   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2009   ·   location: Florida
id 4298831
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sadallthetime ( member #26845) posted at 4:35 PM on Saturday, December 19th, 2009

[This message edited by sadallthetime at 10:36 AM, December 19th (Saturday)]

Me-BW 60 now, FWH 64 now, 2 adult kids
DD#1 7-21-09 11 yr. affair w OW 30 yrs. younger who is an "escort". DD#2 7-23-09 Long Term EA with mutual friend DD#3 10-3-09 1 1/2 yr PA with escort #2 DD#4 10 yr. EA w/old GF

posts: 104   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2009   ·   location: Florida
id 4298833
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silencesoloud ( member #23669) posted at 4:31 AM on Friday, January 1st, 2010

bump for trying

BS (me) 30's
WH 30's
high school sweethearts
4 kids S17 , D9 , S6 , S 10 months
Agreed to NC 11/15/2010
was never actually NC
Multiple affairs , hookers , porn , you name it .
hurting like hell still but working through it for ME .

posts: 554   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2009
id 4321233
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Textbook Case ( member #24977) posted at 3:49 PM on Thursday, January 7th, 2010

bump

BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

posts: 2735   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2009
id 4333946
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sodeeplysaddened ( member #26709) posted at 9:02 PM on Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Wow, great. I cried and then copied and emailed it to my WH who is trying but just doesn't know how.

WH - 51
BS - 49(me)
dday1 - 11/16/09
dday2 - 12/1/09
dday3 - 1/13/10
Dday 4 -10/21/12 - trolling Craigslist again

married 18 years, 2 kids: 13 DD, 14 DS
Reconciled & happy

posts: 254   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2009   ·   location: In R.
id 4334899
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Juliet ( member #17673) posted at 10:24 PM on Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Wow. I hope this keeps getting bumped up. I'd never seen it before but it is greatly appreciated and will be shared.

Dday #1 -12/22/2007
Dday #2 - 1/1/2008 - same OW
R- 3/2008
Married 2/14/2010
Dday #3 - 2/11/2011 - TT finally ended w/6 additional OW and NC broken once

posts: 304   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2008   ·   location: Virginia
id 4335063
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fwdmoving ( new member #27244) posted at 11:09 PM on Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

i sent this to my WS...thank you!

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2010
id 4362438
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manAscending ( member #26919) posted at 4:42 AM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

Bumping this great post for new WS to the site.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario
id 4389142
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Textbook Case ( member #24977) posted at 11:59 PM on Thursday, February 11th, 2010

bumping again - best damn post on this site!

BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

posts: 2735   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2009
id 4412175
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hc09 ( new member #26994) posted at 2:48 AM on Friday, February 12th, 2010

Hello, I am a WS, and I have to admit this post made me break down and cry a few times, from the shame of my actions, and from the further realisation of what my actions have done to the love of my life.

I agree with and understand the necessity of the actions listed... I am grateful that someone has put all these wonderful tips in one place (i agree it should go into the healing library as some other commenters have mentioned).

I showed this to my BS, and I am looking forward to discussing how he feels about what was written, and how he would like it applied to our situation.

All I want in the world is to reconcile, and to do everything right that I can for my amazing BS.

Thank you again for posting this.

Me - 23, WS
Him - 26, BS
Together 6.5 years.
D-Day 1: Dec 19th, 2009,
TT'd until,
D-Day 2: Jan 29th, 2010
R-Day: Jan 29th 2010

posts: 18   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2009   ·   location: Kitchener, Ontario
id 4412606
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Sham ( new member #27535) posted at 9:38 PM on Friday, February 12th, 2010

I am the WS and this was a wonderful post.

Thank you so much for sharing this.

I certainly agree with all that it says and I have been doing everything I can to show my husband how remorseful I am and how thankful I am that he is willing to reconcile.

WS: Me
D-day: February 3, 2010
In Reconciliation: Because of the unbelievable love and forgiveness of my husband.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2010
id 4414355
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Lalena75 ( member #27215) posted at 8:27 PM on Sunday, February 14th, 2010

Thank you thank for this post I think my fwh gets it really really gets it now I printed this out and he read it and for the first time he was able to talk to me about his A's without being angry and defensive that was one of the greatest gifts I could have this weekend.

Me(BS):35 Him(FWH):35 2 kids 14, 8 Together 15 yrs, M for 12 D-day #1 8-28-02 D-day #2 11-17-08 still getting TT which leads to D-day #3 01-26-10 admitted to 3 ow 15 years ago, currently in an EA with my now ex friend they deny it so we are headed for d.

posts: 134   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2010
id 4417337
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FragileFlower ( new member #27545) posted at 9:28 PM on Monday, February 15th, 2010

I just wanted to bump this, because it's such a wonderful post!

Me-BSO 50
Him-WSO 53
DDay 12/20/09
R 1/15/10
Proposed 3/6/10
Shopped for rings 3/13/10
TT 3/14/10
Still trying...why?

posts: 16   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2010
id 4419219
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manAscending ( member #26919) posted at 6:16 PM on Friday, February 26th, 2010

bump

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario
id 4441667
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 HUFI-PUFI (original poster member #25460) posted at 6:47 PM on Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010

Bumpity bump bump for some of the newbies and as a refresher for the rest of us.

Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

posts: 3310   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2009   ·   location: Azilda, Northern Ontario
id 4489730
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Crossbow ( member #15224) posted at 7:50 PM on Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Excellent post, it really is. I am glad you posted it here where other Waywards will read it.

You not only describe exactly what was happening to us, thankfully you described exactly the things my FWW did - and those were the only things that could save our M.

2.5+ years out, and I still suffer from some of the fallout of her infidelity. The nightmares return sometimes, the insomnia is profound and severe as opposed to pre-A, when it was only "bad." I still struggle with feeling unattractive, second-best, and at times the "unfairness" of it all still rankles. She got the fun & excitement, and all I got was the worst misery of my life, through no fault of my own. These things happen so much less often than they used to, and aside from the severe insomnia, everything has improved dramatically.

I simply cannot stress how utterly traumatizing it is to be a BS. And I was desperate to feel better, no desire to "wallow" or anything like that. It just takes a long damn time, even with a FWS doing everything "right."

Thank you again. Great post.

DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 11 & 9
DD, 4

posts: 9399   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2007   ·   location: Utah
id 4494180
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Alex52 ( new member #27915) posted at 1:24 AM on Saturday, March 27th, 2010

Thank You for posting this. My WW is reading it right now. ai really thnk she will finally understand. Thank You again.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2010   ·   location: Columbus, Ohio
id 4496935
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islandgrl ( member #22010) posted at 1:53 AM on Saturday, March 27th, 2010

HI

HUFI-PUFI asked if anyone knew who the author of this is. It is a compilation by MessedUpandDown. Well, I remember reading this (probably cause it is so good) but it was as a pdf I had requested by email from the author when it was in draft form and asking for opinions on it. (I also never clean up my email box -lol)

yeh at the time I thought we were fine & didn't realize it was a false R, so I didnt even give it to WH -but it might be a good time now.

Here is the intro for it:

Received: Saturday, June 20, 2009, 1:26 PM

Attached is the article. Before you read it or share it, here are some things you need to know about it...

1. This really started as a project. I was collecting passages from various authors to create one coagulated, cogent article, written for the WSs to understand what is happening to BSs in the early stages. I wanted it to be thorough, but short enough that it could be read in just a few minutes - an article, not a book.

2. I found some great stuff, but also found some of it to be poorly written, incomplete and lacking "suggested" advice on the best way to handle things. Many articles just painfully "hit them over the head" (nobody wants that, right?) instead of being "firmly informational". And many that were informational, lacked specificity in suggested actions.

3. So I amalgamated all this stuff, spliced and edited it, added to it, finalized it and sent it to my wife. She has responded positively to it. (She's even asked for suggestions as to what else she might read.)

I would really appreciate your feedback. Let me know what you think, what your spouse thought, if it helped either of you, if it spurred some positive reaction, etc. (You can send me a PM or email)

Best of luck to you. Hope everything works out to your satisfaction - and happiness!

Regards,

Messed Up - And Down

Thanks to "Messed Up - And Down"

Me: BS (47)Him: WS (47) Together: 28 years Kids: 3 boys
suspected Aug 08, C Day: Dec.6,2008 OW - skanky co-worker "just friends"
Broken NC: many times(last attempt Aug 7,2010-no reply from OW)
getting there....

posts: 286   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
id 4496975
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