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Newest Member: trustingyou

Reconciliation :
When do you know its its worthwhile to reconcile?

Topic is Sleeping.

Revenger ( new member #80445) posted at 5:17 PM on Thursday, July 28th, 2022

Two years out and I still don't know for sure when the rug will be pulled out from under me again. It's hard living this way where I'm enjoying myself and all of a sudden, I remember what he was doing the whole time I knew him. Full double life from the start. It's hard to ever fully regain trust after that.

But it's also been amazing. He admitted fault immediately, never blamed me, started IC, group therapy, couples therapy; full transparency, never WANTS to go anywhere without me. He is grateful for every day we have together and shows it. We've started hobbies together that have made us really bond, gotten new friends, joined new clubs, celebrated the good times, stared lovingly at each other in public while everyone else is socializing because we know how hard we've fought to be here. He never fights with me over little things or grows impatient with me. He takes my side against his family now, which was a huge issue between us for a long time. He is the perfect father to our children.

I've read over and over that while infidelity is obviously never recommended, if survived, it could make your relationship so much stronger. We know each other now better than we could have ever imagined; every little thing, every private fear or deep dark secret or traumatizing event that we each never thought we would utter to another person, we know about each other. We are very connected.

R is hard, but so is D. Especially when it comes to raising a child. If you can forge a good, non-toxic relationship, a child growing up in a two-parent household is far better for them than growing up with the instability that D brings.

For me, at this point, I am cautiously optimistic.

[This message edited by Revenger at 5:22 PM, Thursday, July 28th]

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8747519

BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 6:55 PM on Thursday, July 28th, 2022

Hi @Limoncello firstly I'm so sorry you've had to go through the pain of betrayal and my heart goes out to you.
In my own situation, I did also consider D but that did not happen. For me the choice to R was really a decision that came about after a process of healing which involved IC for both of us and also MC. I'm grateful for the wise counseling of a trusted mentor of ours that came alongside my H and I for many months helping us to address issues in our individual lives and in our marriage that we had rug swept.
I think it's great that your H has been to counseling but how long for? Also what about you? I only ask because you also need IC to help you heal emotionally. Might good to consider couples counselling, which I think will also be beneficial for both of you, to help process what happened and why it did. If you rug sweep this part and move straight to R, I don't think this will be a good idea from my own experience

What really helped me to consider R was seeing my H working on himself in order to be the best version of himself and doing all he could to rebuild the broken trust. There were so many issues we had rug swept in our marriage that we now had to deal with and issues he had made excuses for that he had to address which was important for us to do before we could even begin to think of R.

I'm always rooting for marriages to be healed and restored but also very much aware that emotional healing has to take place for the BS and there has to be true sincere remorse from the WS, all of which takes time. So please don't feel you have to rush to make any major decision and trust that when the time is right you will know. I pray the near future brings wisdom for you for the days ahead.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8747531
Topic is Sleeping.
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