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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

I Can Relate :
Emotional Affairs


Stillblessed ( new member #35407) posted at 5:41 AM on Sunday, April 22nd, 2012

My h has had 2 ea's and my question is will I ever trust completely again? I'm so tired of the triggers that set off memories. Is it has only been a few months since the last 1 but we are reconciling.

WW: Me 33
WH: 35
Married 11 years; Together 13
2 Kids
WH DDay #1 05/8/10 (EA started 4/10)
WH DDay #2 03/1/12 (EA almost PA started 8/10)
WH DDay #3 10/12? PA
WW DDay #1 11/12/12 PA

posts: 16   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2012   ·   location: Oklahoma
id 5803133

sportsfan ( member #9918) posted at 6:55 PM on Thursday, April 26th, 2012

My W had 1 EA (says its an EA but I have my doubts) so I can't answer from experience but my feeling is that you will, one day, trust again. Maybe not for a while and certainly not if he has another A but I think you will trust again.

But "completely", i'm not so sure. I don't know if any of us can truthfully trust our WS's "completely" ever again. I believe we'd like to think we can but I don't think its possible. We need to find that place where we can be comfortable again in terms of degrees of trusting but it can no longer be a blind trust ... like virgins on a wedding night, we've lost that innocence.

The triggers will slowly become relatively pain-free. I still trigger even after almost 7 years post dday, but the triggers are only reminders now that shit happened in the past. IE; I was driving on the PA Turnpike over the weekend and went past the hotel where W and MOM met and eventually spent a couple of nights. 7 years, 6 years, 5 years ago when I would drive past it I would cringe ... the vivid thoughts of them together in there would make me vomit ... but when I drove by this weekend I didn't really think twice about it.

Godspeed on your R!!

posts: 2151   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2006   ·   location: FL
id 5810318

MartlArts ( member #36130) posted at 3:51 PM on Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

It may be harder in some ways to trust after an EA that it won't happen again because that slippery slope is so easy. They can chat, text, etc with family nearby, lines get blurred or crossed so quickly. Takes more thought planning and effort to go somewhere and undress.

excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

posts: 1078   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2012
id 5930343

ag4tg ( new member #36163) posted at 12:40 AM on Wednesday, July 18th, 2012

I am jus so angry! I don't know how to control my emotions ... D-day was June 20th( 3 days before my b'day) I found out about h ea by looking in is phone ... I have had a feeling for a while but blew it off as being paranoid and jealous.. I confronted him immediately ... Of course he went nuts and blamed me for everything! And the blame was stupid stuff like housework and such ... It didn't truly hit me till 2 days later and when it did omg

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2012   ·   location: Mississippi
id 5931071

ag4tg ( new member #36163) posted at 12:46 AM on Wednesday, July 18th, 2012

I am jus so angry! I don't know how to control my emotions ... D-day was June 20th( 3 days before my b'day) I found out about h ea by looking in is phone ... I have had a feeling for a while but blew it off as being paranoid and jealous.. I confronted him immediately ... Of course he went nuts and blamed me for everything! And the blame was stupid stuff like housework and such ... It didn't truly hit me till 2 days later and when it did omg! It was a ton of bricks! So when I got home from work and was emotional he had the balls to tell me to "get over it, it's in the past now"

He's always angry with me won't talk about it.. And I am a freakin mess becuz of it! I have begged him for encouragement, reassurance,etc.. But I get nothing! But expects me to give him what he "wants" to "keep him" WTF!!! How is that even feasible!

Please help .. I'm at the end of my rope!!

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2012   ·   location: Mississippi
id 5931084

Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 1:09 AM on Wednesday, July 18th, 2012

I'm sorry, ag4tg. Many WS's who engaged in EA's only (though many turn out to be PA's as well...) tend to minimize what they did.

Dr. Shirley Glass's book, "Not Just Friends" does a good job of outlining an EA and explaining the emotional impact on the betrayed spouse.

I highly recommend the two of you getting into counseling, if possible.

You should NOT have to sell yourself to him at this point. It would be a good idea to look into practicing the 180...

There are a lot more resources in the Healing Library in the yellow box to the upper left of this page. Please read through it and learn how to take care of yourself through this difficult emotional time.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 5931110

Ronky ( new member #36095) posted at 2:45 AM on Wednesday, July 25th, 2012

Its hard to believe that when you bring the subject up to find out all the details your told he only did it because he was lonely, Had no friends. Well what the heck was I??? I know its not the same as having a guy mate to talk to or have a beer with. But i would gladly do all the guy stuff too. Its been over a year since Last D-Day and i still dont trust. Like other things he says or does brings back memories. He says everything he said and did was only a way to keep them talking to him. So he would have someone to talk to. I guess I'm still waitiing for the day he does it again. But we signed a contract that if he does and is found out again i can just up and leave. He hates seeing me in tears knowing he has done this. But if your so lonely why not go out and meet people instead of going into chat rooms or texting strangers. He swears he has never met any of them and that he never could. Now he has met some really cool people even couples. Its hard when you move around alot with work. I keep saying to hm whats not going to stop him from doing it again if we move and he feels lonely again? All i get is a "I will never do it again". But he was caught 4 or 5 times. Its so many i have lost count. And he never thought of it as cheating, How could you not. Sometimes i wonder what things would have been like if the tables were turned and i would have been the one to have the EA. Would he have stayed or left me the first time it happened.

When will i ever trust?

When will i stop feeling like something is going on when there is nothing going on?

When will i let go and finally heal?

I have read the 180 and many other things from the healing library.

At the moment he is sick and keeps asking me to never leave him. I feel like im must be just a joke.

I just want this feeling to go away, to move on and maybe be happy.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2012   ·   location: New Zealand
id 5941558

AnnikinSkywalker ( new member #35535) posted at 4:49 AM on Friday, September 21st, 2012

I recently found out new information after the original D-Day that my fWBF had a few years back engaged in several EAs. This has hurt me more than the sexting and naked photo sharing ever could. With the cyber affairs, he simply lied and said he was single. But with the EAs, he complained about them to me. He told him he missed them, and how grateful he was to be able to have them to talk to. I've read emails exchanges of him whining about having to spend time with me, saying terrible things about me, even suggesting leaving me for them. I've never encountered anything so painful.

Me: MH - 30
Him: MH - 30
Married 1.5 Years, together over 9 years
HIS D-Day: April 1, 2012
MY D-Day: June 14, 2014
HIM: Cyber sex, sexting, webcam, several EAs for 4 years.
ME: LTA (EA/PA)with co-worker from June '13 - June '14.

posts: 19   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2012
id 6027469

Cally60 ( member #23437) posted at 9:36 PM on Sunday, September 30th, 2012

I'm so sorry for your pain and hurt, AnnikinSkywalker. I can totally relate.

My husband had an EA with a colleague that was conducted mostly on Skype and my printout of their chatlogs is hundreds of pages thick.

My husband spent a LOT of the time complaining about me. One of the hardest things for me was dealing with the sense of violation I felt, as I saw that every detail of my private home life had been shared with another person. Seeing the evidence of this worthless, immoral, self-centered woman actively encouraging my husband to trash my every action and make unfavorable comparisons between the two of us, just in order to feed her own ego devastated me at the time. I have still not come to terms with it and I am still upset, and often enraged, when I start to think about it.

Reading my husband's outpourings of love for another woman was incredibly painful. (Especially since he has never said anything of the sort to me.) I still cry sometimes, at the memory of it all.

One thing that I consoled myself with, however, was the thought that my husband spent a LOT of time talking about me! So even though he was heavily in the fog, and thought himself in love with OW, his focus was actually on his marriage and his wife. And OW was really just a channel for him to vent the misery he felt at the time and create some fantasy world that was perfect. It sounds as though your partner did something very similar.

I don't think that someone who had truly fallen for someone else would waste so much time talking about his other relationship, do you? So perhaps all your partner's complaining about you was a good sign.

My husband and I had one period of false reconciliation, but now I hope, and am almost ready to believe, that our reconciliation is for real.

As my counselor has pointed out many times, whatever he said at the time, he chose me. And, sicne her is a "former" it seems that your fWBF has done the same.

Even now, my husband is very reluctant to talk about his affair, and our marriage is by no means healed. On the bad days I still mentally go over the most hurtful things he said and wonder whether he regrets ever having married me. My husband does not want to talk about it all. From what I've read on SI and in Not 'Just Friends'

that's not good for the relationship. So if you and your partner can talk about his words and his actions, it would probably help.

One day recently, when we were talking in rather more depth than is usual for my husband, I did pluck up the courage to ask him why he had thought himself in love with OW. And he replied, apparently totally sincerely: "I was out of my mind." That gave me some comfort.

I am so sorry for your pain, AnnikinSkywalker. I hope that your partner will understand why his words have caused you so much pain, feel remorse, and work as hard as he needs to, in order to help you and your relationship heal from his betrayals. I wish you well.


[This message edited by Cally60 at 3:47 PM, September 30th (Sunday)]

posts: 2478   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2009   ·   location: California
id 6040957

lemonpulp ( new member #37122) posted at 11:39 PM on Friday, October 12th, 2012

I'm just getting out of a terrible marriage that consisted of everything you can imagine. Porn addiction, secretive browsing on Craigslist and sites dedicated to prostitution, flirting online/offline, visiting women at their homes at lying to me about it. I'm pretty sure there was at least one PA. He had an EA with a woman that began while he was geographically separated from me for some job training, culminating in him asking me for a divorce and lying about the reason. I snooped, I found out about her, and we entered marriage counseling. Three months later, he left for more job training and was right back up to his old antics with the same woman, despite me changing my entire life to suit what he felt was appropriate. I was devastated. This was 3 years ago now, and I'm still recovering from it today.

Today, we're no longer together. I've begun a new relationship with someone else, who I now live with. I'm seeing some of the same telltale signs. He flirts with women online constantly. He'll tell them they're beautiful, try to get naked photos from them, and then set up dates that he never actually goes on. I knew he flirted, but I didn't know the extent until September 28, when I finally got fed up and checked his email. I found an EA spanning the entire length of our relationship. There are naked photos from her, there are videos of her masturbating. There are invitations from him for her to come up and visit (it's a long distance thing; she lives about 5 hours away) and "fuck like the Army reserves." The email inbox also contained nude photos from 5+ other women, all obtained during our relationship, which indicates to me that there was obviously some kind of relationship that occurred for him to receive those photos.

I confronted him about all this on the same day I found out, and he promised to stop, but he has not. I can't explain how I know, but I just know. I lived with a liar for 6 years; I know when I'm being lied to now. His demeanor has changed; he doesn't act like himself. I know it's continuing. I don't know what to do from this point.

I'm afraid the only answer is to leave. I can't live with this kind of stuff happening, and he can't live without seeing the genitals of other women, it seems. He's told me that it's not serious, that I'm the only one he really cares about, and that he only does this to boost his ego. He says he doesn't need to have sex with them; it's enough to know that he COULD. I feel like, if it weren't really important to him, he could just stop at any time. The fact that he doesn't gives lie to the statement.

Right now, I'm not even sure how to confront him. I'm not sure if I should even bother, or just pack and leave. If one confrontation didn't work, I don't think any will. It's probably best to just cut my losses. I know that I can't change who he is, but I also can't change what I consider cheating.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2012   ·   location: NYC
id 6058820

sanity ( member #31281) posted at 5:42 PM on Saturday, October 27th, 2012

I too still wonder if he slept with her, but I honestly don't think it would change anything. An affair is an affair no matter what form it takes. It's about the betrayal and the secrets. Our MC told us that in most cases an EA is harder to work through than a PA because once you open yourself up emotionally to a person you have a really hard time breaking that connection to them, whereas with a sex only affair you the OP could easily be replaced with someone else to satisfy that need. I think that breaking off from an emotional affair has is unique to itself because feelings are involved. I know for me I had to standby while FWH returned to his girlfriend 7 times before he actually was able to commit to NC. The obsession (fog) that he had with that one person was so strong It was as though he had come to a point that he didn't know what he would do without her, I think for me, watching him mourn his loss of her was one of the hardest things I've ever had to witness. I know I have spent countless hours wondering if his reaction would be the same if he lost me. You try to be strong and look beyond, but let's face it. Some things plain and simple just hurt.

Me 57, WH 58 - 1 grown son. Him - multiple affair offender. Came to light Nov. 2010. Tried reconciliation but this Leopard would not change his spots.

It's not the trek to the top of the mountain that stops you. It's the pebble in your shoe.

posts: 124   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2011
id 6078212

forever faithful ( member #29621) posted at 4:40 PM on Thursday, November 1st, 2012

My H had a EA with a coworker "work wife" is the new way of saying "work whore" Still to this day I wonder if it went further.I hurt so bad when I found out that my H was too scared to hurt me anymore. We are in R and I have asked my H a few times over again if it went PA and he still says NO. I have moved on in my marriage but emotionally at times I still think about it. (((HUGS))) to anyone still stuck with that question, it really sucks!! Do I want him to come out and just say YES so I can move on from this nagging pain????

posts: 196   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2010   ·   location: Canada
id 6083947

Deanna ( member #26854) posted at 3:30 AM on Monday, December 17th, 2012

My husband had an EA (they kissed) so it may be a PA but there was no physical contact besides the kiss.

I finally believe after three years that is true. I believe getting over an EA is so difficult. Not to mention my husbands affairs was a double betrayal.

I have been through three years now of reconciliation. I love my husband very much and our marraige has never been better.

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

posts: 1673   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 6143291

freesia ( new member #37840) posted at 4:37 PM on Sunday, December 23rd, 2012

Found out 3 weeks ago about my husband's EA. Read and reread all their loving chats, messages and texts. When questioned, he said it was 'nothing', 'meaningless'...and then has 'selective memory' as to whet they both said to each other. BUT, he doesn't think that he crossed the line, because there was no sex involved. He in one country (with me around) and she in another. The number of times that he tried to fix a place for them to meet up....and the words he describes to her at his excitement of all this. Then telling her it will be easy..'I'll make some excuse to the wife. She'll believe me' he even threatened once to cancel their appointment in London, because of something that he had said to her. My husband was then angry with that..saying just how much he had been looking forward to it. If only I could find that last bit of evidence of his continual deceit...a hotel bill, air ticket..something other than written plans, then I would have the whole picture. Decisions would be so much easier to make then. I hurt so bad, cry every night and my crazy brain does not give me one moment's rest. I am constantly reliving their affair and their words. yes, an EA is FAR worse than a PA...All those things he said to her should have been given to me..I deserved them, I needed them, I trusted him, I stuck by him through troubled times. But he gave it all away to her. Life is not worth living. FUCK HIM and FUCK life!

I need to talk desperately

posts: 8   ·   registered: Dec. 18th, 2012   ·   location: Iran
id 6151084

survivor22 ( new member #37447) posted at 6:25 AM on Thursday, December 27th, 2012


I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I can understand and relate to what you are feeling. I agree that you should have been the one to deserve all the attention he gave her.

I've been thinking the same kind of thoughts for the past three days non stop too. But everytime I find myself saying F*** life and I feel like its not worth living....I remember that he is not worth that and SHE is not worth me feeling that low!! I deserve to be happy and so do you! Hope things get better!

Me: BS-30 yrs
Him WS 30 yrs
Her: OW-25 yrs
We have been Together 11 years
Engaged:2 years
E.A. lasted 6 months -1 year
DDay - May 2012
possible DDay 2 - Oct 2012

posts: 2   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2012   ·   location: Milwaukee
id 6154584

Whatdoido333 ( member #36597) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, December 27th, 2012

So sorry Freesia....send me a private message if you want to talk. I have been dealing with this for 3 years.....making progress but its the triggers that get me...and the lies....he continues to lie...

posts: 141   ·   registered: Aug. 24th, 2012
id 6154901

melamber ( member #38591) posted at 5:56 PM on Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

I've come to join. 5mths after our 3rd child was born my hubby admitted he had been having an EA with a woman at work. I knew but just had to prove it. 2mths after the birth he dirfted away and emotionally shut himself off from me and our kids. He lied to spend time with her and hid msgs they shared. He made feel at times I was going mad and turned me into a mess. He then went on to kiss her at work then arrange to go out with her,where they kissed again.He then went on to go out with her again and saw her drop him home.It was then he admitted all of it. We are in R.For me even though the kissing hurts I find the emotional contection hard to deal with the most. We are now 5mths on and I find I'm OK doing day to day things. I have bad days and triggers. WH has done what I've asked to move forward and seems to want R.

D-DAY -22ND OCT 2012

posts: 73   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2013   ·   location: uk
id 6263933

Uneek ( member #38416) posted at 8:07 AM on Wednesday, March 27th, 2013

melamber, I know what you mean about the emotional connection. My story is in my profile, but for me the hardest part is knowing there were days where I was actively ignored in favor of communicating with the object of his obsession. Valentine's Day 2012 I texted him 3 times and he didn't respond - told me he was too busy at work. Apparently, not that busy, since he traded 36 text messages with her. It hurts like hell to realize you've been replaced.

[This message edited by Uneek at 8:07 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

posts: 114   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2013
id 6274577

stilltrying2025 ( member #39145) posted at 8:41 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2013

On Thanksgiving Day, 2012 I found out my WH was texting another woman that he met while he was working on the road. It was almost every day they were texting each other. It could start at 6:30 in the morning and the latest text sent at 3:00 in the morning. Granted, it wasn't all day every day but it was here and there. I feel so hurt and betrayed. Of course he erases the messages so I can't see what is being said. He says they are just "friends". He even sat down with my mother while he was drunk one night and swore on his father's grave that it was nothing more then friendship, never had been and never would be. She of course believes him now.

I had a bad feeling this morning when I woke up so I've been checking the cell phone bill and guess what, he's texting her again today. After having such a great weekend with him, why would he start this up again?

I'm scared to death becasue later this week he will be going on the road for his construction job and will be within an hour of her. I don't know if he will try to meet up with her or not but still. How much pain does this man think he needs to put me through!

EA are so hard, especially when you can't read the other person's mind. I'm always wondering what he's thinking, does this song remind him of her, etc.

My story and journal are public if you want to know the whole story.

Just needed to vent today......

Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

posts: 184   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2013   ·   location: Minnesota
id 6325132

darklilly23 ( new member #39457) posted at 11:25 PM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013


I think I am a member of this club. WH long term long distance. EA I am working on writing up my story.

Thank you so much for this thread, I know I am not alone!

posts: 33   ·   registered: Jun. 5th, 2013
id 6362891
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