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I Can Relate :
Emotional Affairs


MissD ( member #39377) posted at 11:35 PM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013

My husband spent a LOT of the time complaining about me. One of the hardest things for me was dealing with the sense of violation I felt, as I saw that every detail of my private home life had been shared with another person.

This is a great summation of how I feel about my WS EA's. Though he is a good rug sweeper and dismisses the EA's I struggle with this often.

posts: 70   ·   registered: May. 28th, 2013
id 6362903

brokensunflower ( member #38674) posted at 12:08 AM on Thursday, June 6th, 2013

my husband had an emotional affair off the internet called second life ... well he found out is real life is better.. I cant get over feeling that his whore is prettier then me self esteem is out the window ... fml.. on a good note hes been good for almost 9 months now ..

me 34
him 34
7 wonderful kids 14 yrs 10 yrs 7 yrs 6 yrs and 4 yrs 2yr ..and new baby
married 15years together for 12

my give a damn is busted

posts: 265   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2013   ·   location: cold ohio
id 6362943

Agape ( new member #39594) posted at 3:02 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2013

Hello everyone! My DDay was yesterday. One year of crazy making...

We have been together 24 years at that time and our R had been through a lot of drama and trauma up to that point. My WH is a great guy. A person who you would meet and think that is the best thing that happened to humanity since sliced bread. But he has a dark side that I know oh too well. The beginning of our R was rocky to say the least. He hit me severely couple of times and I ended up in the hospital. He have never touched me since then (20 years)except to slap me with the back of his hand because I raised my voice to him in the car. That was 15 years ago. No physical abuse since then. Bare with me, I will get to the EA. He is a dark secretive person. We never had any accounts in common, because his privacy is the "thing that he cherish most". But because he never gave me any reason to suspect anything I NEVER checked on him...EVER. I have never feel loved, respected, cherished...etc. But I stayed because I have seen my mother stayed with my dad though all the abuse she endured at the hands of my dad.

In 2004 I had the courage to separate. My son and I moved in the guest house, and then later moved away in a beautiful apartment. I had a great job, and great life in the 4 years that we were separated. I was so happy and my son recalls the time as the best time of his life. I didn't have a romantic relationship with anyone throughout the whole 4 years. I didn't feel the need. I dedicated my time and energy to myself and my child so happy we escaped the emotional and verbal abuse of my WS. Not to mention his passive aggressive personality. Yes, he was coming by, take us out, had occasional sex, etc. But never in my right mind I would have come back to him...EVER!

I became a monster every time we were close. He brought out the worse in me.

Fast forward in 2008. Friday after work, my boss called me in the office to inform me that I was no longer employed with his company. Major shock!! That's another story, but the gesture was unmerited. The following Wed. as I was looking on line for a job, my phone rang and it was my mother. My dad had a stroke...I got dressed and got there as the ambulance was pulling out...later, in the mother had a heart attack....YES...all these incidents happened in the span of 5 days. My WH was there supportive as usual, and he was my rock through the 7 surgeries that they both endured. The model friend and companion!!

But, I had to face the fact that soon I would have no place to live. As I was making plans to put my stuff in storage and move in my mom comes my knight and shining rescuer...yep, my WH.

I resisted, I refused but I gave in. Yes, I was now back in my house.

In the moment that all my stuff was in and he made sure that I had no place to go, the nightmare began.

The verbal and emotional abuse all over again.

Why am I writing all this?

Because after 6 months I cheated on him with a scum bag from work that told me all the right things, things I needed to hear at the time that I never got from him.

The affair lasted one month, and I slept with him once, after which I took loooooong loooooong showers.

But the impact on my husband was as he equals it now....the magnitude of the dinosaur's extinction.

I asked for forgiveness, to him and God. I did all the things that a cheating spouse supposed to do after, I open EVERYTHING, and to today, 5 years later...I have never ever gave him to slightest shadow of a doubt that I am doing anything wrong. I was the perfect wife. I acknowledged my fault and work hard to fix them. Had work, but I thought that I give it another shot, and I gave all I got.

Fast-forward 4 years later. The R was going OK, the usual emotional unavailability, the usual sarcasm, the usual having sex but not making love any longer...

Then I got a job offer as an executive at a local college with a compensation package equivalent to a boat load of money. I own my business, but it was going slow, so I sat him down and discuss the implications of me accepting the job...long hours, etc.

He encouraged me to take it, and assured me that he will take care of everything at home including my son. He is good at that, so I trusted him and got the job.

Yes, long, long hours, stress and pressure in the top of running the business, I was passing out every night of exhaustion..But I took care of all the bills, going out almost every evening for dinner, out of town tips, new clothes for him, sending money to his dad in security. And he enjoyed every bit of it.

Emotionally, I have learned to live with him and accept his (what I know now) as emotional and verbal abuse and manipulation and his emotional unavailability. From time to time he will open a window, but I loved him.

After one year, my job satisfaction was poor, I could not change the things I wanted to change in the place, and my position suddenly required a doctorate. They offered to send me to school for free, or accept a 3 months executive package for leaving. I was so stretched, I choose the second. So I became the housewife again in addition to being self employed.

I suspected something is wrong when he became livid when I told him I resigned. Nevermind the fact tha I called him a gazillion times to ask him what to do, like any partner would do and he didn't answer the phone...

Few days later, as I was watching TV, my phone buzzed signaling I have a text.

I open my texts, and it was from him. He had gone to the bank and grocery sopping, so I opened the text...but it was not for for the OW. Something to the effect that he cannot hear her any longer and he will call her latter.....along with I love you baby...and other love words

All in Spanish..

After confronting him, he told me it was a mistake, the phone company messed up and crossed over the texts, it happens...etc. In top of "You know I don't talk like this, what's wrong with you?"

I believed him..

But my gut was telling me otherwise....

Fast-forward 3 weeks later, something in me told me to call the phone company. He was going to the bank and grocery shopping every night, he was out for long bike trips, and sometimes upsent in the middle of the night, saying he went for a walk to clear his head..

What I discovered was the end of my life as I knew it...

Thousands of calls, texts and photos...I confronted him to the evidence but I got what some of you got 'JUST FRIENDS LINE".

There were not just friends..after I installed a key logger on my computer, he was talking about divorcing me...etc.

That was not the painful part, the painful part was that the man who couldn't meet my needs for 24 years, was the most romantic, attentive, charming, sweet person I had ever seen...

She was an old friend from high-school and they reunited when she opened a FB account. Later I found out that he was looking for her for 3 years. As I called one of the number on the endless phone log...and her voice came on, I knew exactly who she was!

What makes tis an EA is that she is 3000 miles away.

But they met...yes they did!

When he went for a convention, he did a detour in the town when she lived to visit his dad and brother who live in the same area.

He told me it was a highschool reunion and other people were there.

Later, as I access every account, I discovered that the EA intensified since they met and were talking about him possibly moving to that area. Leave his son, his house, his friends, his car racing hobby, his garage, and....yes ME.

She was single with three kids from three different marriages or relationships.

She didn't pursue him, he pursued her...heavily, obsessively until she gave in.

It was him....

She struggled with her conscience, as I could read from her correspondence, but on the very next email, or text, or FB, she sent him love notes of how much she looks forward seeing him when she comes to Miami.

9 days after DDay, he said he is going to visit some relatives in Orlando to 'clear his mind'. I reluctantly agreed. I had no options at this point. As he pulled out of our driveway, he turned his phone off, and had it of for the whole 5 days he was gone. I was OK until the second day one of his friends called to enquire about him and why his phone is off.

Then I went into shock...I thought I will die. I began to clean. I cleaned EVERYTHING in the house for 48 hours straight. I repainted the bedroom, I pressed the sheets, the dish rags and everything I could get my hands on. after I discovered that is an reflex reaction to get your sense of control back. I still do that from time to time.

Present time...yesterday was DDay anniversary. I never got an "im sorry" or a hint that he is trying to make our M work during this year. He is more guarded and private than ever.

He will play the victim every time I would bring up the subject of my needs. And yes, he would bring up my affair....over and over....I am tired!!!!!

I became the perfect wife, I changed everything about me that he said I was doing wrong. I took responsibility for my part. I bought books, I read, and read, and read some more. I am considerate of his feelings...I did everything in the book for him to feel secure!

But personally, I didn't receive anything in return.

Few days ago, I gave him an ultimatum.

Maybe is wrong, but I am fed up. Why???? Because I am really good on stuffing my feelings down a black hole, but now, those feeling are creeping up and came back to haunt me.

I became angry....real angry out of the whole body hurts, my stomach ulcers came back and I am an emotional wreck.

I can no longer stuff it down!!

I am becoming a ghost. I can't concentrate and have periods of amnesia. I make mistakes with my clients, and this has to stop!

I put my foot down and wrote him an email with my demands.

They are normal demands, like be a father to your son, spend time with us, SHOW US THAT YOU LOVE US!!!!!!!!!!

Now he goes to the gym 7 days a week, 3-4 hours a day. He is buffed and tanned. AND IS ALL ABOUT HIM....the responsible father, and home owner is gone. The house is falling apart, he has no money (he didn't get pd in 3 months) and our tenant is threatening to leave because he will not fix her AC. I can't talk to him, because he will turn it on me. It is never his fault, I am the screw up, he is always right, and he is a saint...

Anyway, you are probably curious what was his response to my demands...IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN...he said.

Im a bad saled person, he sad, I should have not send it to him like that...etc.

Then yesterday I am checking the phone bill on line.

His texts had increased and I confronted him right away...

The "you are spying on me again" line came out, he played the victim...etc..BUT...he is becoming nice, after...I told him that I am requesting the text record fron Sprint, and if is any woman there that he had been texting with, he is gone....

He is really nice, he gave some cockamamie explanation, but he is nice.....AND I KNOW HE IS LYING!!!!!

I did sent the request to Sprint, it takes 10 long days....maybe more.

Last night I got drunk.. feel so guilty! But I needed to vent!!!

More to come....

Any words of comfort, wisdom?

Greatly appreciate!!

Sorry for making this so long...

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jun. 19th, 2013   ·   location: Florida
id 6382370

circleoflife ( new member #39702) posted at 6:40 PM on Saturday, June 29th, 2013

D-Day was April 18--I found pages of emails between him and some woman. I have been getting lies ever since. Even after D-Day he met her. So he claims it was just an "EA" but I have that feeling I know there's more. Just like I had the feeling there was more when he first started getting caught and the TT kept coming. Why would he meet her after getting caught!

Me BW (36)
WH (39)
together 16 years
2 kids: 6 DD & 10 month DS
TT: 4/26/13
TT: 5/6/13
more TT: 6/13/13
more TT: 7/9/13

posts: 40   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2013
id 6391827

10182008 ( new member #40072) posted at 12:49 PM on Saturday, July 27th, 2013

Let me start off by saying that unlike many (most?) on this forum, I'm happily married. We're currently trying to have a baby. There is nothing "wrong" in my marriage and I've never had the real desire to cheat. Fantasies, yes. Flirting, yes. Actual affair, God no. My husband is a wonderful man. I've known him since I was a kid. He is definitely the person I'm supposed to be married to. Sweet, innocent, compassionate, and will be a spectacular father.

Now for the dark side: I'm having an emotional affair with a man I met through work. For 2 years, we spoke on the phone before we got the chance to meet in person...all through work. Once we met, that was it. We were both hooked. The EA started that day. There was an instant connection. We've talked about turning it into a physical affair. Right now, he's undecided and I'm completely confused. He is married, as well, but very unhappy. He admitted that he's never considered having an affair before and I know that he is very torn in his own emotions.

I'm a huge flirt (my husband knows that), but no one (myself included) has ever taken it seriously until now. I've always felt that a person's marriage is his/her own business, so I'm not concerned about his. That has to be his problem/decision. Just like my marriage has to be my own problem/decision. Honestly, if I wasn't married, I wouldn't be on this site, throwing everything out there for the world to read. I've had affairs with married men before (though, of course, I wasn't married at the time). So that being said, the only part of his marriage that concerns me in my own thinking is that his wife is an incredibly jealous and paranoid person. She would make his life a living hell, though he told me that she's cheated on him before. Perhaps that's why she's paranoid...she's already given him a reason to cheat. I don't want his home life with her to be any more difficult. Thus, that factors into my thinking. Other than that, it's about what's going on in my own head.

This guy is like a drug for me. If I don't talk to him for a couple of days or send flirty texts back and forth, I have something that feels like withdraws. It terrifies me. This never started until we met face-to-face. Weekends are the hardest because his wife has intercepted the 2 texts I've sent him on a weekend and she went ballistic. He was able to get out of trouble the first time by telling her that I said I'd accidentally sent him something that was supposed to go to my husband. The second time, I got him out of trouble by telling her the same thing. Lesson learned: don't send texts outside of working hours. Fair enough. However, I think about him constantly. I close my eyes during sex with my husband and think of him. I masturbate in the shower to thoughts of him. I was at the gym last night, sweating my ass off, listening to songs that make me think of him, and crying my eyes out because I am so torn.

We are currently in the process of talking this through with each other....the pros and cons of whether we should make this physical. As I said before, he's completely undecided...scared and excited. I'm confused beyond words. I have no desire to do anything to screw up my marriage. I worked too hard to get my husband and don't want to hurt him. Then the dark side of me says "What if it only happens one time and he never knew?" That's when I switch back over to "Yea, like it would only happen once." (sarcasm). That's what the other guy said, too... he figures that we'd probably both enjoy it way too much and then it would get intense.

In addition, we work in the same industry. If one of us ever left our current job, there aren't a whole lot of companies in our area that do what we do, so it's a distinct possibility we'd have to work together at the same place. If we took this little EA to a physical level, "awkward" would be an understatement...especially if it didn't work out and we were uncomfortable being around each other.

Above and beyond everything else, I value his friendship much more than what he could do to me physically. Like I said, we'd spoken for 2 years before we met, and we had become very good friends. We care about each other on a level that goes far beyond a physical attraction, and I am terrified to lose that. I've been in that boat before and lost my very best friend in the world.

So, right at this moment, that's where I am... willing to do whatever I have to do to NOT lose my friend. If that means staying away from the physical aspect, so be it. The really sucky thing about it is that right now I can't talk to him about this....because it's the weekend. And his wife is watching.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2013
id 6423669

WoundedOpus ( member #39521) posted at 3:49 PM on Tuesday, July 30th, 2013

10182008 - There are many things I'd like to say here, but I'll refrain and just state that I think you've ended up in the wrong place. This forum is for BS's to receive support regarding the betrayl of an EA from their WS.

Personally, my FWH says it was never physical, not sure that I believe that. While I want to the truth because I deserve the truth, it doesn't actually matter to me...his EA did enough damage all on its own.

Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Seven years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman

posts: 178   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2013
id 6427334

Whatdoido333 ( member #36597) posted at 8:08 PM on Tuesday, July 30th, 2013

I am a member of this group. My H has been having an EA with a co-worker on and off for 4 years at least. I found out by seeing a text on his cell phone. very long story short..... He said they were just friends, wanted OW and I to be friends, he told her so much about me, complained about me all the time. he said she always agreed with my point of view!!!

Found out about 6 months ago that they (at least he) was looking at buying a house together. It always seemed that they were arguing, he was/is after her.....but she also initiates calls and texts. I don't know what's going in and if I mention it he tells me she's not the problem. So, for now, I sit and ignore. Have a teenager and don't want her life disrupted right now. I know, I'm wrong but that's what I need to do for now.

When I found out he was going to buy a house for her, he said he was just living to her and said she wanted to hear that. he didn't mean it!!! tons of stuff like that. Drives me nuts. They are in a very small office, sometimes it's just the two of them there. I can't imagine much work gets done.

he's been diagnosed as NPD too.... Glad I found a place where people understand......

posts: 141   ·   registered: Aug. 24th, 2012
id 6427808

Whatdoido333 ( member #36597) posted at 8:14 PM on Tuesday, July 30th, 2013

Forgot to add...he feels he's entitled to "private friendships" with the opposite sex, personal conversations, etc. according to him there's nothing wrong with it. He thinks I shouldn't know where he is all the time, but he entitled to know where I am. If he can't get in touch with me within 5 minutes, he freaks. but he can be away for hours without me knowing where he is....If I press him, he'll just say out.

posts: 141   ·   registered: Aug. 24th, 2012
id 6427821

sadone29 ( member #38597) posted at 10:56 PM on Tuesday, July 30th, 2013

I've been having trouble labelling H's affair, though I think an EA is probably what it is. He had a secret 'friendship' with an old high school friend for 5 years. They didn't talk daily (he says more like weekly). They shared naked pictures and met for coffee once. Believe me, I know this is probably not the whole truth. When I got him, she told him she was falling in love with him, and he was trying to make it a PA.

He has other SA issues, but it's this LTEA that has crushed me. I can't even begin to figure out how I'll get over it. Most days, I don't think I ever will.

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."
He finally moved out only because I became on obstacle in his new affair.

posts: 1002   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2013
id 6428046

Heartbroken2013 ( member #39722) posted at 2:00 PM on Monday, September 16th, 2013

Hi, we are 10 mths passed DD and are working on our marriage.

My question to you all is this:

My H had (what I call) an online EA with a woman from the U.S (we live in the UK)

Right ... so ...

They met in a chat room (Chatbazzar) chatted & did cyber sex for a few weeks before moving onto yahoo chat (him using an alias email address)

1) He told her his name was T*** (its not)

2) He told her he was 24 (he's not)

3) He told her he was single (obviously he's not)

4) They didn't ever arrange to meet and chat, just chatted when each other were online.

5) He said he used her

6) He said she used him

7) She would strip for him on webcam and touch herself while they did the cybersex shit!

8) She never saw him on webcam (how I know, because we didn't have a web cam on our computer, and when he used to chat with her, I would be in the house/room most times)

(I didn't know this was going on, he would be sat with lap top on his lap different side of room)

9) She had no clue about me, she knew nothing about our marriage, our kids etc

10) Every time they chatted it resulted in sex.

11) They never had a conversation that didn't involve sex

12) He could take it or leave it from her. if she wasn't online, he would go into chat room and chat to other people which sometimes resulted in cybersex, sometimes just normal clean chat.

13) I confronted her online, left her a message and when I went to send her another one, she had deleted her email address (which I assume was also an alias)

The reason why im asking if it was an EA is because I don't think there was any emotion in it! I think they both used each other to get what they wanted. (If you please read my profile maybe you would understand my H side of things)

Up to a point I understand why he did it/why he felt the NEED to do it .... he could be the person he has dreamed of being since he was old enough to understand about sex.

I don't think it was an emotional affair because he didn't reveal any part of our lives, he lied to her too. She used him for her own kink, and I guess he used her for that too. I always thought an EA was when 2 people knew about each others lives, about everything. She knew nothing .... he said he didn't feel like it was an emotional affair because he 'didn't let her in' ....

Im not saying this makes it any easier as to whether or not it was an EA ... im just curious to everyone's opinion on this.

(please read my profile before commenting, so you can understand everything about my H)

Thanks for reading so far ...

Me & Hubby = aged 48
Together 16 years
Married 10 years
He had 1 yr EA in chat room then 6mths EA phone/texting with same woman.
Cyber sexed with many OW in chat room for at least 1 year.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2013   ·   location: UK
id 6488608

Shocked2believe ( member #41010) posted at 1:44 PM on Friday, October 18th, 2013

Hi, I'm new to this site but not new to what I feel is betrayal from my WH. I don't know whether it's an EA but certainly not happy about it at all. It all began last December 2012 at his Christmas work party where partners were not invited for the first year. A work collegue, who's name I had heard randomly, but wasn't aware that she was THAT friendly with my WH decided, when they were both very drunk, to make an advance on my WH by trying to kiss him in front of another bunch of work collegues. She never heard the end of it for months. Anyway WH came home and told me what happened, which I initially laughed off thinking it was nice to be admired by someone else since we've been together for more than half or lives. I wasn't happy though and started questioning him more about this girl and at first he was responsive then started getting less responsive and spoke less about her. Then we went on holiday at Easter and things changed then. I intercepted text messages on my WH personal phone about them discussing how it wasn't her fault for trying to kiss him as he would have also made an advance on her if she hadn't done to him. I confronted him and he said it was all a game, nothing serious as he was just seeing how much she felt for him as he didn't want to hurt their 'friendship'. Then things got ugly because I thought things were getting worse. I warned him that I foresaw problems ahead and he told me I was crazy and they were/are just really good friends. Then Just before our the next holiday in the summer they have a huge argument (which I still do not know any of the details about) so they decide to de-friend one another on facebook, delete tel numbers etc. So we go on holiday and whilst we're away she starts texting him again about how sorry she is and could they still be friends then they move onto discussing how they feel about one another and how it isn't their fault that these feelings 'just crept up on them'. After many discussions between my WH and myself he says that he wants to be at home with me and our two boys and would never go off with her as she couldn't offer what I give, she's not a long term commitment material blah, blah, blah.....So I've gone through millions of websites reading and reading and reading, loosing a lot of weight, sleepless nights, anxiety like I've never experienced etc. He then tells me a month ago that they have decided not to be friends again anymore and have stopped all contact. I once again discover more text messages about how they feel about one another and how hard it is to let go of each other and how they had a huge argument on a work drinks night out and how sorry they both are etc. Then about two weeks ago he goes for another works drinks evening out for me to discover they've had another huge argument with one another then made up for her to try and attempt to kiss him again. Then the sorry messages start on phone again with photo's etc. I have asked him over and over had he ever discussed our marriage or me at all and he swears he's not ever discussed us (which I do believe) but had never mentioned me either like I am a ghost or something! He keeps telling me he just wants to be a friend with her and there s nothing going on. There is so many other little details which are to long to mention but could anyone please tell me. Am I mad to think that there is something Seriously wrong with this relationship and I'm not making a big deal about NOTHING? Thank you.

Me:BS Married 15 years
Him: WH - EA/PA with now married OW

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway and block the traffic"

posts: 141   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2013
id 6528155

littlefoggy ( member #41429) posted at 9:25 PM on Tuesday, December 17th, 2013

I am joining this club.

WH is is absolute denial. He keeps saying he didn't have an affair. I believe him when he says he didn't have a PA. The man is principled to a fault. But betrayal is betrayal.

Anyine else have trouble with WH realizing their EA was an affair?

Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13

posts: 505   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2013
id 6601735

littlefoggy ( member #41429) posted at 9:50 PM on Tuesday, December 17th, 2013

Sorry. Dounle post.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 3:52 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13

posts: 505   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2013
id 6601784

spond ( member #41686) posted at 3:08 PM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2013

Anyine else have trouble with WH realizing their EA was an affair?

My WS struggled the first few days after DDay. Then she saw how it damaged our marriage. Then she started owning up to it.

BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA

posts: 437   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2013
id 6602681

lady_rose58 ( member #12695) posted at 1:48 AM on Wednesday, January 22nd, 2014

Here we go again, my hubby is having a EA with an old friend that he knew while growing up.

All I every hear is that she is just a friend.

Not doing this again! Not going thru another R..

I can't! fool me once, twice but oh NO not a third time.


Me 55
WM 50
together 13 ys Jan 05, Aug 06, Nov 2, 06...


posts: 149   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2006   ·   location: Arkansas
id 6650272

Lucky2HaveMe ( member #13333) posted at 1:23 AM on Thursday, January 23rd, 2014

Hey all,

First time I ever ventured into this forum. The Reader's Digest version of my story:

H had a 3yr EA that culminated in a 3mo PA. I found out about he EA before I found out the full extent of the PA. We are fully R'd.

Just want to offer my support. I can't read 33 pages of threads - but if anyone wants to throw out anything that they would like my perspective on, I will do my best to answer. I am also willing to receive PM's if that is what you would prefer.

You can and will get through this. I promise you. You may not end up where you think you will, but you will learn a lot about yourself if you are willing to ride the wave and do the work regardless of the ultimate outcome.

Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

posts: 8488   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: WNY
id 6651905

Lucky2HaveMe ( member #13333) posted at 2:23 AM on Thursday, January 23rd, 2014

Shocked2believe, Yes he is having an EA. His interactions with this woman are 100% inappropriate. If he is serious about wanting you, then he needs to give up on the idea of this friendship. His balking at the thought sends his message loud & clear. A friend should never be more important than a spouse.

The OW in my case pulled that with my H. "Your wife is sooooo controlling. She cannot control who you are friends with... blah, blah blah"

He needs to make a choice - you or her. Period. If he chooses you, he needs to send an NC letter/email/text - approved by you and copied in to you - and he must abide by it. Change his #, block her in all email, social media, etc. Any and all contact by her must be shared with you so that you can both discuss how he handled it and how he should handle it in the future.

Don't let him bully you into accepting this third party into your M.

Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

posts: 8488   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: WNY
id 6651986

Lucky2HaveMe ( member #13333) posted at 2:25 AM on Thursday, January 23rd, 2014

I can't! fool me once, twice but oh NO not a third time.

Ladyrose - I'm so sorry. I,too, will not go through this again. I think my H gets that - I wish yours did too.

Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

posts: 8488   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: WNY
id 6651989

shatteredapart ( member #41978) posted at 4:21 PM on Friday, January 24th, 2014

So sorry we're all here. My WH had a 10 month EA with a married coworker (March,13-Dec '13). He claims it never turned physical. Claims they weren't attracted to one another. He claims they connected on a work level and it turned into a deep friendship. He claims there were no sexual discussions or attraction. He claims they only talked about work, family and things they enjoyed (sports, activities, etc). Says he never spoke bad about me or our marriage nor did she about hers). Says it was never about them being unhappily married that they both loved their spouses and weren't considering cheating or leaving. I don't/can't believe him. How can you talk to someone every day on the phone for at least 90 minutes off and on during your work day and text 5,000 texts a week and it not mean anything?! How can you meet up at least once a week for lunch (out of your respective work areas) to talk? You could have lost your job! You hid your "friendship", you passworded your phone and you texted for hours during evenings and weekends (oh and throughout the work day) often while I was sitting right next to you! To top it off you sent and received a ton of picture messages that you claim were just daily non sexual things including pictures of your family. Right I believe that. How dare you send her pictures of me without my knowledge?!! It's an extra betrayal. I feel so dirty and used! You didn't think! And after I confronted you, you still didn't think! You just stopped using your phone and turned to calling cards and her calling you with her number blocked! So much betrayal! If it was truly only a friendship you would've let it die for me and our marriage especially after you saw first hand the devastation you caused. It was at least an EA and if not a PA too then it was heading in that direction no matter how much you deny it. And those voice mails I heard in December shatter me! The first one is very sexual sounding even though it's about you "covering" her area while she's on vacation. It made me sick to my stomach. The 2nd wished you a marry Christmas on Christmas Eve then she said I miss you and I love you! The 3rd just days after Christmas blew the rest of my world apart...she was wearing the ring you gave her! Supposedly a cheap $25 one with her name engraved nut I don't care. You have her an f'ing RING! And then more the I miss and love you sh!t. Friends don't give gifts like that or talk to each other that way. Ever! I know how a friend says "I love you" and it's not in a whispy, longing voice. Your lies make me physically I'll. I pray it's truly over and one day you won't hide the truth from me and willingly share the gruesome details so I can heal and move forward and we can truly build a strong marriage together. I can't bear the pain I'm in daily. My heart aches and even though you are starting to show me through actions I can't let myself trust you. I'm waiting for another shoe to drop and the world to fall apart again.

If anyone out there can relate please message me. My last dday is still fresh and I could use support and an understanding friend.

[This message edited by shatteredapart at 10:33 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

posts: 124   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2014   ·   location: USA
id 6654289

memarybe ( new member #41687) posted at 1:47 AM on Monday, February 3rd, 2014

My husband had an EA with..of all people in the world.....his BOSS! Needless to say I called her after i had found out around midnight and wanted to know why the hell she was texting him all hours of the day and night. Unfortunately she is one of the owners of the company. He resigned his position almost immediately after i pressed him to notify human resource of her behavior. He went to file unemployment and now has started the rug sweeping, lying, and we were just good friends story. My dday was Nov.9 with a text to him that said sweet dreams. I became obsessed with finding out the truth. I was emailing what I believed to be her, but it turned out to be her older brother so she couldn't deny what had happened. I sent screen shots of the phone bills showing her texting him one night from about 11pm to 6am! I was questioning if this was proper workplace etiquette. He was very good at hiding from me what was going on for about 3 months. I am just exhausted over all the unanswered questions I have and all of his " I don't remember" replies. There is so much more to this story but the more I type the angrier I get. It took him three months just to admit PERHAPS he was talking and texting a little too excessively.AYFKM! I sure hope he can pull his head out of ass soon, I am really close to calling it quits. Our 17 year anniversary is this march, and I deserve better.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2013   ·   location: midwest
id 6668420
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