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Newest Member: Groholl

Wayward Side :
Me

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Bulcy (original poster member #74034) posted at 9:53 PM on Wednesday, July 5th, 2023

Some of my posts on here are to seek advice, some to offer support, some to seek support.

This post is me opening up to you guys about me. Who I have been since our 2017 d-day and who I am right now in 2023.

I do try to post on here to support other posters, I give them examples of my wayward behaviour and advice to avoid the complete lack of decent behaviour I have subjected my BS to. I try to caveat that this advice is coming from someone who is still wayward and struggling along the road to the beginnings of R. I feel a hypocrite giving advice to people when I have subjected my BS to worse behaviour and continue in hurting her with my struggle to be the open and honest man she needs me to be.

I've written a fair bit on my infidelity. In the three years I've been active on this site my time line has changed multiple times. There have been multiple d-days and I've ignored advice given to me by people on this site. For those of you who have helped me in the past, this is not news. However I have still omitted behaviours from you, that I feel really should be out there.

In 2021 I attended a domestic abuse course. I posted yesterday about resentment towards BS. 18 months ago, this resentment caused by my reluctance to acknowledge never mind own my past. I hated every time BS brought up the affairs and I was not able to lie my way out of my feelings of hurt and pain. I was being forced to face them and I did not want to. I used my physical size advantage to grab my BS and p her t the bed while screaming into her face. I punched a cupboard door to get her to stop challenging me and to avoid any responsibility for my past. While I recognised and regretted what I did, I did not properly accept my abusive behaviour until I enrolled on this course. I contacted a local charity and enrolled. I had an interview with the charity to assess my needs. In this interview I described my physical assault. I said I pinned her to the bed while screaming in her face, I said "I was not in control of myself, but at least I did not hit her"...Yes, those words passed my lips. The course corrected this thought and also helped me recognise and try t change other abusive behaviours (physical intimidation, male privilege, financial abuse to name but three). Even now the abusive behaviour continues with TT and extremely slow progress in owning my behaviours and dealing with my own thoughts and feelings. My post yesterday on resentment is driven by this abusive behaviour. I cannot be who I was and when resentment builds I'm triggered into remembering how I let this become a physical assault. I'm not in the same place any more, but if I'm triggering the BS is too. Even taking resentment at the time it is happening, this is holding back the flow of the conversation. yes, I'm trying to own the feelings behind this, but it gets i the way of us going "us". Another trigger to past behaviour when I would argue just to stop the conversation.

I've lied, a lot. To BS, to myself, to you guys, to several counsellors (both MC and IC). In recent months I've been telling myself that there are no more lies. However, things don't make sense in my time line. Historically, if it did not make sense, I was lying. Now, I've been adamant that I'm not lying. I have said that I can't remember things. While this is true in most instances, I'm still admitted to something a few weeks ago. Something which compared to other things I've told my BS is minor. Also, when we do talk rationally and I'm not being resentful or defensive, we unpick things. See where I've hidden memories or lied so much I believe my own narrative. Once again BS and I are going through the time line. We will focus on where things don't make sense and try to make sense of it. I need to lose the resentment and work with BS on what the fuck happened.

My BS hurting, she is physically and mentally broken and I'm the one who is causing this.

I said to BS an hour ago that I was going to read and will be 10 minutes. This is the third attempt at writing this post and I'm struggling.

I will continue

WH (50's)

Multiple sexual, emotional and online affairs. Financial infidelity and emotional abuse. Physical abuse and intimidation.

D-days 2003, 2017, multiple d-days and TT through 2018 to 2023. 28 years of destructive and health damaging choice

posts: 356   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8798301
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 10:33 PM on Wednesday, July 5th, 2023

Bulcy

While not giving you a pass for your past behavior, I do applaud you for sticking it out and trying to do the work. As you are all too aware, this is a very thought road to travel.

Stick with it and keep moving forward.

Me -FWS

posts: 2096   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8798305
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 7:42 PM on Thursday, July 6th, 2023

Bulcy

Regarding my FOO...my mother was a narcissist. So was my brother to some degree, but also a sadist. At school, I was bullied, teased and beat up. The son of my mother's friend started to sexually molest me.

The reason I'm mentioning all these little things is that I realized over time (and through MUCH therapy) that I had, pretty much since birth, been taught that my own life had little to no value whatsoever, and that my only redeeming value was in how much and how well I could please others. When I made others happy, I got praise and validation. When I didn't, I got beat up, punished, teased and demeaned in many ways.

All of this taught me a life lesson and became the basis for my personality. I avoided anything that made me look bad in others eyes, because if I did, then all my value was lost and I suffered as a result. This become a problem over time, and I learned to not take criticism well at all. Not that I got criticized very often, I made sure of that. So I became... wonderful. Because that's what the world wanted me to be. I tried to be as smart and funny and interesting and helpful as possible so that everyone that met me would think I was just "the bees knees" and love me - love me - love me. That's how I got my own self-worth, and it is how I kept others happy constantly so that my supply of compliments and adoration would remain also remain constant.

This became a real issue for me however. I did not, and still do not sometimes, take criticism well. Even minor, simple things send me flying emotionally. If I pick up a plate of food and someone says to me, "Hey, you forgot your napkin" it makes me feel like a complete fool and a total failure. I'll feel stupid and useless, and worse, depending on who it is and where it is, I might also insulted, defensive, angry. I don't see it or feel it like other "normal" people do, who would just say, "Oh silly me, thanks for letting me know". Instead, I crumble. I rage. I die. I fight. I either implode or explode or some fucked up combination of both. It's really very hard-coded in me, because it was my reality growing up, and that's when our brains set those kinds of expectations and define our realities.

I had to get past this in order to R. Hell, I had to get past it just to survive as a human. I can't keep living a false life, constantly hustling for my own worth and trying to please others, it's impossible to keep that up, and it leaves me empty and needy, all the time. It's a constant battle. I still, to this day, will flash to anger or hurt very quickly, and other people rarely realize that it's happening, or happening so severely. So every time that happens, I have to "course correct" in my head. I have to actually stop, and analyze it. "This is what just happened. This is how I feel about it. Do I think it meant to hurt me? If not, why am I so hurt? How do I want to feel?"

But part of it too was therapy. There was more. There was shame. OMG there was so much fucking shame, and that shame runs right to my core. I've never been enough, since birth. How the fuck do you overcome that?

Well, for me, I had to go back and really dig into that shame. For me, that meant I had to try to remember the things in my life that made me feel shame. My therapist had me keep going back, to the earliest possible memory of shame I had. My "Original Shame" if you will. Turns out, with some deep thought and determination, I found it. I remember being a little boy in preschool. I was a pretty smart kid, gifted actually. And as I mentioned, I was the most well behaved kid you can imagine. I always felt more capable than the other kids of my own age. I took some pride in that. So you can imagine how I felt one day when I had an accident and peed my pants, in front of all the other kids in pre-school. I was just so ashamed of myself. I felt like a complete fool and a failure and a loser. The school called my mother to bring some dry clothes for me, and when she got there... well, she made it worse. A normal, loving mother would have consoled their child, told them that it's okay, that it happens to everyone, that it's no big deal, and remind their child how much they are loved and how great they are. Not my mom. She laughed. She AND the teacher laughed. They didn't even let me go the bathroom to change, and my mother just redressed me in front of everyone while making me feel like even more of a fool and loser. The shame was cemented into me that day, and I learned that shame was both my identity and my burden. No one was going to protect me or help me or love me. And I being made to feel like a fool and publically demeaned. And so... well, things just progressed from there.

Realizing that as an adult... helped some. I was able to go back and see the story for what it was. I didn't fail that day, SHE did. I wasn't the loser, SHE was. My mother should have protected me and chose instead to make herself feel big. I went through exercises where I tried to put my adult self into the memory, and I went back, and told little Dom all the things that should have been said. I was my own parent in a way, and I had to make up my own love and support because I still needed it. As an adult, I still needed it. I needed to start "the reprogramming" at the beginning, and that was it.

I think this is the part you may be missing. As I've said, I don't think it's about your marriage, at all. It's about you. It's not your wife that sends you into a rage, it's your chosen response. You just don't yet know how to choose differently. It still hurts too much. You get overwhelmed and insulted and it sends you into a rage... and that makes total sense. I'm not saying it's okay, but I AM saying it makes total, 100% sense to feel that way. Now, you need to make the changes to feel differently, to react differently. That doesn't happen by "white knuckling it", it happens by making one small change at a time, reprogramming the things in you that you don't want, and growing the things you do. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes a thousand failures for one small advancement sometimes. But it IS possible, and once you get the ball rolling, it gets easier.

Hang in there. I've said this, and so have others... we're proud of you for sticking with it, for choosing to be vulnerable here, for not running away and hiding. And while I can't speak for everyone, I really do believe in you. I don't know if you can save your marriage... that a whole other topic. But I believe you can save yourself. And I think maybe your wife believes it too, otherwise she would have bailed a long time ago. But don't worry about that for now... you can't control others, so don't. Control what you can. Fix yourself first. Do so with compassion and forgiveness to yourself. Don't be angry when you fail, instead, be motivated to fix it already.

One of my mentors on SI when I started here swore to me that one day, I get sick of my own shit, and decide to stop being that person. He was right. So I say the same thing to you. When you really get sick of being angry and hurt and empty, you get sick of responding like a child instead of a man, you'll change, on purpose, and with direction and goals. Talk with your therapist and see if you both can come up with some ways to approach this. Find your sources of shame, of anger, or anything that needs to be brought to light and addressed. That's where to start.

Good luck my friend. It's shit-show, but hey... we've got front row seats.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1420   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8798398
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 Bulcy (original poster member #74034) posted at 6:09 PM on Sunday, July 9th, 2023

I think this is the part you may be missing. As I've said, I don't think it's about your marriage, at all. It's about you. It's not your wife that sends you into a rage, it's your chosen response. You just don't yet know how to choose differently. It still hurts too much. You get overwhelmed and insulted and it sends you into a rage... and that makes total sense. I'm not saying it's okay, but I AM saying it makes total, 100% sense to feel that way. Now, you need to make the changes to feel differently, to react differently. That doesn't happen by "white knuckling it", it happens by making one small change at a time, reprogramming the things in you that you don't want, and growing the things you do. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes a thousand failures for one small advancement sometimes. But it IS possible, and once you get the ball rolling, it gets easier

This resonates with me. I have certainly felt overwhelmed recently. I need to make more changes and faster. There are several things I need to "get over". The need to be liked, the need to be right, the need to "fix" everything. These default responses are difficult to shake. I don't know who long I've defaulted to these as well as lying. Certainly I've lied as far back as I can remember.

So every time that happens, I have to "course correct" in my head. I have to actually stop, and analyze it. "This is what just happened. This is how I feel about it. Do I think it meant to hurt me? If not, why am I so hurt? How do I want to feel?"

I try a similar thing, I need to make this my default thought. I have to be conscious of my feelings and how I'm reacting before I can "course correct" that's the challenge.

WH (50's)

Multiple sexual, emotional and online affairs. Financial infidelity and emotional abuse. Physical abuse and intimidation.

D-days 2003, 2017, multiple d-days and TT through 2018 to 2023. 28 years of destructive and health damaging choice

posts: 356   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8798794
Topic is Sleeping.
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