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Newest Member: PMSandvig

New Beginnings :
New town, better but dwelling a bit

Topic is Sleeping.
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 1:26 AM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

I’ve moved to the state I grew up in and live with my sixteen year old son and close to my twenty one year old. It’s great to see them. I feel good about the move and not being near my still STBXW (It’s taking a long time to finalize). I visited the area I grew up in and visited the two houses I lived in with my ex and sons. It is around an hour and a half from where I live now. I hadn’t visited the houses in around 13 years. It still makes me sad for what could’ve been and I still regret certain times when I know I was wrong in our relationship. It’s so hard not to look back. I’m going to be fifty next year and I wish we didn’t argue and sometimes yell in the past. I regret being that way. Usually we’d argue when drinking. I don’t know if I’ll ever really feel totally good about this. She’s done some things like lying and being unfaithful that hurt a lot but I feel I should’ve been nicer and more patient too. I want to close the door and meet new people but don’t want to risk being betrayed and just feel bad, especially at the holidays when I feel like we had lots of fun as a family. I guess I just can’t look backward. Not seeing pictures of her and the OM helps but even though she admitted to seeing this guy almost a year ago, I still don’t feel good about myself or how easily replaced I was. She’s so into this guy and states it on social media, which maybe is exaggerated for Facebook but I just wanted to be in a different place than starting over at this age and being an essentially single dad mostly. I should be over it and not dwell. I’m better but not fully. My son and I were listening to a song called Lonely Red Christmas and I felt like it was about me. Maybe I’m feeling sorry for myself. Grownups shouldn’t be bummed about this but part of me still is. How lame is that? Rhetorical question I guess.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 107   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8768739
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 3:58 AM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

I’m so sorry Lonely.

I’m glad you moved. It will help.

Relationships are not perfect and know one can be perfect in them.

If your ex was with this guy instead of you the relationship with him would have also been over. Probably before yours, probably with a much worse outcome for her.

Remember that.

You were way too nice to her and you actually kind of eased her into this new relationship.

You def played the pick me dance. That’s why the advice here is harsh.

But let’s say you won her back and she was with you now. You would still be un-happy just in a different way.

In your last post you said you were still talking to her.

Stop it. Business only. Your text should be real short and to the point. Basically it should only be about finances for your kids and once they’re out of school you should almost never see or speak to her again.

Why would you want to. When you reach indifference you won’t want to.

You don’t know each other any more and you will never be friends.

Your kids are old enough to work out their own visitation with her.

Never let her come to your new place. Don’t let her taint it with her presence.

Also you need to move on and get to a place of indifference with her but you do not have to forgive her. That’s some bulls&$t.

What she did was evil and should never be forgiven.

It’s also ok to sit with your sons and make it clear to her that she will never bring him to any family functions period.

The man who destroyed your family can never be welcomed as family. It’s perfectly ok for her to face a permanent consequence for her actions.

As for her new relationships.

There is no magic. Yours was a routine, safe comfortable relationship. Instead of working on it like she should she reverted to a 16 year old, Got attracted to a sack of s&$t and is living like a child again.

There is nothing unique about her situation.

A relationship expert named Ester Perel says women are attracted to the "forbidden"

Cheating on you increased the excitement and made this relationship more powerful than it would have been if she was single and just met him on tinder. And because you were still fighting with her and talking with her and trying to get her to come back she did not really face real consequences and you made the transition easier. That is where you messed up. She bought him a PlayStation 5 if I remember correctly. When she should have been bored she was calling and fighting with you. Like I said you made her transition easier.

She is probably not as happy as she seems and consequences will probably really start hitting her now. I believe you said before she was drinking and partying more and spending more money. She will be sorry.

The problem is you may never see it in full. Don’t listen to social media. I could tell you some stories. Social media lies constantly.

She gave up a lot for this relationship and if you’re 50 then she is older. She is going to try everything to make this work. She has too.

She doesn’t want it to end and sit their like a dumbass for throwing her family away. So she is going to put in a lot of effort to make this work.

It could take years but She will be sorry.

And you ain’t waiting around.

Don’t dwell on old memories. It’s time to make new ones.

There is a saying. The best revenge is a life well lived.

Make sure you are getting into shape. It’s so important. Exercise and getting your finances in order are your 2 top priorities. Also update your wardrobe.

Start looking for some fun hobbies to do.

Maybe a side hustle for a little cash to have fun with.

Work on something a little everyday. With time it will get better.

Go into dating with the expectation to have fun. If you’re having fun a woman will want to join you.

Leave the past behind my friend. It’s dead and gone.

One day at a time.

posts: 169   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8768751
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 4:21 AM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

Thanks confused 282. Wow! I forget sometimes I talked about the PS5 and her drinking. Yes I’ve said all of this before I know. I have friends going through this same thing and they’re comfortable with themselves and don’t second guess. It’s a bad habit. I dwell and over analyze many things and have always. I do appreciate it. I am not up every night super sad anymore but I’d be lying to say it doesn’t bother me. I have been focusing on things with my sons and there’s great outdoor things here. I’m lucky and I know I have a lot to appreciate here. My clothes could use updating, true and running again would be great. I used to daily but have let that slip. I appreciate the advice for sure.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 107   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8768752
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 5:42 AM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

Running and out door activities are good do them but not just that.

You need to lift weights. You don’t need to be a body builder but you need to consistently lift with resistance to build a firmer toner body.

You need to lift weights. So many benefits from strength to increase of testosterone.

If you can join a gym. Try planet fitness. It will give you somewhere to go and there will be people to interact with.

Planet fitness is cheap. You could just pay 200 for 18 months with full access to any of their facilities. Or 12 bucks a month with a one time maintenance fee of like 40 bucks.

You need to find places and activities to do that involve other people. Just being around other people will make you mentally healthier.

Planet fitness also has tanning beds. That will help you look and feel better.

I would also highly recommend some books. Many people recommend the book "no more mr nice guy" from dr Robert glover. It is def worth a read.

I would highly recommend his second book "dating essentials for men"

Besides talking about dating there is a lot of good psychology and self improvement advice.

He was an older guy coming out of a marriage who had to start dating again.

Make sure you read it so you can retain it but I would also get the audio so you can listen while working or exercising.

You need to read books several times like watching a movie until you can recite them to truly absorb the knowledge.

Last thing is I was serious about never letting the ex in your new home. Get the 16 year old a car or call him an Uber if she wants to see him.

You don’t want a memory of her siting on your new couch or touching your lamp.

Don’t do it.

No need to be a total asshole but it’s cool to be honest.

We are not friends.

I need to move on with my life and I can’t have you in it. In any way.

Read those books to get you started
And join a gym.

Best of luck

posts: 169   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8768759
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 11:19 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

Thank you. These all are great suggestions. I’ll look for the book and join a gym. My physical fitness needs to come back. I also like the boundaries. She made so many decisions for years and I don’t want to run into the guy ever. Thanks again!

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 2:56 AM, Saturday, December 10th]

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 107   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8768998
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FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 7:40 PM on Friday, December 23rd, 2022

Hi LH,

I hope you and your sons have a great Christmas/holiday.
Have you considered talking with them about how you can introduce new rituals into your new family dynamic that will draw you all together at this time with a new sense of celebration rather than just being a memory of a painful past?

I hope that the new year brings moments of joy and the new lifestyle you've described in your previous posts.
Kind Regards,
FAWH

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8770699
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 3:43 PM on Friday, December 30th, 2022

Thank you FAWH! Christmas was really fun. I hadn’t spent one with my parents and brothers and their families in a few years and saw them. I do want to start new traditions with my sons. We are very used to things as they were. I hope your holidays are going well too. Enjoy the new year!

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 107   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8771454
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FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 10:26 PM on Friday, December 30th, 2022

Thanks LH,

Yep, my Christmas/holiday season is going well.
A few minor triggers, but after two years I am learning to live with them and handling life better.
So I gain delight in hearing good stories about new beginnings.

Have a better 2023,
FAWH.

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8771540
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FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 9:28 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

Hi LH,

How has the New Year been going for you?
I hope that 2023 has brought some good things into your life, and that you have been better at discarding some negative things from your life.

We still want to support and encourage you and your boys.
Do you have any reflections for us?
FAWH.

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8779508
Topic is Sleeping.
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