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Newest Member: May28

Divorce/Separation :
MH here... am I a failure in my recovery if we head to D?

Topic is Sleeping.
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 10:19 PM on Thursday, April 20th, 2023

MI don't you see that you are trying to control the outcome, by turning yourself inside out so he doesn't behave badly?
He is not doing the work, he blames you every time things are a bit tough.
It is so unhealthy. You are a good person. You have done the work. You get it.

Your H is choosing not to, he wants to stay the hurt bear. You can't fix that, only he can. I do think distance will be healthy, but together in the same home, it isn't going to happen not effectively. You need to see you as you are and not what he says you are.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20174   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8787746
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 MIgander (original poster member #71285) posted at 2:58 AM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

You’re right, I am turning myself inside out for this to work. I think something in me has just died after all this. Not snapped, just exhausted. Went to choir, drove to the Kroger next town over and bought myself some flowers I like for me. I’m not going to wait on him to get it and start treating me better. I’m going to just do what that Miley Cyrus song says…

Not sure about how IHS is going to work, but I’m definitely detaching. Too exhausted to try.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1178   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8787786
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 12:43 AM on Saturday, April 22nd, 2023

Mig I've been here just about the same time as you have. I've watched your journey here and as a total stranger on the interwebs I can tell you that I've seen your growth over the years. Yes you're still a work in progress, but we all are. A failure? I think not mig.

I feel for your h, I do. But you. cannot. do. his. work. for. him. You could be the perfect wife and say all the perfect things and never fight or argue or anything, but if he's determined to be unhappy it would never be enough. He has to do his own healing work and you can't MAKE that happen, no matter how much you wish you can.

I've said this before too, but I think a LOT of his issues existed for a long time before the A. Now the A is just a convenient smoke screen for him to hide behind while refusing to work on them. And A or not, you do not have to put up with that.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8788028
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 7:30 PM on Saturday, April 22nd, 2023

Ellie FTW!

WW/BW

posts: 3628   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8788103
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 MIgander (original poster member #71285) posted at 2:16 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023

But you. cannot. do. his. work. for. him.

AMEN.

I've said this before too, but I think a LOT of his issues existed for a long time before the A. Now the A is just a convenient smoke screen for him to hide behind while refusing to work on them. And A or not, you do not have to put up with that.

For some reason, this is actually very clear to me today. I think it was rehashing my history for another poster in General that has made me see this. H's spending problem has been because, "I'm so unhappy everywhere else in my life." H's unilateral vasectomy, "well, you're so crazy we obviously can't have more kids." H's anger and hurting me in his pain, "well, you had an A and it's your fault." H's lack of emotional intimacy with me, "well, you're so angry all the time, how could I possibly be open to you."

Avoidance, blame-shifting, gaslighting. Entitlement, cowardice and laziness.

In all those cases, he had other choices- we didn't have to get in a risky financial situation, we could have done IC/MC and worked through our M issues instead of getting a vasectomy, H didn't have to make himself so unhappy by doing so much for others that he martyred himself (really, I think that's what was most comfortable for him- being a martyr with it's associated halo and tragic sacrifice). He didn't have to tell Deliah about his spiritual and emotional and even physical desires around vasectomy reversal.

Progress is being made. Recently this weekend, H came to me and actually empathized for the first time with my situation on having more kids, "It's unfair that you can't have more kids while I can have kids until I die." He still wants more kids, but our M isn't really ready for that, hah. I told him he's got about 2 years to shit or get off the pot because I'll be done by 45 (getting hot flashes, and showing other signs of my system winding down). Told him, "God gave us an ample window to have children and we squandered that. I'm not doing a ridiculous amount of medical procedures to force a baby when we've already wasted the opportunity given." H agreed without protest to that- took responsibility for wasting the time.

More heartbreakingly: H actually asked me if he had come to me all those years ago before my A with a desire to have more kids, if I would have had an A. I told him no, I would have demanded IC/MC before another kid, but I would have been so happy to do the work and expand our family. I cried and he held me and I think we actually connected on this for the first time.

So, there's hope. H's slowly retracting his own head from behind and facing the consequences his decisions have had on our life.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1178   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8788286
Topic is Sleeping.
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