I've had a whole shit ton of emotional issues to deal with of late and regret not being online as often as I should to share with you all.
I've been utterly overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and empathy (Feeling true empathy is new to me and actually feeling it has triggered so many emotions I struggle knowing what the hell is going on some days). It turns out I've been an emotional vacuum for 40+ years of my 50 on the planet. It also turns out that trying to let out 40+ years of emotions out really fucks you up.
So, working with a local health service wellbeing and mental health advisor (well, applied for support last week, have to wait 14 days to hear back...but it's NHS so free) Hopefully this will help me get myself in order.
My question to you guys is how did you/do you cope with the intense feelings that flow over you when you finally realise and begin accepting the extent of the damage you've caused? I've tried just "coping with it" but that was a major rug sweep. I've been trying to let them happen and when they do, speak to and reach out to BS. This is working, but frustratingly slow and cam get in the way of other work I'm attempting to do with BS.
There are times I struggle with basics. Cleaning the house, focussing on my job, cooking healthy meals rather than take away. It's impacting my sleep. I realise this has been the case for BS for years now, this realisation hurts and makes me feel worse. I feel like a complete hypocrite when speaking to BS about how I'm feeling as she is feeling the same, yet worse. Also, knowing that it was me who inflicted this on us both, makes my feelings seem less valid as they're self inflicted. While this (the self inflicted part) is true, BS and I have agreed that I need to talk about it, as it does benefit us both. We have agreed that the timing of these conversations is important. They can be very triggering.
WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022
My history is not my destiny