SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A Christmas crash out…

Dday was in March. Found out about multiple EAs. H swore there was nothing more. I gave him every opportunity to be transparent and tell me everything. Maybe if he had, then we wouldn’t be in this position now, or maybe the separation would have happened then.
Unfortunately, Sunday I found out that he has been lying, weird. There were PAs, in fact, there were many. I am so mad. Friends, friends of friends, randoms. People knew. He bragged about them to his Buddies. I cannot stay with him any longer. I would be disrespecting myself, now knowing what I know. We decided that we would get through Christmas, but then today he was hugging me and making sexual comments and I unraveled. He had the audacity to say to me tonight "ya, okay, I hooked up with a couple chicks… I would never do that now". I cannot explain the color of red I saw in that moment. Thankfully I kept my grace. I told him I am moving out with our child. That I cannot be with someone who loves like he does. I’m mad that he has wasted, yet another year of my life. I’m mad that so many people knew. I’m also so freaking mad at myself that I’ve put up with this for so long. I knew, I didn’t accept the thought, but deep down, I knew. I believed him. I trusted him, even though I shouldn’t have. I don’t believe he has remorse, I believe he is upset because he got caught and is now having to deal with the consequences. So anyways, I have decided that, for my sanity and to heal, I have to move out and get out of the cycle.

There is a strange peace when you reach the point where you know what you have to do. It doesn’t make it easy or less painful, but you have certainty in what your path forward needs to be.

My therapist kept telling me "you’ll know when you know" and i really didn’t understand until we had another DDAY and then BOOM. I knew, and it all made sense.

The roller coaster continues for a while, but it is nearing the end of the very shitty ride.

Please read the pinned post fear vs reality at the top of this forum, and retain a really good lawyer who will help you get what you are entitled to.
(Visit a few of the best lawyers in town - once you engage them for an interview then he cannot use them. Find the one you think will work for you.)

Meanwhile start implementing the 180 to help you detach.

You will get through this and 2026 will be a much better year. Best of luck to you!

My therapist said the same thing ("You'll know when you know") and was also right. We all have a breaking point, and it sounds like you've reached your Arae. The timing is terrible (not that there is ever a good time! But the holidays - ugh), and what he's done is also terrible. Don't let him DARVO or guilt you into staying. Divorce is hard, and it takes a lot of strength, but you're going to start feeling so much better once he's out of your life.

What both of those responses said. Absolutely. I remember the exact moment I knew. I thought it would be more painful than the pain I was already in. It wasn't. There was a peace about it. Sure, the hurt was still there, but in that moment I knew there would be an end to it, and you will too. Wishing you peace in the New Year.

When you're done you're done, but it's hard not to get sucked back into a vortex of emotions.

We may realize we're done, feel that we're done, and want to be done. Those are all valid.

I whole heartedly advise if you can, cut contact if you can. This will help you heal.

I'm not able to do so, and I can tell you it's negatively impacted 7+ years trying to mentally detach while stuck working with him, and seeing every bit of his life with new women. I wish I could walk away and never think on it again, but I can't.

We ruminate about having been lied to, when our gut told us the truth, but we believed them anyway.
We struggle with the years, or decades of wasted time we spent for someone unworthy of our love, time or devotion.
We are left with all the baggage emotionally, and physically for things they did to us that we had no voice in or part of.
We are disappointed, disillusioned, abandoned, replaced, our trust is broken and our lives destroyed for their benefit and our detriment.

We deserved to be loved, respected, cherished, but we weren't. We are not capable of the actions they had. We would never do to them what they so easily did to us, yet we must go on, heal and come to terms with the horrible reality that they did it with no care for the pain it causes. They move on like we never existed, laughing, living their fantasy sometimes seemingly blissful and unremorseful and we still have to live and heal from things we never asked for or deserved. We are survivors.

Don't beat yourself up for giving chances where none were earned. You believed in the illusion that he was capable of being a decent human being. You were deceived and are facing the reality vs the fantasy we create in our own minds. The death of hope, and happily ever after with them. That ship has sailed and now you must sail alone till you figure things out.

Hugs to you during all of this. May you find peace, and understanding for yourself, that you never deserved any of this.