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The Book Club :
Ideas Thread: Getting the word out!

Topic is Sleeping.

porcupine ( member #7543) posted at 8:56 PM on Sunday, April 23rd, 2006

Hi all,

A quick update:

I am sorting through all the great ideas and offers for help I have received.

There are 2 people who have volunteered for Chief Editor. I think we could actually use more than one pair of hands for the job, so I'll put them in touch and see if the three of us can come up with a common vision.

A lot of people also volunteered to contribute in one way or another, either by telling their story or being in charge of one of the chapters.

Getting the chapters divided is going to be hard work, so I need to know what areas each of you is interested in. If you haven't already specified, please let me know :)

I am keeping a record of every PM and post in a spread sheet, so I know exactly who has volunteered for what :)

If you are comfortable with it, please PM me your email address for ease of communication...

I hope once we get the roles sorted we can pick up speed and move ahead!

More news soon,


The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.

posts: 4271   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2005   ·   location: Belgium
id 1251031

Melanie ( member #4118) posted at 1:40 AM on Monday, April 24th, 2006

I think the book is a great idea!

I have a good eye for spelling and grammar mistakes, maybe I could help proofread. Let me know.

Me BS. Him FWH (not sure how many A's).Last big Dday was 5/04. He admitted 1 PA, then recanted, I'm still waiting for the whole truth. We're still married, but it will never be like it used to be.

posts: 3019   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2004
id 1251520

dmanette ( member #1653) posted at 5:54 PM on Thursday, April 27th, 2006

Hello all,

I just came across this topic. I would like to offer assistance in the "finding a publisher/getting the word out" portion of the project.

I have already published a book on this topic and consequently have several contacts in the publishing industry. Additionally, as far as publicity goes, I was on Oprah last year, so once this thing is finished you can be doggone sure I will pitch it to her producers (can't get better publicity than that!!!).

Sooooo, please keep me posted as to when I can pick up this ball and run with it, okay? :)


That which does not kill us makes us stronger!

posts: 208   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2003   ·   location: California
id 1261281

porcupine ( member #7543) posted at 7:20 PM on Thursday, April 27th, 2006

Sounds great

Can you PM me an email address so I can keep you informed more easily?

The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.

posts: 4271   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2005   ·   location: Belgium
id 1261581

mannina ( member #5913) posted at 10:59 AM on Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

I just saw this. Would love to help. Not sure how... but I can certainly help with this.

Thank God for all the people who walked out of my life!!

posts: 5805   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2004   ·   location: RI
id 1290982

RooterBooter ( new member #10568) posted at 4:03 PM on Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

I would love to help. I would really like to put together a section perhaps impact of affairs when BS are pregnant, because I think that holds a whole new dimension.

I can also help with editing as I have a news writing background.

BS: Me (27) WH: 28
Married: under 2 years
Together since 14 years old
DD: January 17, 2006
Moved out and he is carrying on A with OW, and says he loves her.

Shit happens and sucks!

posts: 49   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2006   ·   location: Canada
id 1291504

dreamlife ( member #8142) posted at 10:41 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2006

Count me in!

I started the bipolar spouses thread over at Inspirations...lots of "hypersexuality" in all those "mentally ill" spouses not on meds/IC...let's not forget:

"Impulsivity is the hallmark of MANIA!"

So...what can I do, Porc?

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

"He called me a bitch.
I called him an ambulance."
Linda H.)

posts: 26209   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2005
id 1312070

porcupine ( member #7543) posted at 2:17 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2006

you can kick me in the butt so I finally have a look at the project I received from our volunteer chief editor.

It's beeing in my mailbox for 3 weeks, now buried under a pile of other shit I have to take care of

I'm sorry, I don't want to let you all down. I will take care of it this weekend.

The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.

posts: 4271   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2005   ·   location: Belgium
id 1312290

MoeGreen63 ( member #6832) posted at 3:31 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2006

Way to go Porcupine!

We can add a chapter on post-marital slacking.

posts: 14116   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2005
id 1312481

porcupine ( member #7543) posted at 4:25 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2006

The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.

posts: 4271   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2005   ·   location: Belgium
id 1312645

drowninginsorrow ( member #4545) posted at 4:27 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2006

(((porc))) this is a wonderful but big undertaking... you can't do everything at once

it's amazing that you are willing to do all this

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

posts: 56714   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2004   ·   location: canuckistan
id 1312655

Minigirl ( member #6586) posted at 6:51 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2006

Take your time porcupine- we are all busy people- STUFF HAPPENS

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That's why they call it the present."

"The deepest circle in hell is set aside for betrayers and mutineers." Captain Jack Sparrow

posts: 3941   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2005
id 1313074

MoeGreen63 ( member #6832) posted at 8:21 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2006

I was kidding.

posts: 14116   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2005
id 1313366

porcupine ( member #7543) posted at 9:25 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2006

Thanks minigirl - I'm really sorry...

I know, Moe, don't worry.

The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.

posts: 4271   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2005   ·   location: Belgium
id 1313569

MoeGreen63 ( member #6832) posted at 10:00 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2006

Whew! I have been eating a lot of shoe today.

posts: 14116   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2005
id 1313693

porcupine ( member #7543) posted at 2:11 PM on Saturday, May 20th, 2006

WOW! Guys, our chief editor is amazing

Well, I've read through her proposal and have sent it off to DS for approval, but it looks great!

I am so, so sorry it took me all this time to get round to it, I really could have managed to do it sooner, I can't explain why I didn't, I guess I wasn't in the right place for it, but that's no excuse.

Okay, well, we have a chief editor, we have about 30 volunteers (or more, I've lost track) and we have an amazing idea and structure for the book.

As soon as DS approves, we will be contacting everyone who has volunteered so that they can decide which chapters they want to work on.

I would love to hear from some WS who would like to participate, as their input and insight will be invaluable, so keep PM'ing me if you are interested (if you've already said you were interested, I've kept note of it, don't worry).

Group hug!

The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.

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JadedMusicWidow ( member #975) posted at 9:44 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2006

Chapter on marriage inside of the music/touring/entertainment industry?

I have much input as a BS of someone(he has also been dgnsd w/ NPD) in the music industry who tours heavily and I know there are a few other members here who have similar situations as well. In fact-most of what Ive dealt with would make the average persons knees shake! I figured out that NONE of the things he has pulled are "typical" or the norm for your average cheater when I was talking to my therapist for the first time and giving her the rundown of everything and she gasped several times througout the conversation.

I would be more than happy to get my experiences out there if it has even a chance of helping 1 person avoid (or get through in 1 piece) the nightmare that I have experienced-not that the cheating and "goings-on" of someone in this field is unknown or really shocking to the general public but for those that arent privy to the unpleasant detail via first hand experience-they will know what to avoid!

I used to have a handle on life ...but it broke off.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2003
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JadedMusicWidow ( member #975) posted at 10:02 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2006

Porcupine- I PM'd you but I wanted to repost part of my PM to you because you are you!

GREAT IDEA-GREAT JOB!!You are doing wonderful! I think it really helps tie all of us together even more as a "family" and interact more while in our own healing process as well as helping others who are at the first stage of complete loss with no clue where to go from the initial impact of it all. You are a beautiful person for your compassion and efforts to pull all of this together! Thank You!


I used to have a handle on life ...but it broke off.

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id 1328452

porcupine ( member #7543) posted at 10:08 PM on Saturday, May 27th, 2006

Here it is: a proposed structure and briefing for our volunteer editors!

First, let me introduce Minigirl as our chief editor. She has already done some awesome work and will be coordinating the style of the different chapters.

Can I ask you to read through the briefing and structure and PM either Minigirl or myself (or email if you have our address) with your top 3 choice of sections you wish to be editor of by Friday June 2nd?

Please include your RL first name and email address to help us organise communication. We will not give out your email address to anyone else and all emails will be sent with everyone in blind copy.

We will allocate sections/chapters by June 6th and then you can all get to work!

I will be coordinating with MH and DS on the best way to gather information, so the board doesn't get taken over by this project Please follow any instructions we give you. Given the enormity of this project we are going to need to be quite organised.

Anyway, enough said, we hope you enjoy reading Minigirl's proposal and hope to hear from you soon!

porcupine & Minigirl


Structure and Briefing Notes

First a big “Thank you” to all of you who have agreed to donate your time to helping make this book project come to life. This is a large undertaking, but because of the wonderful volunteers, I believe that we can make the definitive, insider’s look at infidelity as well as providing information on SI and showing readers what a wonderful network of support and wisdom it is.

At this time porcupine and I would like to give you the outline as we have developed it for the book. Please review it carefully. There are a few sections that need to be added to, and we are open to any ideas that you may have. We have a lot of information to amass and put into an organized structure. With this in mind, I would like each of you to determine which section you would like to be the editor for. Please submit your top three choices. We will then assign you to one of those three areas, all efforts will be made to assign your number one choice, however please understand that we need expert help in all areas of the book. Also know that your input, contributions and ideas can be used in any other area of the book that you are willing to work on.

It looks as though there will be at least 2-3 editors for each section of the book. Which is a good thing- some of the sections are lengthy and we can spread out the work. So, you will be assigned as an editor of a section and assigned specific chapters within that section to edit. It will be your responsibility to gather the information, to assign the contributors/writers their tasks, to keep things running on schedule, and to organize the material into the structure for the book. I will review all of the chapters/sections to make sure they flow and keep the book structurally uniform.

So, now you are wondering, WHAT IS THE STRUCTURE? We have determined that in order to give a good reflection of what infidelity is from those who experience it, and in order to keep the spirit of SI alive and promote SI, that each chapter should read like a thread on one of the forums. Real stories with real advice and real wisdom, from those who have/are experiencing infidelity. The only chapter that I feel should look differently, will be Chapter One of Section One- JFO, the types of affairs. I think this chapter should be a series of vignettes. It would be great to have several stories for each type of affair. In this chapter, we will want to make sure we touch on each of the types of affairs as outlined, and as editor, you may choose several stories and piece them together as one, powerful story. At the end of the stories, it is our opportunity to respond with “Welcome to SI- a community of people here to offer you support, caring, wisdom, a place to release your feelings, etc…… (give an intro to who SI is and what it is about).”

The rest of the book should read as posts on the forums- with one general post (a good story, with detail, and with relevant topic information) dealing with the outlined areas, and several responses, providing answers, opinions, insights, and information. Keep in mind the way responses are on SI- let’s make it as real as possible. Let’s get across the feeling of what it is like to be at SI- some people will commiserate with you, some people will give their wisdom, some will make you smile. Again, you may piece together several contributed stories/writings in order to get one very powerful piece to begin the topic/thread/post. In order to get real responses, we may need to post that beginning piece and ask for responses from the SI members- with the disclaimer that the material that is provided may be included in our book project.

This is the proposal for key dates:

Volunteering for chapter editing: June 2, 2006

Allocation of chapters/sections: June 5, 2006

Writing/interviewing/compiling information completed by July 31, 2006

First draft of your assigned Chapters/Sections to chief editor by: August 7, 2006

Review and comments back to you by: August 25, 2006

Revisions/re-writes back to chief editor by: September 18, 2006

Review and comments back to you (if any) by: September 25, 2006

Final version of book (after as many revisions as needed): October 30, 2006

Some suggestions for making your assignments to contributors/writers:

• Be specific- make sure the writers understand clearly what you are looking for. Make sure they understand the outlined topic and what to include.

• Get as many versions from different contributors as possible- this will help you make one very strong, compelling initial post/story. It is easier to pare away material than to not have enough.

• Give them a deadline- I always set my own deadlines early (if the deadline is Friday, my deadline is Wednesday).

• Give each of your contributors a disclaimer. Let them know that during the editing process, you may be making changes or adding to their writings. Let them know that not all writings will be used; sometimes portions of it will be woven into other’s writings. Sometimes it may be passed on to the next section or to a different area of the book. Explain to them that ALL submissions are valuable and that even though we may not use your story in its entirety- we will be interested and will use it somewhere. The important thing to remember is that we want to make a lasting and strong impact. We want the stories to be real, and we want them to be inclusive.

If you have any questions at any time or if you need any assistance or guidance- please contact me by PM or email - I will make my phone number available upon request.

Again- I would like to give each of you a big, heartfelt thank you.


Outline S.I. Book

Introduction and Acknowledgements

1. Introduce the book- how it came into being, the purpose and idea behind the book, etc… ( I think we should have disclaimers here also as to the emotional content of the personal stories- sort of like the disclaimers for the forums).

2. Acknowledge the hard-working staff- coordinator, editors, writers, etc… Oh, and DS and MH too.

I. Section One: Just Found Out

1. Chapter One- Types of Affairs

a. Physical

b. Emotional

c. One Night Stand

d. Long Term Affair

e. Exit Affair

f. Affair with Co-worker

g. Affairs in particular environments

- Military

- Music/entertainment

h. Affairs in gay couples

i. Same sex AP

2. Chapter Two- Online Affairs

a. Internet EA

b. Using the Internet to meet people/PA

c. Cybersex- is it cheating?

d. Online pornography

3. Chapter Three- Discovery

a. The Confession

b. Suspicion/Confrontation

c. Blindsided: Advised by third party, walking in on WS/AP, etc…

d. Coping with friends/family who knew about the affair

4. Chapter Four- Initial Reaction to an Affair

a. Physical Reactions

- The Infidelity Diet

- STD testing/waiting for results/ coping with results

b. Emotional Reactions

- Anger/Sadness/Depression

- Fence Sitting

- Cake-person

- Limbo

5. Chapter Five- Decisions

a. Deciding to Reconcile

b. Deciding to Separate

c. Indecision

d. When the WS leaves (the decision is made for you)

6. Chapter Six- Frequently Asked Questions

a. Why did you do this to me?

b. How could this happen to us?

c. Should I contact the AP?

- I want to see what the AP looks like, should I seek them out?

d. Should I contact the AP’s spouse?

e. Who do I tell about the affair?

f. What do I do now?

g. What does “I love you but am not in love with you” mean?

7. Chapter Seven- Coping Skills

a. Recovering from dday

- Taking care of you

- Re-gaining self-esteem

- Depression/Anxiety (stages of grief)

II. Section Two General

1. Chapter One- Dealing with a fence-sitter/cake-person

a. The 180 rules

b. No contact with the WS

2. Chapter Two- The serial cheater/sexual addict

a. How many affairs- dealing with the numbers

b. Why am I not enough?

c. What do I do now that I know my WS is a serial cheater? Sexual addict?

3. Chapter Three- When the spouses are both WS and BS

a. Dealing with each other’s emotions

b. Revenge affairs

4. Chapter Four- Children and Affairs

a. What do I tell my kids?

b. Helping the children cope with the fall-out

c. The impact of affairs on children

5. Chapter Five- The Affair Partner

a. Why do I hate the AP so much?

b. Why don’t I hate the AP?

c. Confrontation with the AP

- Do I believe what the AP told me?

d. Revenge

- Fantasies

- Actual revenge

e. Getting rid of the mental images

f. Moving to indifference

6. Chapter Six- An Affair During Pregnancy

a. Coping with the emotions

b. Coping with the physical effects

c. Taking care of you and your baby

7. Chapter Seven- An Affair During Illness

a. Coping with the emotions

b. Coping with the physical effects

c. Taking care of you- healing during trauma

8. Chapter Eight- The Other Child

a. How to cope

b. Is it strategy to “trap” the WS into the affair, or is it real?

c. The legal consequences

- DNA/Paternity testing

- Child support, visitation, and custody

9. Chapter Nine- Reactions as Time Passes

a. Triggers

- What are they?

- How do I deal with them?

- Triggers and anniversaries/occasions


c. Plain of Lethal Flatness

d. It has been several months, why am I still so angry?

e. How do I control my emotions, how do I move forward?

J. Chapter Ten- Polls

a. What do you do with the rings?

b. If you knew, would you have still married your WS?

****Many more polls out there to choose from

K. Chapter Eleven- Venting

a. The best of SI vents and responses

III. Section Three- Reconciliation

1. Chapter One- Tips and techniques for reconciling your relationship

2. Chapter Two- Should I seek out counseling?

a. Independent

b. Marriage

c. Retrouvaille/retreats

3. Chapter Three- The No Contact Letter

a. Why is it written?

b. What should it say?

c. Do we have to write a No Contact Letter- is there any other way?

d. No Contact when the WS/AP work together

4. Chapter Four- Creating a timeline

5. Chapter Five- What questions do I ask my WS about the affair now that we are reconciling?

6. Chapter Six- False Reconciliation

a. Multiple ddays

b. What do I do now?

7. Chapter Seven- Taking Care of You During Reconciliation

a. The bumpy road to reconciliation

b. Coping strategies

c. How do I stop attacking my WS?

d. Getting through the emotions as a couple

e. Should we renew our vows?

8. Chapter Eight- Dealing with mental illness

a. Bipolar

b. NPD

c. Passive-aggressive behavior

IV. Section Four: The Wayward Side

1. Chapter One- How do I help my BS?

a. Tips on helping your BS heal

b. Dealing with the BS’s emotions

c. Forgiveness and re-building trust

2. Chapter Two- Feelings for my BS

a. Rediscovering your feelings

b. Tips to rebuild your relationship/rekindle the spark

c. Why can’t I feel that passion with my BS that I did with AP?

3. Chapter Three- No Contact

a. Going NC and maintaining NC

b. Do I write a letter?

c. Coping with the urge to break NC

d. I’ve broken N3. Now what do I do?

4. Chapter Four- The Affair Partner

a. Who is the AP?

b. The end of an affair- from the AP perspective

c. Coping with the truth about the affair

d. Re-gaining your self-esteem

5. Chapter Five- Feelings for the AP

a. Coping with the loss

b. Is this an addiction/obsession?

c. Just Friends- why you can’t maintain a friendship with an AP

d. Discovering who the AP really is

6. Chapter Six- The Fog

a. What is it?

b. How do I get through it?

c. How the BS copes with the fog

7. Chapter Seven- Getting to Why

a. Understanding why

b. Shame and Guilt

c. Forgiving yourself

d. Re-building your self-esteem

V. Section Five: Investigation

1. Chapter One- Becoming a Detective

a. Keeping a good poker face- while acquiring evidence

b. What do I do to find out information?

c. How can I tell if he/she is lying?

2. Chapter Two- Resources

VI. Section Six: Divorce

1. Chapter One-Lawyers

2. Chapter Two-Filing/ getting served- coping with the emotions

****More here from those who have been there

VII. Section Seven: The Book Club

1. Chapter One- Books to help you heal

a. Member reviews of books

VIII. Section Eight: Inspirations and Fun and Games

1. Chapter One- Healing through humor

a. Funny Stories

b. Personality tests, jokes, etc…

c. Fun, fun and more fun- in all forms

2. Chapter Two- Inspirations

a. Inspirational Stories/articles

b. Words of Wisdom from SI

c. Quotable Quotes

IX. Conclusions- After word


Edited May 28th to add chapters on

- When both partners are WS and BS

- dealing with bipolar/NPD/passive-aggressive behavior

- Affairs in different environments (military, entertainment...)

- distinction between LTA and Exit Affair

[This message edited by porcupine at 6:18 AM, May 28th (Sunday)]

The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.

posts: 4271   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2005   ·   location: Belgium
id 1329783

Sad & Alone ( member #10183) posted at 1:09 AM on Sunday, May 28th, 2006

Wow... just WOW! Simply outstanding work there, to both porcupine and Minigirl!

Good job!

We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer, writer

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. - Robert Quillen, journalist

posts: 1433   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2006   ·   location: Southern California
id 1329961
Topic is Sleeping.
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