SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me: 51, BS | Him: 48, WS | Married 10 years | No shared children, mine are grown, and we have 3 grandkids who adore him.

I got sober a year into our marriage while supporting two of my children in recovery. My life is now rooted in recovery, and I threw myself into starting a program to help others—one my H was committed to supporting with me. Early on, He’s struggled with boundaries around his drinking, but he made big changes to his habits to stay married to me. For the last seven years, there’s been no alcohol in our house until recently. I came home from work and saw alcohol on the counter, which led to me discovering he’s been drinking behind my back and hiding bottles in his closet. Clearly there’s a bigger problem here, and I know I’ve been willfully naïve at times to avoid "rocking the boat." He has also been skilled at living a double life until lately.

Over the last few years, financial violations piled up. He drained our savings to cover his canceled work credit card (several times), maxed out a personal credit card, and hid it. This summer, I dug into the details and discovered frequent visits—sometimes every other day—to Asian massage parlors. He claims they were just for massages (he has injuries), but the ads I found paint a different picture. I even sat outside one of the places he frequented for an hour trying to picture him going into such an obviously shady place, and then I saw someone who looked just like him leave. It was a wake up, call and helped me look more into this and discover that it’s more common than I thought. It makes me sick, especially knowing that some of those girls were probably trafficked.

He’s in denial, full of shame for being caught, not for what he’s done. He justifies his behavior and isn't taking full accountability, especially around the AMP visits. I’ve temporarily separated and asked for a legal separation to protect myself financially. He accuses me of abandoning him and blames his actions on depression, insisting he doesn’t need a program of recovery and thinks I am being too hard on him. I told him recovery *is* addressing those behaviors. He’s refusing to take accountability, and I feel like I’m dealing with someone stuck before Step One. I am kind of shocked because he knows that my life revolves around integrity and honesty, and he has admitted that to the degree that I am growing he is sinking. I know he is sick and unwilling to get real help.

The timing is devastating. My program is in the process of receiving state funding but is currently held together by my unpaid time. Now I need to find a job, consider moving in with my grown son, and rebuild after WS spent our savings.

I’ve asked him to choose between separation and divorce, hinging on real recovery work, but he blew up in anger. I think it’s important for him to at least be offered the choice, but if he refuses to make one, I will file for divorce next week.

It’s humiliating, heartbreaking, and hard to reconcile how our marriage spiraled like this (well, kind of because I know I enabled it). I just wanted a happy, healthy life together which he pursued off and on but never embraced. It feels like he sabotaged everything, and I’m trying to hold it together emotionally while I stick to my boundaries, even though it’s so hard—especially right before Christmas.

Has anyone been through something similar? I could really use some support and insight, even if it’s a kick in the butt. I have a sponsor who knows both of us and is holding me accountable to making the changes that I want to see in my life. I guess I’m learning to let go of the fantasy I made up of how things would be better once I start bringing in a good paycheck. I now realize this is a much deeper problem, and I’m tired of wondering what else he is doing behind my back.

Bumping this up to the top

Welcome to SI and sorry that you are joining us. First, I recommend the posts that are pinned to the top of this forum as well as those with the bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of resources.

Do you have an IC (individual counselor)? I recommend IC with a betrayal trauma specialist because they are trained in dealing with trauma - and infidelity is trauma. Bonus points if they also have infidelity listed as something they can work with.

While you feel humiliated, you really shouldn't. You didn't do anything to cause him to do this, it's a result of his own poor boundaries and poor decisions. And his story about massages isn't passing my sniff test, either. If there's a possibility that he has inserted his penis in any orifice, then it would be a good idea to get STD/STI tested.

My XWH (wayward ex-husband) did a bunch of porn, but didn't visit massage parlors that I'm aware of. There's a thread in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum for emotionless infidelity. We do have members whose WS (wayward spouse) who have visited massage parlors.

R (reconciliation) is difficult with two willing partners. From what you describe, he doesn't seem to be interested in R. It sounds like he's on a downward spiral and I hope he can get the help he needs.

I guess I’m learning to let go of the fantasy I made up of how things would be better once I start bringing in a good paycheck.

I fell into this trap, too. I tried so hard to keep the peace and cover foro XWH's behavior. I thought if I made more money, that he'd be happier, we could do more things together, etc. Kind of like Ralphy in A Christmas Story and the A+++. There was nothing that was going to fill the gaping hole of need that XWH is. (He's diagnosed as having narcissistic personality disorder. What they call a covert narc these days.) It takes awhile for the rose colored glasses to come off and to stop hoping that he'd return to being the (false) person that I'd fallen in love with.

There is an alcoholic in my extended family. When anyone, however kindly, makes a suggestion on how he can get, and stay, sober his anger goes through the roof. You are trying to have a rational conversation with an irrational brain. It has been hijacked by his addiction. Don’t know where I read this but it might help you, active addicts hear wawawa#@$&wawawa when you talk. Their brains are trying to figure out how they can get the next drink or hit. They might nod, and even sound sober but they are not. It takes a very long time sober before the brain actually stops obsessing about the addiction.
You can’t fix him, or your marriage, as long as he is still drinking.
Look after your own finances and your mental health. It is honestly the only things you have some control over. His addiction controls everything else.