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Newest Member: May28

Just Found Out :
How did this happen?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Blindsided12yrs (original poster new member #83375) posted at 1:05 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. Having an issue with one of his kids so checked his phone to see if they were chatting about it. Discovered texts from "her", confronted him and he told me that they had been having an affair for 12 years. Although they were only physical for the first 3 years, they have kept in touch. There were only 12 months of texts but it was very evident that my husband was persistent in texting her (19 out of the 20 sets of texts) and she wasn’t engaging the way he had hoped and yet he continued. This happened 2 weeks ago and my world is blown apart. We have decided not to tell anyone besides our therapist and I feel so alone. Heartbroken, shocked, depressed.
He downplays the texts and has now blocked her, we sent her a text saying I knew and he would not be in any contact with her. I have complete access to all his electronics now.
Reaching out on here for some support and opinions. I honestly have no idea what I should do.

posts: 1   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8792147
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 1:32 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Very sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. Please read in the healing library and the pinned threads for newbies. You have suffered a real trauma. It is important to take care of you. Make you a priority. Eat healthy, exercise, and do see an IC if available. You are going to be on an emotional rollercoaster as you process this betrayal trauma. Do get tested for STD’s. Your WH has been lying to you and deceiving you for twelve years. You can not trust that he is telling the truth that the stopped having sex after the first three years. You probably only know the tip of the iceberg. See an attorney to learn your rights. Take no blame for his cheating. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused him to cheat.

If the AP is married I recommend exposing the A to her OBS. It’s the right thing to do. He deserves to know. Your WH has maintained a second secret relationship behind your back. He needs serious IC to address his serious lack of integrity and honesty. His infidelity may be a dealbreaker for you. If you are like the rest of us you will vacillate between wanting your old life back and never wanting to see him again. Give yourself time. You will figure out what you want. If you have children be there for them as well. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3885   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8792148
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 1:38 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

So sorry to read.
Many things need to be done.
But first and foremost look after yourself first.
You will be going through a range of emotions but make no long term decisions on a heated emotional exchange. Some things need to be heard but once heard it cannot be unheard so be careful what you ask.
Expose their actions to the other betrayed spouse (OBS). You don’t need his permission for this. If it has been going on for the duration then you and the OBS have made many long term life decisions based on a lie (their deception).
Seek legal advice from a reputable lawyer as you need to know your rights and his responsibilities for all circumstances.
Is he truly remorseful or just spewing that their emotional and physical affair has been discovered?
To move forward he needs to sever all communication so get him to draft a no contact letter and you get to approve and press send. Then block access on all devices. No lovey dovey shit just don’t contact ever again! CC her OBS on that as well.
Sleeping will come hard for a long time so please eat healthy and drink water, try to steer clear of booze and non prescription medications. Try to get out and exercise even if it is a walk around the block. Confide in a parent or close friend. Get him to tell both families as well for support for you.
There are a lot more things STD checks etc but more learned people will cover this.
Good luck to you and take one day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1318   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8792150
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 1:01 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

12 years??? Forgive me for being the Debbie Downer, but simply cutting contact and having access to his electronics won’t be enough. They likely planned many workarounds and avenues of alternate communication methods in the event they get caught.

12 years is plenty of practice for him, after all. Exercise caution.

posts: 556   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8792413
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Fof9303 ( member #70433) posted at 2:00 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

I will just say this. I am sorry. I feel your pain. You did not deserve this. Let the dust settle. No need to make a decision on anything right now. This is your life and no one has to live it but you, so take your time. If you stay, he has to do anything and everything to make you feel safe... and you decide what that is.. not him. I am sorry you are in this situation. Take care of yourself. I will pray that you feel better with each passing day. God Bless.

posts: 179   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8792416
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:56 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Hi Blindsided
When you say therapist, do you mean your marriage counselor (MC)? Or are you both using the same person for your individual counseling (IC)? Be wary of MC— your MC did not cheat. Your Wayward spouse (WS) did, and HE needs to be in IC to dig very deep and understand why he spent more than a decade lying cheating, sneaking around while exposing your to STD/STI. And how he will change so that he no longer is an unsafe partner. It will be very hard to undo 12 years of lying, especially since it sounds from your post like he was in the pursuer role in the last year. He’s not going to be able to white knuckle, cold-turkey this.

As the others said, right now focus on YOU and the kids.
1) Get STD tested. Make him do it too. He’s a lying liar, so he needs to get tested and show you the results. Use protection or no sex until you are both tested.
2) Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, get exercise and sleep. These help your body and your mind and will help you weather this storm. Talk to your doc if you are having trouble sleeping or anxiety issues.
3) Get IC for yourself to help you figure out what you need. You need someone to talk to that is not him to sort this out.
4) See a couple lawyers to get knowledge, not to file. Knowledge is power and understanding what D might look like will help a lot. The fear of the unknown keeps us in freeze mode.
5) Look into finances. Has he been spending on her for 12 years? You need to protect your financial future.
6) Understand that his cheating is not about you. He cheated because he wanted to - never let him put any of the blame on you. It’s 100% on him.

And breathe. Meditate. Journal. Do you have anyone IRL to talk to? Pastor? Bestie? Sister? Someone you trust who will be on your side no matter you do? that plus IC will be really helpful.

Keep posting. Read in the healing library and all the posts throughout the JFO forum with the bullseyes.

You will figure out what to do.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5985   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8792424
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BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 11:37 PM on Saturday, May 27th, 2023

Hi @Blindsided I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this and my heart goes out to you. Firstly I want to encourage you to remember that no matter what has happened, you are worthy of love that can be trusted.

IC should help you to process what has happened and the best way forward. I know you said you both decided not to tell anyone but from my own experience, I think it will be good for you to have a close friend or family member that you trust to confide in and be a listening ear and support for you as you navigate the days ahead.

Also do not rug sweep what has happened even if that's what your H is trying to do in order to try and go back to normality quickly, I've found out that is never helpful in rebuilding the broken trust. Also I suggest you try not to make any major decisions for now but give yourself some time.

I know you will be feeling a roller coaster of emotions but please be gentle with yourself and don't despair. You deserve answers from your H as to why he has been unfaithful for so long in your marriage, hopefully your therapist will be able to mediate for both of you especially when emotions are high.

Sending you much hugs ))) and a prayer for strength and wisdom for what to do.

posts: 270   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8792859
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 3:02 AM on Thursday, June 1st, 2023

If possible to heal and rebuild, that is a difficult but worth it route, especially with kids. This world is getting to be such that it is so very much worth it to have someone in your corner.

posts: 353   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8793326
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 12:57 AM on Saturday, July 1st, 2023

Have you considered counseling. Very difficult spot to be in.

posts: 353   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8797741
Topic is Sleeping.
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