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Wayward Side :
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 Fugari03 (original poster new member #74599) posted at 6:01 PM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

BS and I got into a fight today. This arguement made me want to post here to seek advice on how I'm handling things.

We were sitting on the couch watching TV. She started rubbing my back and we were enjoying each other's company. We were relaxed. Then...out of nowhere...that sigh. She stopped rubbing my back and...another sigh. You all know the 'sigh' in referring to. I asked her if she needed to talk. She said, "There's no point." I still asked her to talk to me, because obviously it isn't pointless. If she needs to talk I am always here to talk to. Am I perfect? Definitely and clearly not, but I have done a much better job at listening to her and recognizing when she may need to talk.

We then got into an argument because she still thinks I'm lying to her about what happened in my A. (A little background that is important to share: I trickle truthed her for almost 2 years.) I don't expect her to believe anything I say given my track record. I have been in therapy and truly working on myself. I've addressed the lying issue and everything that came along with it. We are in MC. Only been going for a little over a month now. The MC says she will help us through this, but wants to work with us through something else first (this one is very personal). I'm not asking how I can make her believe me. I know that won't happen with any words. My actions are proving it and will continue to prove that my words are true.

I want to hear from others who have been in my position. I've told the truth, I answer her questions honestly. Like I said, I don't expect her to believe me until I prove that I'm being honest and that I've really changed. She sometimes says she can see the change, then something else happens as a trigger and it's back to square one. I want to know how you all handle moments like these. She said she needed to go upstairs, so I am giving her her space. I don't know what else to do.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2020
id 8566482
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 10:49 PM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

There's never a perfect answer, but I think that validation and apology are good go-tos.

Like you, your wife was feeling relaxed and connected to you until the intrusive memory of your affair intervened. That's every bit as frustrating and disappointing for her as it is for you, but that's where your agendas diverge. You want to try to fix it, to prove that you're finally here to do the work. She needs you to acknowledge that you can't fix it, that you so thoroughly blew your chances at honesty that now the words you're offering are meaningless. You built this hell and put her in it, and now your job is to live there with her until she's ready to decide her path out.

This can be hard for a solutions-based person to hear, but it's too early to be working towards solutions. You're a few steps back from that, at fundamental acknowledgment. Contrary to what you said, her talking to you obviously is pointless. What good are the reassurances and promises of a liar? Even when you're not lying, how could she possibly tell?

IMO, the right thing to do was to say that you could see how the memory of what you did was hitting her, and that you would never be able to express how sorry you are for destroying her trust, both with your decision to cheat and your decision to lie. Then shut up and wait. Don't try to persuade her of how different you are now and how ready you are to change. The way you show that change is happening is by resisting the impulse to do the same things you did before (or make the same promises you've always made).

Just tell her you're sorry, and listen. Listening means giving up on any expectation of progress towards your goals. Simply sit in the reality. If she says your apology is meaningless, tell her you understand that you fucked things up to the level where she can't believe you. If she calls the entire discussion pointless, tell her you know that it will be a long time before you even have a right to hope that she'll feel differently.

Seeing her pain isn't synonymous with identifying that she needs to talk. She might just need you to recognize and accept your responsibility for creating that pain.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 7:38 PM, July 25th (Saturday)]

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

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id 8566533
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pinkpggy ( member #61240) posted at 5:42 PM on Sunday, July 26th, 2020

When was your dday and when was the last time you told trickle truth?

One 4 month EA/PA
DDay March 2017
Separated (my choice) August 2020 and working towards divorce.

posts: 1914   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2017   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8566683
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TheFallen ( new member #74704) posted at 7:23 PM on Sunday, July 26th, 2020

I'm in a very similar situation to you. And I keep making bad decisions which lead to the trust continuing to erode. Now my validation and apologies have become meaningless as well.

But BraveSirRobin is right. And I'm actually grateful I clicked on this thread and read that post. Because I've let my handling of my wife's triggers and emotions slip. I've gone back to being defensive. Stopped being an active listener. I've tossed us right back into the center of the insanity storm and my wife is looking for anything to just hang on to. But I'm the one that has to pull her out.

I definitely see that I should be dropping my expectations of progress towards my goals. Self-seeking and self-serving behavior really has no place here. But I'm just talking about myself at this point.

Listen to BraveSirRobin and give that a try. I think it's one of the most accurate descriptions of what to do that I've heard in a while.

Pornography and Lust Addict.
Arrested for voyuerism.
3+ years out. Not yet reconciliation material.
Date of Sobriety: July 19th, 2020.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2020
id 8566716
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 Fugari03 (original poster new member #74599) posted at 2:13 PM on Tuesday, July 28th, 2020

Thank you all for taking the time to answer my post. I really appreciate all of the advice.

BraveSirRobin:

Thank you for your understanding and words. I am still learning every day how to handle things the "right way", and to be there for my BS. I didn't think that sometimes when she is hurting, she might not need to talk, just to be acknowledged, and an apology for the pain and hurt that I have caused her. I've been listening much more than I did before, but I can always listen more. I will take your advice and change these things. I will also be more aware of my reactions. Thank you so much.

pinkpggy:

So, I consider the last DDay and the last trickle truth to be the same day, because it sets her back to square 1. Both of us, really. It was early May of this year, so just a couple of months ago. I know it will take a lot of time for healing and to earn back her trust (if she still graces me with her presence and our relationship). I have been going to IC for a while now and I have made significant changes in my behavior and have gained more understanding, but I'm always looking for someone elses point of view.

TheFallen:

We do have a similar story. I have read some of your posts and I think I have commented on one of them as well. Thank you for taking the time to provide your input.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2020
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 7:22 AM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

I think you're on point in putting "the right way" in quotes. That phrasing bothered me when I used it, and I ran out of time to go back and edit before posting. There isn't a "right way," because not all BSes react identically to their WS's attempts to engage. There are, however, plenty of "wrong ways," so we try to help with different perspectives every time one of us reports that we put our foot in it.

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2049   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8568469
Topic is Sleeping.
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