SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am having a really difficult time finding a way to explain to my husband why I did what I did without sounding like I am blaming him and not taking responsibility for my own actions. I have not confessed yet to my husband because he is out of town but I plan to when he gets home.
Because my husband has cheated on me in the past, and I feel like we never got past that, I believe that opened the door for me to cheat on him. I still made the decision, I know. But I have never felt like he took complete responsibility for his actions. We just tried to move on. But I have never trusted him fully. And always felt like I was waiting for him to do it again. It killed any confidence and self worth. However, I have been fairly good at concealing that. But I have definitely craved outside validation from others.

There is no justification for infidelity.

I do not want to put words into your mouth, but escapism is a common tactic when a person does not have good coping skills surrounding all sorts of things.

I will say it’s best not to try and justify the reasons, but to start by telling him what has happened. Focus on what you want to do about it. It’s fine to say "I don’t want to be this person, and I would like to attend therapy" Then go figure out how to have a healthier self image so that I do not feel the need to rely so heavily on external validation.

There are no reasons that will make it better to him. I would just keep the focus on how you want to proceed and let him proceeds through that initial impact. It’s best to keep it factual. I had an affair with (insert name) it lasted this many months or years. It is over. Answer his questions. justifying it to him is going to make things worse. That is a product of your shame over what you have done. Shame Al am lead you down wrong paths. Try and treat him the way you would want to be treated,m. Understand you may not have all your whys at this point. After all, he may have contributed to your issues, but you had other choices. That is not a judgmental statement, I have done the same as you.

What you describe is very common human reaction to doing wrong.
As a young cop my veteran mentor once pointed out that no matter what we stopped people doing, they would always have an excuse while accepting their guilt.
We got numerous "I know I was speeding, but everyone speeds here" or "I have an important appointment". We seldom (if ever) got "Wow. I realize I’m in a school-zone and that at this speed I’m endangering both my life and the lives of others, and there is no place I need to be that comes close to justifying that risk."
Got the same excuses for nearly any imaginable event or crime: "Yes – she did say "no", but her actions indicated she wanted it rough", "I’m only stealing their TV – their insurance will reimburse them and it’s not my problem if they aren’t insured". Maybe the worst one I heard personally was the pedo who insisted giving young boys wasn’t harmful because they wanted it and enjoyed it.

Fact is you decided to cheat. Just like he decided to cheat. You are accountable for your actions, and you have the blame for deciding to cheat. Just like he does.