SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Walloped,

I hope I can help, and not cause you more pain. You have enough of that already. And you also have enough mind movies, and doubt, and anger. I know. BTDT. Still do. But that is another story.

About the mind movies. There is no medication that would help with plain nightmares. However, there IS a medication that has been proven to help with the recurrent nightmares and maybe flashbacks from abuse of PTSD. Even though by DSM the experience of being a BS is not technically "like" PTSD, especially if you have not actually seen the two persons in action, PTSD is the closest I can aliken it to. See if the Psychiatrist you are seeing would be willing to give you a small trial of Prazosin. It is a blood pressure medication that has been approved by the FDA for that purpose, after extensive studies done at the VA on veterans. Also, an antidepressant (think Prozac) may also be helpful, especially if you are feeling down and depressed. They do come with side effects, one of them being sometimes decreased libido, and/or sometimes delayed ejaculation (hope it is not TMI) but they can also help improve your mood and help you get back to better functioning and clearer head.

Have a good time in Arizona! I hope you manage to detach a little more, and to distance yourself enough from all of this (although I think you have had one of the clearest heads I've seen in such a situation, and given the type of information that you had).

P.S. After reading about your last interaction with your wife again, it now strikes me that she is applying the advice given here, that "in order to save your marriage, you have to be ready to lose it". She decided to come clean about the phone call that broke NC, and she seemed to have accepted that the marriage is over, but she at least wants to do the right thing. It did not seem to me like she was trying to keep you bamboozled, but rather that she truly wants to make amends, even though she may think it is too late for that.

All the best!

[This message edited by longtime sucker at 2:54 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

I have not posted much on your thread. You have gotten SO much advise. You are handling things pretty well.

I am usually do not say R or D I am for getting out of infidelity and doing what makes you happy. I am for what will make you life fuller and hope your decision is the one that you can live with.

Your situation is very much like mine. We were married 20 plus years when my fWW had an affair with a married co-worker. He to was a predator he wore her down and convinced her that he was what she needed. From my estimation that took 9 months until it was full blown sex in a motel. THe sexual part of the A lasted 7 months until I caught her with physical evidence she could not dispute.

She got remorse real fast. Her behavior was pretty much the same as your WW after she was caught. I could see that she realized what she had done and was very sorry for me. She did do the work to R. I decided about 2 weeks after Dday that I would give R 1 year if thing were not what I wanted then I would reevaluate.

The first several were brutal I asked questions and she answered. It was hard to hear but she was honest. After 6 months we started to communicate on a new level. We did more things together we renewed our relationship with a different kind of love.

Yes the old marriage was gone but the new one I think is better for both of us.

It did take a long time to regain trust. I will also add that I never ever trust anyone 100% any more. But fWW lets me know everything that is going on and where she is and who she is with. It has been over 11 years now Recovered.

I never got the why answer I was looking for. None of the answers made sense to me. My therapist finally helped me through that.

So what am I trying to say. After following your thread from day 1 I honestly think you have a shot at successful R. I belive your wife understands how stupid she was and I see signs of remorse. I was in your shoes 11 years ago and I gave it a shot. I am glad I did. But there is one big difference. She knows with out a shadow of a doubt she would never do that to me again.

Me I hope not... but I don't trust anyone.

Walloped,

I know this has been said before, I just want to remind you that the only person who has to like or agree with your decisions and actions is YOU.

I hope your time away is relaxing, gives you time to reflect, and brings you some peace...on any level.

Stay in touch with the kids.

Nekorb

Just thinking out loud for today's thread,

Us Newbs...In our despair and trauma, we have to process three timelines:

1) the past - pre-A, A up to D Date;

2) from D date to present and,

3) the future.

Future is not something we Newbs can process right now, we have no idea of what it looks like how it will be, when it will be or with whom, we are forced into re-evaluating, because the constants that we understood were there, are not. Our assumption was incorrect, so we have to re-assess our options, we undertake investigations, gather information, observe behaviour, try and eat, sleep and work, and maintain status quo in all other areas of our life, despite our emotionally fragility, at least for now (particularly when kids are involved).

It's absolutely draining, especially when you factor in all the information you receive when trying to fill in the gaps in information and process that!

What we thought and expected, the "grande façade" based on our u/s of lives and our relationship w our W "has burned". There are too many unknown variables to be able to make any kind of prediction, and the foreseeability of the outcome depends on completely different underlying assumption because the previous assumption model we operated under, and made predictions, is not longer a valid one!! The unknown variables that arise in this next period of time will, only after they arise, become part of the D-date to present timeline. Some might also fill in gaps from pre-D Date.

Hopefully within that period of time we gain some clarity and insight, we will also have some more actual info to be able to enter into the realm of looking forward and what that will involve.

I liked was RealityBites said:

It will not be her Affair that killed our marriage, it will be her lack of resolve, remorse and consistent actions.

Only those will be revealed over time..

Walloped please do provide a trip report

And (WARNING!) if I can be so bold as to claim I speak on behalf of everyone in this thread!

We are all hoping that time away will give you all that you need to refresh, renew and re-invigorate your heart, mind and soul.

(((((Walloped)))))

Want this to stop

I agree with wantthistostop Let us know how the trip goes.

Godspeed brother

Great posts by Bigger, imo. He's very much on the money. As you said, Walloped, food for thought indeed.

There's been some mention here of D being easier than R... Part of me can see that. I imagine it's extraordinarily difficult and painful to build anew a relationship with someone who has just eviscerated and given me the deepest emotional shock and trauma I'll ever know.

But marriage is usually more than about two people--it's overwhelmingly about a family, too. While the two direct people involved "may" find that they recover faster with a clean break D (trust me, though, it's damn hard, too)--THE FAMILY IS SHATTERED.

A nuclear FAMILY is important to kids at any age, IMO. My father ran off for a string of other women when I was 18 (oldest of four kids) and us "kids" each struggled with it for DECADES. IMO, marriage is a ROCK that can give kids an anchor to withstand the vicissitudes and adversities life hands us--even after we're "adults."

I'm not advocating, W, that you R or D, or that you stay together for the family. Just sayin' that it's ALL hard.

I know you don't feel like you're doing well, but you are. I was too traumatized to act decisively. Indeed, I can see now that my XWW's infidelity and subsequent departure triggered "abandonment" issues in me that went back to my FOO (up to and including my father's departure). Ironic, isn't it, that my father's departure in part led to my own fear that if stood up for myself and maybe alienated others, they'd leave me? I know now that that very fear contributed to that very thing happening to me! More irony.

And now I can look back and see that what happened was supposed to happen. I needed to learn that lesson so I could finally heal a big part of me that needed it. It took me being abandoned in the most traumatic way possible, to get me there. Irony, in spades.

Which leads me to my final thought... No matter the final outcome here for you, you're going to be okay. I know people diminish such thoughts here sometimes, especially when the shock is omnipresent... But if you choose that no matter what happens you will make the most of it, then you have great gifts coming to you.

Pain is just pain. It's when we try to avoid it and choose false comforts, that we get into trouble, IMO. We can brace ourselves and steel our resolve to ensure we're never going to be "victimized" again, but that always leads to a hard and rigid stance--and the pain does not go away.

Someone in this thread encouraged you to let the pain "pass through" you. Another variation of that is to accept and surrender that you are in pain; that it's okay. It just is. Buddha said that we will each experience 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows in our lifetimes.

Surrendering to and accepting that emotional pain is part of life, gives us a chance to relax, breath and be grateful for all we do have. I am humbler, more loving and more compassionate person now than before. With the passage of time, too (almost three years out), a deeper joy is peeking through; a happiness grounded in my soul via the toughest of trials. Those are wonderful gifts.

You have gifts coming your way, too, no matter your choice of R or D.

Blessings, LA

Incredible thoughtful responses to members. It is quite informative. (((Walloped)))Stay strong

So, many of you think I've put my wife on a pedestal or am only seeing the good in her. Because how can she truly be good if she did this?

Actually I feel that her message to you was more generic. Yours was more heartfelt and deep. It goes into details. Hers was nice but it sounds generic and obligatory.

That’s why I think something broke in her that she needs to find out and fix.

I feel this is a damaging approach. Nothing broke in her. She chose to be selfish. She felt entitled. The person you knew changed. The person you describe does not exist now. When you are living with a person and they are losing/gaining weight, you never really notice it. That is because the change happens at the rate of few pounds every week. So you don't really notice as much. That is what probably happened to you. She changed bit by bit, year by year as she grew up as an adult. She changed gradually that you never really noticed over the years, just like you did.

You have an idealized version of her in your mind. The wife she was in your mind will never be back. You probably have this new wife act like her for you but she will never be back. She cannot be another person

I also think she is reading this thread. That was incredible timing. And this site is pretty popular and so is your thread.

And you realize what her call was, right ?

Another question I wanted to ask was..

How did she have all this time to have the affair and prance around the city with her bf. Was she skipping on her volunteering job? How did you not even suspect when this is happening ? How did she manage it so well?

[This message edited by kimichi at 9:51 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

I am going to try this one more time. I hope I word it better.

If your WW was in love with OM, she more than likely would not be in love with you. In order for the M to R would be that your wife your would have to fall out of love with OM and back in love with you>

Your wife is in love with the way the A made her feel about herself. Your WW fell in love with how she felt about herself when she was in with intimate with another man. Not with the man himself. He really did not matter.

As long as she has these good feeling relating to an A or being with another man, she will not be able to have these same feelings towards you.

If your WW was posting in the WW forum, she would be getting major 2x4's about here positive feelings about the A because they know true R will not happen as long as they exist.

Deal with how this made her feel about herself more than dealing with the OM. OM is only connected because he is in the A, He really is not a factor other than he needs to be gone.

Deal with her feeling.

I hope this came out better.

. He answered. She said she asked him if it was true – if he was married and had other affairs?

My wife said she was floored. She started calling him names. Basically asked if she was simply just another notch on his belt.

Imagine what would have happened if he gave her some romantic answer or some sob story on what happened. She really wants him to be in love with her.

All it will take him is some grand gesture and some good talk to pull her back in. She is in it pretty deep. Ad this is not over.

Right now, guilt and shame is driving your R. She loves you like a a family member. She hates to see your hurt.

You will never get the relationship to back where it was. Her affair polluted and will pollute everything in the future.

[This message edited by kimichi at 9:43 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

IMO, one of the pernicious, insidious aspects of engaging in an affair is that our waywards become a different person via the process. Trying to understand a wayward's behavior is well nigh impossible because, IMO, they have become someone we no longer know.

When a wayward chooses evil, wrong, sin (whatever you call it) and SUSTAINS it, they must justify it or their mind implodes. In order to live with themselves, they revise marital history to make their existing relationship unfulfilling and see their "other" relationship(s) as real. If they sustain and act out of these beliefs long enough, they become what they believe. They become someone else. Unfortunately, they also become exceptional deceivers and liars.

I tried like hell to understand my XWW after DDay, but she had morphed into someone else. I failed to recognize that the woman I married no longer existed. Check that, she existed... but only in my mind. I still wanted THAT person. But really, she was long gone.

It seems to me that a key question for W's situation is... Did his WW's affair go on long enough truly to change her into a different person? How long is too long? Who is she now?

That's probably why it's a mantra around here that talk is cheap. ACTIONS are everything. And just as evil actions can cause someone to become a different person, perhaps so can right actions.

[This message edited by livinganew at 11:39 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

*

The love she felt for him during the recent months is anything more than what she feels for you right now.

Maybe during some periods of your relationship she felt as intensely in love with you. Not right now. She bashed you pretty bad to the OM. And that was why he reacted as such during the NC call.

[This message edited by kimichi at 8:46 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]

Really kimichi? That's the only example of compartmentalization you could offer up for W?

[This message edited by nekorb at 5:55 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]

I agree with the poster who said that she may have found this thread. That's not necessarily a bad thing but it also illustrates that you may need to be playing game warden over her electronic access a bit more.

If you are unsure she is coming here then you are unsure she has unsupervised communication going on. Don't feel you need to supervise her? Sorry, that burden is now on you.

Would you like extra pickles on that shit sandwich?

I agree Eric

the goal is to heal. she should use all tools available.

Bravo John! Knowledge is healing power.

For what goes on in the mind of a predator/prowler & only presented here as reference to gain perspective. Warning, explicit & a gut wrenching honest expose in to that lifestyle. http://shackledkat.blogspot.com/p/advice-for-prowlers.html?zx=d923374388238d6b

he goal is to heal. she should use all tools available.

I respectfully, but vehemently, disagree.

If she is reading this thread then you don't covertly use it to textbook manipulate the situation. That is lying by omission and the core issue here, beyond all the penises and vaginas being thrown around, is the loss of trust.

Manipulation is poison at this point. She needs to be an open book.

I am not accusing her of doing this, and don't want to get off on a tangent. It's just a factor I would tuck away. Blocking her electronically is not the right move either, since if we assemble what's occurred thus far, it's overwhelmingly likely that SIL would be involved with this thread as well.

It's a question for the polygraph. There will be other instances of checking for lying by omission that will need to be tested on as well. (i.e. how she 'forgot' she had given her number out)