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@HikingOut thank you for your reply.
I do wonder - do you (and anyone else reading who had an affair) think you would have made the same choices if affairs were generally recognised as being a form of abuse?

** Member to Member **

For the record, some of us think As are inherently 'abuse'. Others think some As are abuse, and some As aren't. Others think As are not abuse.

IMO, we don't know yet which is correct, but I suspect we're each right for ourselves. I have no argument with a BS who says 'I think and A is 'abuse.' I haven't seen an analogy that works to describe being a BS; those I have seen are at best partially suggestive.

IMO, all BSes are victims and collateral damage. IMO, Healing includes accepting that and moving on - to realizing/accessing/using our power. We are victims, but we do not have to take on the role of Victim in a Drama Triangle.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:27 PM, Thursday, August 20th]

31RS

I have long believed that, whether overtly expressed or covertly harbored, many if not most marital betrayals are a way to strike out/back at the faithful spouse. The slight/resentment can be real, imagined and many times tremendously maximized/overblown in their head in order to somehow justify their treason. This too is another reason to tread very very carefully through any attemp at reconciliation as they have proven not only their ability to abuse via betrayal, but to justify their actions during that time via their harbored "resentments".

The capacity to do this within themselves is another layer that would need to be peeled back and excised from their character before any real attempt at R could be made.

As Ive said before, human nature and behavior is incredibly hard to change, the great success stories to the contrary in this site notwithstanding.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:55 PM, Thursday, August 20th]