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Newest Member: Groholl

General :
A question of curiosity, input from WS's welcome

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Dreamdaisy (original poster member #67729) posted at 8:59 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

Firstly, I guess I keep posting here because this is the place I find comfort.

As some of you already know, I have recently had lots of issues with WS not helping much with making me feel safe in the relationship (reconciliation) after he betrayed me. Rather he has gone in the opposite direction.

This is a question of curiosity, because as it stands now, I have all but detached from this drama and psychological & emotional merry go-round. Just to recap, he pursued (only by text that I know of) his female "friend" even though he was told to back off (perhaps formed an emotional connection? I am not sure. (FULL STORY IN MY ORIGINAL POST)

SO, just what are the reasons for this stuff

1. Lack of interest in doing the work
2. Lack of any forthcoming intimacy
3. Inability to show empathy for the BS's feelings

I know I really shouldn't keep tormenting myself with this stuff, but it's on my mind and need to get it out

posts: 121   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8808761
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MintChocChip ( member #83762) posted at 9:08 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

DD can I just check I have understood that basically he cheated (sort of) 5 years ago and you're reposting now because he's not done the work in all that time / ogles other women and doesn't put effort generally into the relationship?

If that's right - where does it crossover from "he hasn't done the work" to "this is just a bad relationship.

My WS was terrible at doing the work (so I left) but the relationship was great if we took the affair and how I felt about it out of the picture - he put a lot of effort into it etc.

I am not sure if I am reading this wrong, but what are your reasons for staying?

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 269   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808767
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 Dreamdaisy (original poster member #67729) posted at 9:41 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

MintChocChip,

Sorry, I guess the post is all over the place.

There have been several D day's throughout this period, providing bits of truth, hidden phone & messages that were never mentioned etc, it went on for a long time, up and down, rollercoaster. He did counseling 15 months ago, which was when I took the reconciliation seriously..so yes, sorry to say it has taken a lot of time to realise it is all a sham

Reasons for staying..for now, lack of finances, ongoing challenges of dealing with health issues.

posts: 121   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8808775
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MintChocChip ( member #83762) posted at 10:40 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

So there's no positives in the relationship to actually stay for?

If that's the case, then the solution to the problem is to get your ducks in a row to leave!

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 269   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808788
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 11:53 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

SO, just what are the reasons for this stuff

1. Lack of interest in doing the work
2. Lack of any forthcoming intimacy
3. Inability to show empathy for the BS's feelings

My off the cuff response:

1 - Work is hard and makes them uncomfortable.
2 - Could be fear, could be guilt, could be general dickishness (depends on the person)
3 - That is either a legit personality disorder OR a choice (because showing empathy means they did something wrong)

Read up on the 180 Dreamdaisy. And buckle up for a long and bumpy ride. Focus your time/effort/energy on your own healing journey (it not fair, it does hurt and it will suck - I promise you are worth it)

He can pull his head out of his ass or not - and some take a lot longer than others [ahem - Mr Chaos - ahem].

But your focus right now and for the near future should be on you.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3738   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8808794
Topic is Sleeping.
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